Alright guys, I’m about to kick off my favorite month of the year – Spookytober – with a scary little list of the monsters that scared the bejeebus out of me. I’ve listed favorite monsters a couple of times on this blog, but this is really the first time I’ve listed monsters And as a consequence the movies) I don’t watch very often because they are genuinely terrifying to me. Your mileage may vary, of course, because Horror is subjective and depends almost entirely on the mindset of the individual involved.
Now there are a helluva lot of scary movies out there and there’s a few that didn’t make this list but are terrifying just because they’re terrifying. What you will notice that’s absent from this list are the more traditional monsters like vampires and werewolves, and it’s not that I don’t find some of them scary, but there really aren’t enough vampires that are scare me, for example, to make a ten item list. This list focuses on Creature Features, but there’s whole other list to be made for Supernatural and Slasher films, and I might list those later, but here goes: The Most Terrifying Monsters in Horror.
He Who Kills From Trilogy of Terror
Now the other monsters are not in any particular order but I had to bring this guy in at number one because this was truly the very first monster that actually scared the bricks out of me (and quite frankly he works pretty good at it today). There’s a reason I’ve only watched this movie about three or four times in the last thirty years. I read the short story its based on Prey by Richard Matheson about the same number of times because the movies is extremely faithful to the story. One of the more interesting aspects of this monster is that looked at under the correct light it is deeply funny. I mean, it is just a puppet and you might laugh at it for about five minutes, but by the end of the movie he is a lot less funny, because the movie is filled with some genuinely suspenseful moments.
I first saw this movie late at night when I was supposed to be asleep, and waaay too young to be looking at it, which may be the reason I now have “doll fear”. Now, I didn’t fear my own “plastic” dolls. I got along fine with them, so this wasn’t a hard and fast rule, but this movie definitely contributed to my general fear of wooden puppets, ventriloquist dummies, mannequins, and other humanoid shaped wooden objects that are not supposed to be moving, but are kinda doing that anyway. So yeah, Chucky, Pinocchio, a few of those Japanese puppets, the creature from the 2016 movie, The Boy, and that puppet from the 1978 Anthony Hopkins movie, Magic, they can all catch some of this smoke.
The Xenomorph from Alien
I remember seeing the first trailer for this movie when I was about nine or ten years old and being very excited about it. The trailer was immediately intriguing to me because it was dark and ominous and told you absolutely nothing at all about the movie. I loved it! And then, when that Summer passed, I kinda forgot about it, until I watched the movie for the first time on late night TV when I was about fourteen, and y’all, I was not ready! Since the trailer didn’t really tell you anything, I had no idea what to expect. Talk about sitting on the edge of your seat!
I was following along with this movie just fine and it was alright, until the last fifteen minutes. I will not spoil it for those of you too young to have watched it yet, but that last scene contains what is possibly one of the greatest jump scares in film history and cemented the Xenomorph as one of the most terrifying monsters in Horror for me.
The H-Man 1958
I won’t list the original Blob because while that movie was definitely disgusting, it was also kind of funny. The H-Man makes this list because I’ve been terrified of watching this movie ever since I first saw it. I’ve told you about my issues watching acidic, sentient snot devouring people alive and this movie is probably the reason why. I’m serious. Like quicksand, this is an actual problem! In japan this movie is called Beauty and the Liquid People, a very poetic name for what is probably one of the ickiest movies I’ve ever watched. The only other movie about acidic slime that maybe tops this one is the remake of The Blob made in 1987, and while that movie is certainly disgusting, its also kind of fun. This movie wasn’t fun. There’s nothing in this movie that’s played for laughs.
I think I’ve watched this movie about two and a half times over forty years. The last time I tried watching this was about three years ago, and I had to stop, because it was the middle of the night when it aired, and it totally creeped me the hell out so badly, I had to stop! I mean this movie literally makes my skin feel crawly! Yes, I had a hard time falling asleep with the lights on.
The Thing of The Thing
It’s not that the monster isn’t scary, but more the idea of the monster is what’s so terrifying. It’s this idea that the monster can look, act, and sound exactly like someone close to you, that you’ve been living in close quarters with, and that its mimicry is so good, that you literally cannot tell the difference between it and someone you think you’ve known for months, is what contributes so well to the movie’s feelings of dread and paranoia. For the first thirty minutes of the movie the monster is only ever referenced, and not shown, but once it does show up, its worth the wait, because Carpenter does a righteous job of its depiction.
The mood of this movie is incredible. In fact, the 1982 remake of The Thing is sometimes referred to as a perfect Horror movie, which despite its age, has not done badly. The monster, the practical effects, the environment, the cinematography, and characters, all still hold up very well over thirty years later.
The Medusa from Clash of the Titans
So, for comparison I watched the Clash of the Titans remake and let’s just say I was less than whelmed by the remake’s depiction of the Medusa. I mean she was alright, and she definitely had them bow and arrow skills but there’s just something about the original Harryhausen version that is both terrifying and wonderful. There’s something about the stop motion that lends itself well to her character that didn’t work well with the computer generated version in the remake. Also the remake decided to make the Medusa conventionally attractive, which is faithful to the original story, but is not scary.
Part of the reason this Medusa is frightening is the general mood and environment, and we can’t forget the novelty of having seen her for the first time. The low lighting and frozen bodies with their terrified expressions, and her disregard as she knocks them over during her pursuit, is simply disturbing. There’s also her facial expressions. She doesn’t just look angry or mean but a little melancholy. She is one of my favorite monsters and I keep imagining what it would be like to encounter such a being. Let’s face it, it would be terrifying!
Jean Jacket from Nope
One of the most terrifying things about the monster from Nope is that it appears more or less harmless ,and turns out to be anything but that. Part of the reason Jean Jacket so terrifying is its general demeanor. It’s really fast moving, and stealthy, and there are things about it that are just a complete mystery. We think its an alien because it resembles stories we’ve been telling ourselves about aliens, (and that attitude is what gets most of the people in the movie killed) but we don’t actually know what it is, where it came from, what its going to do next, how smart it is, or even its purpose.
There are somethings Jean Jacket does in the movie that are just puzzling and we can’t make any sense out of, like the rain of blood, or the final threat display that shows what it actually looks like. There’s a lot of conjecture among fans about this. So a large part of the terror of this monster is all the things we simply don’t know about it and I’m glad Peele didn’t bother to try to explain.
The Grey Widowers from The Mist
I think I mentioned before that along with “Doll Fear” I also have “Spider Fear”, its not as bad as when I was younger. I can at least look at them in movies, but these guys are simply horrifying because of their size, acidic webbing, and near human faces. These guys are inhabitants of one of the greatest monster movies ever made (simply because of the sheer number of horrors in it), Frank Darabont’s 2007 Stephen King adaptation of The Mist. I mean, I don’t like spiders because they’re bad enough at the size they are in the Amazon, but these guys spit acidic webbing! WHY?!!! Why would anyone think of that?!
If you are a fan of Creature Features than this is definitely the movie for you because it has all kinds of great, barely glimpsed, monsters strutting around in the Mist, devouring and chopping up various people who insist on running out into it. There’s the Giant Lobster creature that haunts a parking lot, and the giant mosquito creatures with poisonous venom, and the extra giant sized Kaiju… okay, lets face it, most of the monsters are of enormous size, but still I very much suspect that the Grey Widowers, as they are called by the film’s creators, are the top dogs in this monster ecosystem. I think one of the saddest scenes in the movie is when the lead characters drive past an overturned bus containing the desiccated bodies of school children. Darabont has no problem killing children in this movie, and this also makes The Mist one of the saddest and most shocking Horror movies of the 21st century.
The Entity from It Follows
I wrote two whole essays about the meaning of the invisible entity that stalks the lead character in this movie becasue there is a lot deeper stuff going on here than the surface plot of an STD monster that stalks and kills people. There are some very concrete reasons why the monster does what it does, and appears the way it appears in the movie. The entity here has some of the same issues that came up for The Thing. It can look like anyone, including people you know, and the victims wouldn’t know that it was dangerous to them unless they’d either been forewarned, or the person it was imitating was standing right next to them. In one instance in the film, a victim was warned, and still wasn’t ready when it attacked him.
My theory was that the monster shows up as personifications of the things its victims either fear the most (like rape, or growing old), or have the most anxiety about (their relationships with friends and family), and that the longer it tracks its victims it starts to attune itself to their very specific fears, which is why it will show up looking like their mother or their best friend, especially if they have any lowkey anxieties about them. What forms the monster takes can tell us a lot about the victim, and I thought that was kinda terrifying in an existential type of way.
Pennywise (from the It remake)
Okay, this entire movie (both parts) was simply deliciously terrifying and kind of awesome. I liked this movie far more than I enjoyed the original movie, which for me was simply meh! I am usually not impressed with remakes, and I was prepared not to like this, but after some thought and a couple of re-watches, I have to admit, this movie was very good, and part of the reason for that is the attention to detail of the monster and our care for the characters. Pennywise is actually very well done and very scary, and I like that his presence is often preceded by the appearance of a red balloon. I distinctly remember reading the original story by Stephen King, and being captivated by the opening scene of the clown in the sewer, and this terrifying scene was wonderfully depicted in this film, almost exactly the way I imagined it.
The monster is genuinely scary in all of its incarnations, but most especially in the second half of of the movie when it keeps showing up in various spider forms. It also doesn’t hurt that I actually cared about the characters and either rooted for them or condemned them based on their actions.
Normally, I would add a bonus round right here, but I think I’m going to start a new post. Next time my focus will be on the Scariest Traditional Monster films like werewolves and vampires and stuff. I think that’s with a look and allow me to expand this list of most terrifying monsters in Horror Cinema.
This is the live action version of the anime that’s currently playing on Netflix. I watched the anime version of this too but I prefer this version. It has the same basic plot as the anime, with little extras added, and I thought, more likable characters.
Akira Tendo is a much put upon and bullied office worker who works too much overtime, never takes vacations, and almost never has any time for himself. He’s bullied by his boss, is in an unrequited love with his female coworker, and generally hates going to work, but then his good fortune comes in the form of a zombie apocalypse. He sees this as a grand opportunity to complete a bucket list of activities before he succumbs to being a zombie.
He makes a list of all the things he’s always wanted to do and wished he could once do, and sets about actually fulfilling the list. He starts off with relatively easy things like cleaning his apartment, rooftop camping with steaks and fries, lazing around the house drinking beer, and shooting off some fireworks.
While out re-upping on beer he meets a bad ass zombie fighting girl he attaches himself to, and the two of them go off to save an old friend of Akira’s with whom he had a falling out after college. Apologizing to his best friend was one of the items on his bucket list, and his friend is so touched by this that becomes one of Akira’s biggest cheerleaders.
I really liked the relationships between these three characters, which thankfully DOES NOT become a love triangle. They’re just friends who care about each other. I also liked how the other two characters decided to join Akira on his bucket list quest, cheer him on, and even add their own wishes to the list. I was surprised that the list wasn’t already finished though. Akira doesn’t have a hundred items, and he and his friends would think of something they hadn’t done yet, and just add it to the list. Sometimes they would get the activity done, like driving an RV to the ocean, or being a superhero for a day, but the list started with only about ten items and by the end of the 2 hour movie there are only about 18 items.
Now, this zombie apocalypse is mostly played for laughs. The zombies are fast when they need to be, or conveniently slow whenever the characters need to pause and say a few lines, like when Akira encounters his first zombie hoard, and they’re chasing him quite quickly, until he needs to stop and reflect for a moment while they make sure to pause or fall down in the background. Yes, the zombies are dangerous but only when the plot requires them to be. So while occasionally Akira seems as if he might be in danger of being bitten he’s mostly safe. The movie is a comedy after all.
Unlike in the anime, Akira’s character arc mostly involves standing up to his bullying boss, whom he encounters later in the film, (and he has seemingly bullied an entire crew of people to work for him during the apocalypse), and gaining the confidence to save his coworkers from him and a great white zombie landshark, which is terrifying, utterly disgusting, and still deeply funny!
I really liked this movie, and hope there’s a sequel, because Akira and his friends weren’t anywhere near a hundred items on the bucket list and were basically making it up as they went along. This is not even remotely a serious movie, and I had quite a lot of fun, cheering Akira and his friends in their ridiculous adventures.
Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse (In Theaters)
I saw this with my niece and nephew when it was released because we are both huge Spiderman fans. Now, I’m more of a classic Peter Parker fan because that’s the Spiderman I grew up with, but Miles Morales has really grown on me. I like him a lot and I enjoyed this movie, even though it’s only the first part of a duo or trilogy.
Since I’m an art nerd, I paid really close attention to the various artistic styles used in the animation and I LOVED IT! Every prominent Spiderman gets an artistic style that reflects their nature. The Indian Spiderman gets really bright red and gold sari-like colors and a smooth drawing style. SpiderGwen gets some soft pastel pinks and blues which are often reflected in her environment and shows her moods, which I thought was a neat subtle trick. There’s the primary villain (who is a result of decisions Miles made during the first movie), who gets a chaotic black and white, polka dot, drawing style, as befitting his character, and another minor villain reflects an old school Leonardo DaVinci style (in keeping with that character’s personal philosophies about what is and isn’t art), and all these different styles just had me sitting there with a big silly grin!
But the plot doesn’t slack either, as it’s not all style with no substance, and the story successfully juggles a couple of narrative messages. If the first movie was about Miles taking that leap of faith and owning up to being Spiderman, this second film is about his full acceptance of his Spider Identity, what kind of Spiderman he wants to become, and trying to escape the league of Spidermen who have decided he is not worthy since it turns out that this version of Miles was never meant to be Spiderman.
In deciding what type of Spiderman he wants to be, we get to meet a lot of great Spidermen, some of which I knew from the comic books, including some great cameos from Spidercat, Spiderhorse, and a holographic Spidergirl of the future. But my all-time favorite character was the English Spiderpunk, Hobie Brown, (I also read those comics a long time ago) with the Indian Spiderman (Pavitr) running behind him at a very, very, close pace! I loved these two characters even more than the ones from the first movie, and it’s hard as hell to top Nicholas Cage as Spiderman Noir (Yes, I still want a Spiderman Noir movie.) There’s also Miguel O’Hara as Spiderman 2099, who I distinctly remember from the comics, and a very pregnant, Black version of Jessica Drew, who is also from the comic books. Classic Peter Parker also shows up and we get to meet his babygirl, MayDay Parker, (who got them spiderskills just like her daddy!)
Okay, I better zip it up before I give the whole plot away, but heads up! the lowkey MVP of the entire movie, is Spiderpunk! Pay close attention to everything he says and does, which is easy because, even though he only gets about five minutes of screen time, and Billy Idol sneer aside, he’s easily the funniest, coolest, and realest Spiderman to ever grace a movie screen!
This movie was so much fun, and not just because of the cameos, but the plot had plenty of little twists and turns, and the film’s message echoed some of the messaging I saw in The Flash movie, (about saving everyone) and I cannot wait to see its conclusion next year.
Last Voyage of the Demeter(In Theaters)
I was really looking forward to this as I said in a post earlier this year and I think it was worth the wait. I cannot say it was an enjoyable film because that would imply that it didn’t scare the pants off me, which is, of course, exactly what I wanted it to do. I really got invested, and I considered it worth both my time and money.
Now, the clearest description I’ve heard of this movie is it’s basically Alien At Sea. This is a classic old school creature feature, with lots of practical effects and an incredible star turn by the Spanish actor Javier Botet, who I’d never heard of, but apparently I’ve been watching him in a lot of monster movies.
This is the OG Dracula in attendance here. If you walk into this expecting the Dracula from any number of romance-adjacent movies of the past thirty years, you’re gonna be disappointed. This Dracula barely speaks. He kills, slashes, stalks, flies, and skulks, but he doesn’t talk. He’s a monster and a disease. This is not the suave, well spoken, sophisticated gentleman that you’re used to seeing.
I’ve read Dracula multiple times over the years. It’s one of my favorite novels, and the Voyage of the Demeter is one of the early chapters of the book, chronicling Dracula’s journey from Transylvania to London, as told in the Captain’s log, and this version of Dracula is as described in the book. The director remained as faithful as possible to the chapter and the plot is fairly simple. Just like the movie Alien, there’s something on the ship, picking off the crew one by one, and discovering what the monster is and fighting it, is the bulk of the movie. This isn’t just a retread of the Alien movie, although there are some formulaic parallels in keeping with this type of film.
The mood of the film is exactly as it should be to induce maximum dread, even though you know more about what’s happening than the crew. I could’ve done without a few of the convenient thunderstorms that popped up whenever Dracula was on the move because it made things hard to see at times. I was rooting for the crew though, and the Black character, Clemson, who is the primary, is a made up character just for the movie.
That there is a setup for a possible sequel is mildly annoying, but to be honest, I wouldn’t mind seeing another more accurate version of the rest of the book. Coppola’s 1992 Bram Stoker’s Dracula is about as close as Hollywood has ever gotten to actually filming the book, and it still has never been topped. I don’t expect a sequel to do that, but I would watch a straight up Horror version of Dracula, that’s a mashup of 30 Days of Night and Aliens!
The Last Of Us (HBO/Max)
Let me confess, I’ve never played the videogame this series is based on. I’ve heard a lot about how good it is, and I’ve watched a few videos that explain the monsters in it, so I didn’t exactly walk into this series blind. I knew who the two primary characters were and what the goal was. I can say that you do not need to have played the videogame to understand or like this series. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Based on reviews of those who have played the game it is faithful enough to be worth watching but has enough depth and story explanation to be satisfying for those who haven’t.
The basic premise is that humanity has been overcome with zombie-like creatures that infect human beings through a fungal infection based on the real world Cordyceps infection. Like a lot of zombie adjacent movies and series, there is more than enough body horror to satisfy even the most jaded Horror movie fan, the special effects are excellent, and there is plenty of action and pathos. Once again though, what captured and kept me interested were the characters, and thankfully that’s where most of the focus is.
Joel is a burnt out survivor who finds it hard to get close to others after losing his daughter during the pandemic outbreak, and Ellie is a young girl who is seemingly immune to the virus, that he must escort to a medical facility to determine if there is a cure. In other words, this is your standard zombie road trip movie where people need to travel somewhere or accomplish some goal at the end of the world. Where it excels is in the writing and character. There are certain things expected to happen because we’ve seen this type of plot dozens of times, especially if you enjoy zombie (and zombie-adjacent) movies and shows, but there are also more than a few unexpected gems that make the series more than award-worthy.
For me and a lot of other critics, the outstanding episode was #3, Long Long Time, not least because the title is one of my favorite Linda Ronstadt songs. It isn’t often that a show about zombies makes me cry but as I said this is where this series excels. I got deeply invested in two characters who, while they were peripheral to the story in the game, are fully fleshed out here, and done in such a way that they didn’t feel like token or tragic characters, and their storyline added to the overall theme of the show. I consider this particular episode one of the finest hours of television I watched this year. It stars Nick Offerman as Bill, and Murray Bartlett as Frank, as the gay couple from the game, in an episode that is universally hailed as the series greatest.
But the show doesn’t stop there. There are many beautiful moments within the season that made me sit up and take notice. Another of my favorite episodes is the one where Ellie falls in love. Some of my favorite scenes simply show Ellie and Joel walking and talking to each other, including one where he and Ellie feed a pack of giraffes they encounter in Central Park!
I think there is definitely going to be a season two, since so many people seemed to enjoy this, and there is a part two to the game, although the focus there isnt Joel, but Ellie and her adventures. I always hesitate to say something is fun when it made me cry, or scared the bejeezus out of me, but this actually was fun to watch, since it did for me exactly what it promised.
I am of mixed emotions regarding this TV series. I love the John Wick movies because of their sheer levels of Ultra-violence, and I was looking forward to this, but this just doesn’t look as good, the lead actor seems rather bland, and it stars Mel Gibson, someone I’ve grown an aversion to since I found out waaay too much information about him.
The Pros: It looks pretty and atmospheric. It’s set in the 70s and someone remembered that Black women existed back then. The action scenes look okay. Its only 3 episodes, so it doesnt require a major investment of time and emotional energy from me.
The Cons: It stars Mel Gibson. The lead actor is incredibly boring and forgettable, and the plot is bog-standard heist movie stuff (but that’s okay sometimes).
Verdict: I will probably watch this while grimacing at Mel Gibson’s face.
The Book of Clarence
I am in love with LaKeith Stanfield and have been ever since I watched his crazy ass character in the TV series Atlanta. He has been in a a number of good quality productions like Sorry To Bother You and The Black Western, The Harder They Fall (one of my personal favorites). Here he is in a New Testament Parody film about an ancient con-artist who wants to be as famous as Jesus. I’m not sure if this is a condemnation of religion in general or Christianity or what (and I don’t care if it is), but I really like LaKeith, so I will probably watch this.
It’s being released in January, and I hope it does well. I especially want all those people who keep whining about how films aren’t being original anymore to go see this film. Its not a sequel, or a franchise, and doesn’t have any superheroes in it (unless you count Jesus, I guess).
The Cons: It stars Benedict Cummmerbund.
The Changeling
LaKeith is also starring in this little gem based on a Horror/Fantasy novel written by one of my favorite authors, Victor Lavalle about a man who discovers something bizarre about his life after his wife commits a horrible crime. I do not have Apple Tv but I will try to find a way to watch this because it seems intriguing. Perhaps if this series does well, I may get to see one of my favorite Lavalle stories, The Ballad of Black Tom, on the big screen one day.
You should probably check out these stories even if you have no intention of ever watching this series because Lavalle is a fantastic Horror writer.
Rebel Moon
I’m probably one of ten people that are really big fans of Zack Snyder, so I am really looking forward to this. I heard it was supposed to be a Star Wars movie but Disney rejected it and Netflix said they would take it and that he could do whatever he wanted, so Snyder fans have been hearing about this project for about two years now, its almost here, and all ten of us are very excited!
Pros: I also like the word building in Star Wars and this looks very Star Wars-y, with aliens and stuff. It looks like a fun adventure. I also do not need to go to a theater or spend extra money to see it.
Cons: There are no drawbacks to me watching this. I’m glad Mel Gibson isn’t in it.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians
I know nothing about the Percy Jackson books this movie is based on, but I bet my niece and nephew do. I mostly want to see it because of the usual loudmouthed bigots who were protesting the casting of the little Black girl in the movie ( and I like her face.) They raised such a stink that the author himself had to go online and chew them out about it, saying the decision was final, and he’s fine with it.
Pros: I always try to support those projects that remember that Black women exist and that we also like to have adventures, and its airing on Disney+.
Cons: I know nothing about the Percy Jackson book series other than the broad idea that it involves the children of the Greek gods of old.
When you use an object in your home, do you put it back where you found it?
Yeah, actually I do. It’s pretty much just me in hte house but I’ve always known that if I don’t put something back in the place I’ve chosen for it, I will never be able to find it again, and I hate looking for stuff. Basically, that item will be lost forever. I will buy a whole new thing rather than keep looking for something I lost in my house.
I recently lost (of all things) my laundry bag, and rather than continuing to look for something I know damn well is still in my house, and can only be in one of two rooms, I chose to just get a new laundry bag. I still cannot imagine where I might have placed the old one. I suppose I could try searching harder for it…but I don’t feel like it.
Do you squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or the bottom?
I’ve heard that this is barbaric, but I squeeze the tube from the middle, until I get down to the last of it, and then I squeeze from the end. I’ve never thought this through or anything. I’m just lazy when it comes to tubes of stuff.
Do you peel a banana from the handle or the bottom?
I used to peel bananas from the handle, but I have since learned that not only are you supposed to peel it from the bottom, but it’s just easier to open up the banana. So now I peel them from the bottom.
This sort of goes along with the toilet roll paper unrolling from the top or the bottom. I’m a roll out from the top toilet paper roll person because that’s just scientifically correct.
Do you leave dishes in the sink overnight?
No. I’m one of those obnoxious people who washes the dishes as she cooks. It’s just me in the house dirtying up the dishes, so I’m pretty much the only one to do them, and I’ve learned that if I leave a single dish in the sink, my brother (who visits every day because he lives nearby) will come along and exasperatedly wash it while giving me the stinky eye and asking me pointed questions about why there are dishes in the sink. I do not enjoy being given the stinky eye so I keep the sink spotless.
What was your best school subject? What was your worst?
My best subject in school was of course, English, because it involved a lot of reading and thinking and I can do that. My worst subject (the worst subject I’ve ever taken) was Statistics. I chose that because I had a choice between that and Calculus and thought Statistics would be easier. It was not! It is the only class I’ve ever needed to be tutored in to pass it.
Funny story, but the teacher for my Statistics class also tutored my brother at his school. Its funny because my brother and I went to separate schools, and he tutored my brother in Algebra a couple of years before he taught math at my school. About halfway through the semester he asked me if I knew his name, and I had to explain that yes, that was indeed my brother, which tickled my teacher no end!
How many instruments can you play?
I can expertly play two instruments: The triangle, and the tambourine!
I can read music, (I can even inexpertly write music), which allows me to slowly and incompetently tinkle the ivories. I would not call it playing.
I also know how to look as if I know what I’m doing while strumming a guitar. Hint: I have no idea what I’m doing on the guitar.
Yes or no to music?
What kind of person says no to music? I am inherently suspicious of any human being that doesn’t enjoy at least some form of music. That person is getting a very long side-eye from me because they cannot be trusted.
Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
I love sweet foods, especially ice cream. I will eat sweet foods all day if given the option. Fortunately, my body decided a long time ago that it’s not going to allow me to just eat whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, and will punish me for giving it food it doesn’t need. (Also, the medication I’m taking severely limits how much food I can eat, so I end up prioritizing actual home-cooked foods, rather than processed junk food.)
I still want the sweets though.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I am most definitely an introvert.
To give you some idea of how much of an introvert I am: The Pandemic shutdowns had absolutely no effect on my lifestyle whatsoever. My life was not significantly upheaved in the slightest.
What is your favorite fruit?
Apples. I will eat just about any fruit, but I eat apples at least 3 to 5 times a week, usually for lunch. My current favorite is the Ambrosia variety but I will eat any other kind of apple in a pinch except for the McIntosh and Gala. The rest of the time it’s seedless grapes, navel oranges, and different types of berries. But I prefer peeled, unaccompanied, apples. (I peel them because I hate it when the skin gets caught in my teeth.)
I don’t think I’ve ever talked about this here! That’s incredible! I’ve talked about my favorite movies and monsters, examined various landscapes and talked about language, sound editing, and symbolic imagery, but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about the things about horror movies that make me angry, exasperated, or are a complete turnoff if I all I do is see it in the trailer.
Here, in no particular order are the tropes I’m tired of seeing, the most annoying types of characters, and the kinds of events that are a complete turnoff when watching any type of Horror movie.
1. The Unprepared Hiker
I absolutely cannot stand it when I see Hikers in Horror movies who are woefully unprepared for walking around in the middle of no and where. I’m not even talking about phones. I’m talking about basic shit like a compass and a map! We never see any of these future lost bodies consulting maps or using a compass, or hell, checking the weather on their phones which, even if you can’t get a signal to call someone, is at least good for that. These are supposedly experienced hikers with no talents whatsoever for woodcraft.
I’m a Black person and we don’t usually wander around in the woods as a general rule. I mean we could, as there’s nothing really stopping us from doing it, except most of us like the kinds of nature found in cities, and wandering about in the middle of the woods leaves us especially vulnerable to any white people we encounter who want to do us mischief, and I’m not talking about the events of Deliverance. If a serial killer/KKK wannabe wants to do something to me he’s gonna have to find me in my house. I’m not gonna make it easy for him (or her) by stranding myself in the middle of bumfuck Idaho, where my body could potentially never be found!
Personally, I don’t think anyone of any race should be wandering around in the woods with no destination in mind, when they could simply step out of doors for a few minutes and get all the -mosquitoes, err…I mean nature, they can handle.
2. Technology Is Unreliable
From now on, I will be forever reminded of that Geico ad where the teenagers are running from the deranged killer with a chainsaw, and they have the opportunity to get into the running car, or hide in the shed behind a wall of machetes, and they elect to hide in the shed, while the killer just shakes his head at their stupidity (and we’ll get to that in a moment.)
At first, I was kinda mad at them for not choosing the car, but then I gave it some thought. Hiding behind the machetes is a better choice because we all know that in a Horror movie, that car is completely unreliable. Its just a trap. Sure the car is running now, but as soon as they get behind the wheel, it will shut off, and no one will be able to turn it back on.
Cars never run in horror movies. Phones never work unless the killer is the one doing the calling. In fact, any piece of technology that could potentially help the victim will not work in a Horror movie. Any form of transportation will shut down, any form of communication beyond a smoke signal won’t get one, and of course, the killer has cut the phone lines! I have never understood the thing about cars, since the vehicle was working just fine while getting its victims to their “place of assignation”.
Those teenagers would be much better off attempting to defend themselves with the machetes rather than trusting the deceptively running vehicle.
3. The Unheeded Warning
I hate when characters in Horror movies receive multiple warnings of what not to do, where not to go, what not to read, or touch, or look at, and they do it anyway! The first time I saw this was in American Werewolf in London where the protagonist and his best friend commit the unpardonable sins of not just unprepared hiking (because adventure!) but not heeding the warnings from the locals to stay on the road.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel that them staying on the road would’ve at all saved them from the monster, but it was still annoying. YOU WERE WARNED! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
In movie after movie, usually involving hikers and campers, people are given multiple warnings not to go near the Old Johnson Place, or not to cross that bridge, or whistle past the cemetery while juggling a pair of bowling pins, only for the characters to basically say, “Hold my beer!”
I just watched a short film where a character is given multiple warnings to not go near an old barn, and make sure the house lights are off at 11PM, so they could get a discount while staying at some off grid B&B. Well, what do you know? She promptly forgets both of these rules and is subsequently killed (and probably eaten) by the monster, and all I could do was roll my eyes at this because apparently this trope is still alive and well, and I saw it coming.
See, once I reach the point where I’m rooting for the monster, because the characters are hardheaded and/or stupid, I’m pretty much done with that movie.
4. Unlikable Characters
Speaking of rooting for the monster, this is something my mother and I used to engage in all the time. We’d watch monster movies and hope sometimes that the monster would win or discuss which unlikable characters would die first.
I think the movie Cabin in the Woods laid out exactly which character tropes are supposed to be included in every Horror movie, (The Final Girl, The Scholar, The Whore, The Jock), and I don’t normally have a problem with these particular tropes because such characters can still be given, well…character. They can be written in a sympathetic way, or at least made likable.
There’s always the obnoxious dudebro, usually a Jock who thinks he’s a Scholar (Hint: he knows nothing!) and just wants to be in charge because he has a penis. There’s always one, exactly one, Black guy. He’s got no family, and no other friends of color. Sometimes he’s dating one of the white women in the group. He is always angry for no apparent reason, because that is a Black man’s natural state , I guess! Now, normally I don’t USUALLY have a problem with a character being a sexpot, but I do object to bad timing. YOU WANNA KISS HIM NOW?!!!REALLY! THE MONSTER IS STANDING RIGHT THERE. IT’S LOOKING AT YOU!
In any movie where the monster is more likable and/or sympathetic that the characters, you better be Guillermo Del Toro, or at least it had better be on purpose.
5. The “Blink and You’ll Miss It” Monster
I didn’t post a photo for this trope which is entirely appropriate because you cannot see the monster. This is about movies that are so badly edited (or cheap) that the monster isnt given his due diligence and actually shown on the screen.
Now, its okay if there is a slow buildup to showing a monster that’s been haunting the edges of the story the entire time, like Jaws, or if the monster is invisible. I get it. But when its time to show us the monster and all I get are a bunch of quick edits and growling noises, Imma get a little pissed. What kind of monster is it? Don’t tease me that the characters are seeing something truly horrible and then don’t show it to me!
I do understand budget constraints but I’ve seen a few good movies where that worked out to the viewer’s satisfaction, in movies like It Follows, where the monster literally just looks just like everyone else in the movie and that’s the point. No, what I’m talking about are editors and directors who think they need to show the monster’s frenetic activity by wildly swinging the camera around or a bunch of half a second quick cuts of claws and screaming faces.
Guys, that’s just annoying. Stop it.
6. Cheap Cinematography
This is sooo annoying! I like a nice crisp picture with sharp outlines, nice contrasts, and some color wouldn’t be too bad, although I will watch black & white films with no issue, but I do not want to have to strain my eyeballs anymore than I have to to see what’s happening on the screen, and I hate a dull washed out image. It makes the movie feel cheap, like the creators couldn’t afford good film stock, or didn’t know how to use a digital camera. In more than a few cases it seems like they didn’t know how to use lights either, because there are quite a few movies where things are happening in the woods at night, or in dark rooms, but I’ll never know what any of those events were because I can’t see them.
Bad cinematography is a sign that a movie is just cheap. Sometimes the sound is dull, the dialogue is bad, and the acting is even worse. I’ve learned to look for the signs that the movie is going to be a waste of my time because Imma snob. Also, that first half of the photo up there is the reason why people need to wear makeup. You don’t want your actors looking like that.
If it looks as if more money was spent on the women’s hair and bikinis than on the sound editing, and/or images, I know I need to keep it moving cuz the monster (if there is one) is also gonna be no good either.
7. Party, Party, Party (The Drunk and the Stupid)
This goes along with unlikable characters because I just hate dumb characters. In fact, I will forgive a drunk character quicker than I will characters who do things because the plot requires them to be idiots. There are two kinds of Horror movie plots. The kind where the characters really don’t know any better and are responding the best way they know how to their circumstances, and the kind of plot where the characters do the stupidest things the writers can think of just to move the plot forward.
I won’t discuss the usual stupid choices that characters make in Horror movies like reading from the supernatural tome they just found in the basement, or splitting up to investigate a noise. But oddly, one of my biggest pet peeves are characters who are always looking for a party. They are obsessed with partying. I’ve met people at parties in real life, who seemed to be enjoying themselves a bit too much, but I have never met anyone who is obsessed with finding and attending any and every party. It is their absolute obsession with finding a party that has them making really stupid choices throughout the movie, like hiking, unprepared, into the middle of of the woods.
8. The Pointless Jump Scare (It’s Just the Cat!)
I am so done with this trope. Are people still doing this in Horror movies? I mean I wouldn’t know because I generally am sticking with a better class of Horror these days (like Midsommar, and Nope) but I’m curious. Is this still a thing? I do remember there was a short period during which people were claiming to have become fed up with cat jump scares, but I don’t hear anyone talking about this anymore, so maybe things have changed.
9. The Strolling Killer
I think this one is just personal to me but I hate the leisurely killer trope. They are in no hurry to kill anyone. They just calmly stroll through the environment, whether it’s on a woodland trail, or a suburban sidewalk, without a care in the world. They just know they’re gonna catch ya. No rush!
What’s even more annoying is the killer who just suddenly appears in front of the victim, when we just saw them strolling breezily along behind the victim a minute ago. So…lemme get this right. He can move Sonic Hedgehog fast when he wants to, but…chooses not to do that while we’re looking at him? are they taking in the scenery? Can only do this in short bursts? What?
10. Let’s All Die Separately
This is in line with stupid characters making dumb choices, I guess. Its a lot easier for the killer or revenant or zombies or whatever to kill individual people, so that’s why this decision gets made. I just wish that the writers came up with much better excuses for why everyone gets separated. In the movie Cabin in the Woods, the writers answered all of the stupidity by having the manipulators of the story pump drugs into the cabin so the participants would make foolish choices and get killed more easily, and I thought that was funny and inventive. Sometimes the writers seem aware of these tropes and take this into account when crafting the movie, and I appreciate that.
In the movie Cabin in the Woods, the writers answered all of the stupidity by having the manipulators of the story pump drugs into the cabin so the participants would make foolish choices and get killed more easily, and I thought that was funny and inventive. Sometimes the writers seem aware of these tropes and take this into account when crafting the movie, and I appreciate that.
Honorable Mention:
There’s one thing that I’m completely tired of in Horror movies and that is the sight of people being dragged into the dark by invisible assailants. This happens in every supernatural Horror movie made in the last twenty years and its a trope that needs to be retired. This is one of the primary reasons I remain unimpressed by the endless Insidious, Conjuring, Paranormal Activity, Grudge remakes. They just aren’t particularly scary to me and if I see that scene in a trailer I don’t even bother to watch the movie.
Note: Last week I caught a cold bug. I was down for the count and couldn’t post. But I’m all better this week and I’ll be back on track with more content.
Here’s my Fall movie list. Now, this doesn’t mean that I’ll actually see these movies. That depends if I have the money to see them. I’m not a person who wants to see everything nor can I afford to. I work full time but I don’t have the kind of disposable income that will let me see everything whenever I feel like it, and I try to pick movies I know for an absolute certainty I’m going to like, which means movies I had a high anticipation for based on the trailer (or if my niece or nephew ask to see it). So, a couple of these they asked me to take them to see, a couple of them are streaming movies I’ll watch at home, and a couple of them (usually the more serious or dramatic ones) I’ll see alone.
Anyway, I may have talked about a few of these movies here before, but here are the full trailers for them rather than just the teasers.
One Piece
I talked about this movie here before. As I said last time, I don’t actually know anything about the Manga from which this movie comes, but the full trailer looks like a lot of fun, and more importantly, I can stay home and watch it, since its airing on Netflix. I’m not normally into pirates, although I do like films set at sea. This looks like a combination of superheroes and found family, which I’m always a sucker for.
Release Date: August 31
The Marvels
Here’s the full length trailer for this movie. I had every intention of going to see this with my niece and nephew. We made a vow to see every MCU film that gets released this year, but we failed for reasons beyond our control. We didn’t get to see Guardians of the Galaxy 3, but we have seen the other movies. My kiddos like this because they’ve become big Marvel fans, and I just want to see Kamala Khan. I’m a huge fan, I loved her series, and the plot seems like a fun use of the character’s superpowers.
Release Date: November 10
The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon
Of all the characters I knew would never be killed off this series Daryl was definitely it. I’ve long abandoned the series itself but I want to see this because I genuinely like the character, it’s got those Last of Us/Found Family vibes, I love so much, and zombies.
Lately, I’ve been reluctant to invest in serious shows, sticking to more lightweight, comedic series and movies, since that’s all I’m capable of emotionally handling right now, but on occasion I do want to watch something with slightly more depth, but not too deep, and this kinda fits.
Release Date: September 10
The Creator
I’m starting to enjoy robot films again (not that I ever really stopped). I really like John David Washington and I’m a sucker for “the big gruff man who adopts a vulnerable child” plot, which this seems to resemble.
This movie, Dune, and Killers of the Flower Moon are the three deepest movies I’ll watch this Fall. There are a couple more that are mildly serious, like The Equalizer sequel and The Last Voyage of the Demeter, and a couple of fluffy/comedy movies, like Blue Beetle and The Marvels. I think that’s a good combination of films to spend my money on. And of course, the more serious movies I’ll be going to see on my own, sans niece and nephew.
Release Date: September 29
Killers of the Flower Moon
I’m really looking forward to this one and not just because its Scorcese’s latest. I read the book eons ago it seems and I don’t remember much of it beyond feeling outraged, but I like Scorcese, and hope he does Justice to the topic. This is one of the films I’ll be watching alone.
Release Date: October 20
Last Voyage of the Demeter
I talked about my enthusiasm for this movie which comes right at the start of what Halloween enthusiasts like me refer to as Spooky Season (the time period between September and October 31st) although frankly its Halloweenland all year long for me, and its also the first really good looking monster movie of the year! Unless they specifically ask, I won’t be taking the kiddos to see this one. My niece loves Horror movies, so she might ask to see it. We’ll see what her Mom says about that.
Release Date: August 11
Blue Beetle
This is one of the last couple of superhero movies we’ll be seeing in the coming weeks. I read the comic books this character is based on and there’s a few things I really like about this, and a few eye rolling things, but it otherwise looks like a fun time.
Release Date: August 18
Dune (Part 2)
We already know how I feel about the first part of the Dune trilogy. Here’s the full trailer for the second part, and it looks awesome! I hope it’s a good as the first part, since sometimes the middle section of trilogies can fall flat. As usual, I’m gonna have things to say about this, and how it relates to the first movie, so stay tuned. I do not expect the kids to express an interest in seeing this movie, so I’ll be watching this alone, just like I did the first.
Release Date: November 3
In December:
The Color Purple
I’m not sure I’m going to see this, but I look forward to its reception. I’ll see it if my niece asks me to take her. It’s a musical, and a re-imagining, but it’s possible it might be too mature for an 11 year old, and I also know its gonna make me cry, and I like to try to look like I’m holding my shit together in public. (I’m a pronounced failure at that. I will cry at anything! I cried during The Flash!)
Let’s be clear, just because these movies are forgotten, doesn’t mean you need to immediately go out and watch them. You also don’t need to go watch them just because I liked them, (although there are a couple of movies on this list I don’t actually like, but was just recently reminded I hadn’t seen since they last aired on TV). For some of these, there’s a clear reason why no one has spoken about them, or sometimes not been mentioned by the people who starred in them. On the other hand, at least a couple of these are real gems worth looking for, and relatively easy to find, that simply don’t get enough love.
The Possession of Joel Delaney(1972)
I don’t know what possessed the makers of this movie to make this movie. It’s racist as all hell, full of old 1970s Latino stereotypes, although I get that the writer of this film probably thought they were making something informative and helpful for the time period, when really they were just making a movie about those scary Spanish speaking people who lived in the city. This movie has aged like milk, which is the reason that Shirley MacLaine has never mentioned this as part of her film repertoire. This could have remained one of those movies that would have been lost to my own memories had I not been forcefully reminded of its existence in a recent news article.
MacLaine plays a Manhattan woman of means who starts to believe that her brother is possessed by the spirit of a serial killer from Spanish Harlem. I think this movie is supposed to be a cash-in on the exploits of the serial killer du jour at that time, Richard Ramirez, who was also known as The Valley Intruder, who was a rapist, serial killer, child molester, burglar…he specialized in everything really. Shockingly, it was released before The Exorcist, so it did kinda help kick off the spate of exorcism films following in that more famous film’s wake.
I remember watching this movie when I was a teenager, thinking that it would be an interesting movie like The Exorcist, and it was, up to a point, but I was still distinctly and uncomfortably aware of the film’s racism. You can watch this as an artifact of its time, but it’s not a great film, or at times, even a good one. I remember it being wildly over the top and the lead character was hysterically overdone which now that I consider it, is entirely in keeping with the 70’s Horror aesthetic.
This movie is available for free on Youtube.
The Gate (1987)
This is one of those movies that was actually pretty good, contained some genuinely scary moments, and yet still managed to be mostly forgotten, thanks to time, and movies that were simply louder, and had slightly better special effects, like Poltergeist, and Gremlins, both of which this film seems to reference.
A little boy, his best friend, sister, and her friends discover a strange hole in their backyard. They decide to read a book of incantations over the whole in an attempt to close it (because it’s the 80s and that was simply what one did back then), but instead end up releasing a horde of tiny demons that wreak havoc through their house for the rest of the night, which culminates in the release of a Boss demon (and some possible demon possession) by the end of the film.
I rather liked this film. I saw it on video a couple of years after its release, but I distinctly remember watching the trailer at my aunt’s house and feeling intrigued and a little scared. For some reason, those little white-skinned demons really bothered me, and the giant demon that shows up at the end is crude but effective. It’s not a bad film, but it is a very 80s film, with all the wardrobe, dialogue, and special effects of that time period. This is another movie that you don’t have to watch, but if you do, keep in mind that it’s simply an artifact representative of an era.
The Gate is available on Freevee via Amazon Prime, and Tubi.
Scanners (1981)
I kind of know why this movie was forgotten, but at the time it was released it was one of the hottest topics in America, mostly because of the very graphic special effects of people’s heads exploding. Outside of the general plot and special effects though the movie is sort of a bust. The one major drawback is the acting of the lead character. I have the distinct memory of grimacing every time he appeared on screen, and I definitely remember asking myself who cast this man in this role. He had all of the acting skills of a wooden plank. No, really!
Now, this is a David Cronenberg film, so I am a little bit more forgiving of him because he did eventually learn how to hire actual actors for his lead roles by the time he made The Fly five years later, but this movie contains all of the body horror subject matter that made a name for him in the industry. (If you want to know who I’m talking about David Cronenberg is now starring in the fourth season of Star Trek Discovery.)
The plot is a rather convoluted thing about different groups of telekinetics and mind readers at war with each other for control of humanity. This also involves some drugs given to certain mothers, which caused their babies to be psychic while in the womb. The plot isn’t really important because you won’t remember it. What you will remember are the exploding heads, popping veins, arterial spray, and exploding eyeballs. This movie was disgusting. I saw it when I was maybe 14, and I always wished I’d waited until I was a little bit older before I watched it, like maybe sixteen.
Scanners is available to watch on the Max app, and free on Amazon Prime.
The Fury (1978)
Okay, I watched this movie as a teenager, not because of the supernatural teen superpowers plot, but because it starred one of my favorite actors at the time, Andrew Stevens, who had a luxurious head of wavy brown hair. I mentioned before that men with luxurious bouffants were my teenage weakness and Andrew was a perfect example of a teen girl’s tastes going horribly wrong because while he was great to look at, he was not a great actor. On the other hand, Amy Irving was great and got to star in yet another Brian DePalma film about a girl with out-of-control psychic powers. I was not a fan of Kirk Douglas. He was just some old guy I saw in other older movies at the time (the 80s), but now that I’m an adult I can much better appreciate his role in this film.
The plot is loosely based on the novel by John Farris about a couple of twin psychics, one of whom is captured by the government, sexually groomed and experimented on in order to turn him into a more tractable Dr. Manhattan (his name is Robin), and the other, a young lady named Gillian, is captured by the government, manages to escape, and wreaks havoc before government agents try to use the first psychic to re-capture her.
The story has everything: father-son relationships, kidnapping, government assassins, psychic killings, evil conspirators, betrayals, psychic bonds between strangers, and whatnot. But what the movie is most famous for is Brian DePalma’s use of spectacle to end the story by having the bad guy get blown up like a firecracker. I remember the media paid a lot of attention to this particular special effect, which is how I learned about this movie’s existence because, before all that noise, I wasn’t paying any attention.
The movie isn’t bad, but it does have several ridiculous moments like when Robin racistly attacks a bunch of Middle Eastern tourists at a mall because he was told that people who look like them killed his father, and including a deeply icky one where the bad guy tries the same sexual grooming tactics on Gillian at the end of the film which, as I said, results in explosive retaliation. I haven’t seen this movie in at least a couple of decades and had largely forgotten about Andrew and his luxurious hair, until I stumbled across a book recommendation for people who like Stephen King.
The Fury is available on Hulu.
Nightbreed (1990)
By the time of this movie’s release, I had moved out of my “luxurious hair” phase and into my “I love monsters” phase. Not only that, but I had found my people, because I had a group of girlfriends who felt the same way about sexy monsters, and we went to all the latest movies that featured them and squeed about how handsome they were. Anyway, we were behaving embarrassingly young and I don’t regret a single moment of it.
I feel like people don’t give this movie enough love or credit, especially considering the story was from Clive Barker. Clive Barker is now famous for writing sympathetic monsters and the monsters featured in this film were some of his best, although the movie is largely senseless. The monster that I and one of my friends acted a fool over was named Peloquin, while my other friend was going gaga over a character named Narcisse because that was her type. I mostly remember this movie with great fondness because of the goofiness of me and my friends, and this was one of the few times that I saw a movie where the monsters were actually the persecuted good guys.
As you know, or should, Horror movies have always had a problem with using “ugliness” (or simply unconventional looks) as a shorthand for evil, something I briefly mentioned in my post about Horror movies set in the country where the rural poor are often cast as cannibals and serial killers. In this story, the monsters are set upon by townsfolk after being blamed for a series of murders committed by a creepy psychologist played by David Cronenberg. Boone, the protagonist of the film was framed for the murders by the creepy psychologist, which caused Boone to flee to a place of safety called Midian, “where the monsters live”.
Ive been just a little bit obsessed with the idea of Midian ever since. Apparently, I’m not alone in this, because there have been a series of graphic novels and an anthology based on the characters in the film, but this partial-franchise still manages to remain mostly below the radar.
Nightbreed is available on most of the free movie streaming apps, like Tubi, Plex, Amazon, and Roku.
Gargoyles (1972)
I have fond memories of watching this movie very late one night, and that’s because the movie was just too awful to air in Primetime. This was the type of film you were either going to see at noon, or 2AM. It’s been a very very long time since I saw this, so I hadn’t even remembered that Scott Glenn, one of my favorite actors, was even in this movie.
This was one of the earliest movies I’d ever seen (and remembered) where the monsters are actually sympathetic. I remember liking the lead gargoyle when he finally showed up and spoke in a cultured English accent. Or at least thats how I remember it.
An archeologist and his daughter come across some artifacts or something that leads the father to believe in the existence of gargoyles. Anyway, some misunderstandings ensue and a war breaks out between the gargoyles and the humans, which I guess the humans, more or less win, but the gargoyles are still alive at the end, so I’m not sure.
I was ten, so I was fascinated by the special effects involved in the gargoyle’s lizard skin tufted suits, and wings that were apparently made out of chickenwire or something. This was 1972, y’all! I think I maybe saw this movie a couple more times as a kid and then never again after that. It exists in my brain as a curiosity that was only brought back to mind because I stumbled across it on YouTube.
I am, and probably always will be, haunted by its ending, where the leader of the gargoyles picks up its injured mate and flies off into the night sky. For some reason it is one of thousands of movie images stuck in my brain, long after the movie itself was forgotten.
Gargoyles is available for free on Amazon Prime, Tubi, and Crackle.
The Car (1977)
Even though I was only two years older than my youngest sibling, we all had separate bedtimes. I got to stay up the latest, once my mom figured out I could handle it. So when this aired in Primetime a few times, I asked her if I could stay up to watch it with her (she’d already seen it and it was one of her favorites) she indulged me. I think she allowed it because she knew it wasn’t particularly graphic and she simply wanted to share the experience.
Now, I didn’t ask out of the blue. I had heard her raving to one of her girlfriends about it, and I was curious. To my ten year old mind though, she was right! There are at least a couple of unexpectedly badass moments in this movie that I retained the memory of for decades.
It’s basically about a small town and it’s surrounding roads being menaced by a large black car, and if you can get past the 70s wardrobe and the occasional odd plot point, the moments of terror are pretty effective, including one spectacular moment when the vehicle pursues someone right into their house! After a while you just accept the car as a creature of intent.
I cannot say this is a good film because there are a lot of movies I like for the nostalgia factor, and because as a child I lacked discernment, so I watched anything, and just about all movies were equal. I’m not a person who hates remakes, because I do think there are some movies that need to be remade in order to be updated, and the closest parallel to this is Christine, which came some ten years later. The Car is available for rent on Vudu, and Amazon Prime, although, even though it’s not a terrible film, I don’t know why anyone would pay to watch it.
Bugsey Malone (1976)
This movie is one of the primary reasons why I consider the 70s to be the Wild Wild West of filmmaking, because there was some human being in a position of authority in Britain (actually several people signed off on this) had the bright concept of making this movie about famous 1930s gangsters using a cast of children, I shit you NOT!!! This movie was also a MUSICAL! And for whatever reason, this film has been COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FORGOTTEN!!
This film starred a who’s who of British child actors of the 70s, and also included Jodi Foster as Tallulah, a gun moll, and Scott Baio as Bugsey Malone. Don’t worry, the movie was a parody of the gangster film, where the guns used whipped cream instead of bullets. I saw this movie exactly one damn time when I was a kid (I don’t know how or where) and it completely escaped my memory until I stumbled across it while researching 1970s musicals on YouTube.
Anyway, this movie is currently streaming on Amazon Prime Video. I watched the trailer and the production values are absolutely gorgeous for a children’s film. I’m looking forward to revisiting it after which I’ll get back to you.
Yes. I realize that this is the only movie on this list that’s not a Horror movie but I had nowhere else to put this because it truly is a forgotten film.
Wes Craven’s Chiller (1985)
This happens to be one of Wes Craven’s least remembered films, a made for television movie that aired on the CBS network in 1985. I remember being interested in this because I’d become a big fan of Michael Beck, after seeing him as Swan in The Warriors. I will unashamedly admit that once again my attraction to luxurious windblown hair played a role in my infatuation. In my little teenaged brain Swan was one of the most Epic characters ever (until he was replaced by the lead vampire, David, from The Lost Boys!) The movie also happens to star Paul Sorvino as a Priest. Sorvino made this movie just before he became famous in Goodfellas, so I’m glad that this film didn’t hold back his career.
The movie I have to admit is merely so-so. Its not awful. I mean, I did watch it all the way to the end and it does have its moments, but it didn’t age very well, and some of the dialogue and acting needs help. Basically, the movie could best be served by a remake, but that is not likely to ever happen since this film has been largely forgotten. Michael Beck stars as the titular Chiller, I guess, named Miles. His mother had him flash frozen when he died (from I don’t remember what), but when his cryogenic tube malfunctions, the doctors at the facility in which he was kept try a new technique to revive him, that didn’t exist at the time of his death.
Now Miles doesn’t immediately go on a killing spree. Since this is television the writers have to be a bit more subtle, so its not entirely clear at first that Miles was simply revived without a soul, which is an idea that genuinely scared me when I was 15. He pretty much just acts like your typically soul-less business man, which doesn’t help matters, because how do you tell the difference between that and a supernatural form of psychopathy? There’s also some added “girl in danger” plot with the teenage step-daughter of his mother (who refuses to believe that her son is a killer no matter how many clues drop in her lap) and Miles behaving in a sexually menacing manner. It’s not explicit but you definitely know what’s going on.
Anyway, there’s a reason why this movie was forgotten even though its not strictly speaking a “bad” film. Like I said, it would work if it were updated with a better budget. This movie is available for free on Youtube.
Actually, this list isnt out of my wheelhouse or anything. I read weird books just as a matter of course. Most of the time nothing I enjoy ever gets seen on a best of list, unless it’s written by Stephen King, and while regular bookreaders might think his books are pretty strange, they’re not especially weird to me.
I know that some people might not consider them weird but I tried not to fill up this entire list with books on Jewish Horror and Fantasy. I don’t know why I consider those types of books weird. Probably because Jewish protagonists are kind of rare, although not rare in Jewish culture apparently. I had no idea there was a large enough market of Jewish people reading Horror novels for there to be books specifically dedicated to the subject. I just finished reading The Jewish Book of Horror by Josh Schlossberg a few months ago, and that was pretty good. And, as it turns out, Jeff Vandermeer’s wife, Ann Vandermeer, is Jewish and occasionally writes about the topic, but I tried not to fill up this list with their books either.
I don’t personally know any Jewish people, so I have no idea how they feel about these types of stories, so if you’re Jewish and got an opinion, hit me up in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.
I love weird books though, and the weirder the better. I hope this list inspires some of you to check these out. Here, in no particular order are the ten weirdest books I’ve ever read.
Rosehead – Robert Jeschonek
This was the first time I’d ever read one of Jeschonek’s books. I stumbled across this by accident while browsing on Amazon. The reason why this book made the list and not any of Chuck Tingle’s books is because while I have seen Tingle’s books on Amazon, and he sort of writes books in the same humor/half serious Fantasy genre, I haven’t actually read any of Tingle’s books!
Its a hardboiled, Dashiell Hammett style novella where all the characters have flowers for heads. The lead character, a cop with a rose for a head, has to stop a serial killer named The Pruner who is cutting off people’s heads, and he gets involved in some “seedy” underworld shenanigans as a result.
There is a difference between the two, in that Tingle’s books are very specifically written as jokes (although he takes his craft very seriously) and I had the impression that Jeschonek isnt necessarily trying to be funny, and is just playing around with strange ideas. This book wasn’t written in an especially jokey manner, as far as I can tell. Only the premise is funny, while the characters and events are taken seriously and the world building is well thought out, like how some of the characters have flower heads with human bodies and some have human heads with flower bodies, and how these groups interact, communicate, and move around.
To date, while this isn’t the weirdest book I’ve ever read, it’s definitely up there, and I haven’t encountered anything quite like it since.
John Dies At the End – Series by David Wong
The picture above is from the movie based on this book, specifically the scene where John and his friends encounter a monster made out of various meats. In the story ,a couple of college dropouts have to try to save humanity from a bunch of Elder Gods that are being brought into this dimension through the use of a special recreational drug, called Soy Sauce, that allows people to travel across time and space, and see things that regular people cannot see, like various monsters.
This is a comedy, but also considered a weird book because the characters are a not too bright pair of self styled Paranormal investigators, it’s written in the first person by the self insert author, David Wong, who is not the most reliable narrator, as a result, any of the events in the book could just be him lying, delusional, or just high, and the events described in the book are, simply put, crazy, like the meat monster in the above photo.
I have not watched the movie, so I don’t know how closely it hews to the book, but there is now an entire series about the dimension hopping exploits of Dave and John, which are, if that is even possible, even crazier, titled in order, This Book Is Full Of Spiders, which is my personal favorite and also pretty damned weird, What The Hell Did I Just Read, and the latest one, If This Book Exists, You’re In The Wrong Universe, which I bought but haven’t finished reading yet.
Merkabah Rider – Edward Erdelac
This is one of those books where, since I encountered it for the first time, I just think it’s strange. It’s the genre called Weird Western, meaning it’s in a Western setting (the American West of the 18th and 19th century) with extra stuff added, like robots, zombies, or magic ,and sometimes all three. There are a lot of books that fall into this category and most of them have been written by Joe. R. Lansdale who is one of my favorite writers. I will probably have to do a post on Weird Westerns you should read, since that’s the wavelength I’m on this Summer.
This is another favorite writer of mine. I have no idea if he’s Jewish, but the hero of these books is a Hasidic Jewish Spellcaster who uses Kabbalah to destroy the many demons (and their worshipers) he encounters, and save any Jewish people, throughout the western territories in 1881. There are four books in the series, with each book containing about four or five novellas, with titles based on old Western films, High Plains Drifter, The Mensch With No Name, Have Glyphs Will Travel, and Once Upon A Time in the Weird West.
As you can see, the titles are a bit tongue in cheek, but the writer approaches his craft seriously, and the stories are mostly horror, and played straight.
HebrewPunk – Lavie Tidhar
See, if I wasn’t careful every book on this list would just be those written by Lavie Tidhar who has a knack for writing strange images into all of his stories, no matter how benign you think the subject may be, from WW2 historical pastiches, to superheroes, to SciFi, and this Fantasy anthology, which is a bit of a mashup of all of these. Lavie, as you can probably guess, is Jewish, and a very well respected author in SFF literature.
HebrewPunk is a collection of Fantasy stories featuring a Rabbi, a rat, and someone called a Tzaddick, which is, from what I understand about it, something like a Jewish paladin, a person of high moral character who is obligated to help right the wrongs of the world. It’s written in a hardboiled, 40s mystery style, and involves the three main characters having adventures in alternate worlds, London, and World War 2. You do not need to know anything about any of the various Jewish cultures or folklore to enjoy these books, since Tidhar explains just enough of that for Gentiles to be able to follow along.
I knew nothing about Jewish folklore when I started reading it, and since I love a well written Fantasy, this was a fun learning experience for me.
Anything Ever Written by China Mieville
I don’t even know how to talk about Mieville. Everything that Mielville has ever written is the weirdest thing I’ve ever read. The very first story of his that I encountered, waaaay back in the mid 90s, was King Rat, about a young man whose life falls apart after he discovers that he has rat powers, and he goes to war with his uncle, who apparently, is King of the Rats! The story was kind of disgusting but also a lot of fun. Then there are his books set in the bizarre fictional dystopia of New Crobuzon, called Perdido Street Station, The Scar, and the Iron Council, peopled with strange cults, insect headed lovers, aliens, mutants, magical entities. and any combination of those.
He has written a bunch of weird cities books among which are The City and The City, about two cities where all the citizens live parallel lives to one another but can’t see or interact with the others except under special circumstances, and a YA book titled Un Lun Dun, about a chosen girl who turns out not to be, having Alice in Wonderland style adventures in a bizarre mirror universe version of London.
But my two favorite books are Railsea, which takes place in a world overrun with train tracks and people hunting underground creatures as if the trains were sailing vessels, and another nautical book, Kraken, about a museum worker who gets caught up in a lot of elder Gods cultic nonsense, after the body of a giant squid gets stolen from his museum. Kraken feels faintly silly and tongue in cheek, and has a very Neil Gaiman-ish feel to it, sort of like Gaiman’s novel, Neverhwere, which also covers absurd circumstances happening to some hapless British fellow.
As you can see, I’m somewhat partial to stories about bizarre, alternate universe versions, of the city of London.
Punktown by Jeffrey Thomas
No, this isnt an alternate version of London, Its even stranger as it contains aliens, mutants, and multiverse gods and creatures all living in a semi-underground city, which is kind of like New York! One of Thomas’s favorite characters is a Detective named Jeremy Stake who fought in some kind of alien war, and came back changed. He can model his face to look like anyone except his old self. Jeremy Stake ahs a couple of standalone novels of his own, titled Blue War, and Deadstock, which I really enjoyed.
There is a lot going on in these Punktown books, of which there are several, and most of these things are unrelated to the things in the other books. Most of them are like slice-of-life-stories for aliens, and some are vaguely frightening, but easily followed. Although the names of the races and characters seem strange, Thomas doesn’t get too bogged down in made-up vocabulary, and all of these books have very Lovecraftian feel, without feeling like he was riffing off Lovecraft, which I like.
Fort Freak – Wild Cards Series by G. R. R Martin
I really liked this book because it reminded me of one of my favorite comic books, titled Top Ten, about a police precinct full of weird characters an superheroes.
This nearly twenty book series, (Wild Cards) which has been around since the late 80s, is set in a world where some type of global alien infection happened during WW2, and it has given most of humanity either superpowers (Aces), horrible mutations (Jokers) , minor powers that are not significant (Deuces), or death. There are several different iterations of the series, (usually in the form of a trilogy) set in different time periods and locales, like a gameshow for superheroes, modern day Russia, or time traveling to mid-20th century Mississippi.
This trilogy, beginning with Fort Freak, is set in a police precinct in New York, and it was a lot of fun reading about the different cops with super abilities (Aces) or just odd quirks (Deuces) patrolling the streets or trying to solve various supervillain crimes, alongside regular human beings, who just take it all in stride. The books take themselves pretty seriously, and since its a shared world series, the stories are written by various authors, each of which have their own style.
Finch by Jeffrey Vandermeer
Here is yet another book written about a bizarre city set in something called the Ambergris universe. This one involves mushroom people, called Graycaps, and their fungi technology, slowly taking over the city, and the Detective, named Finch, who has the thankless job of hunting a serial killer of Graycaps and humans through the city’s moist underground dwellings.
Clickers by J F Gonzalez
There is an entire series of these ridiculously over the top Marine Splatterpunk books written with one of my favorite Horror writers, Brian Keene. The books start out pulpy enough with giant crabs attacking America’s beaches because they’re being driven to land by one of the Old Gods of the deep, and over the course of 5 books things get even wilder and stranger, with the addition of more Old Gods, an insane President, the military, Lovecraftian fish people, and yes, zombies!
J F Gonzalez passed away in 2014 and wrote dozens of books, but Clickers is the series for which he is most famously known, culminating in the tribute book above, written by authors across the Horror genre. Unfortunately, I have not read it yet, as it is only in Paperback.
FantasticLand by Mike Brockover
Okay, when I picked up this book, or rather chose it on NetGally, I expected it to be funny. At least that’s sort of how it was described in the blurbs I read.
This book is not funny at all.
But what I got was still pretty damn good. It’s abut a bunch of college age people who get trapped in an amusement park when a hurricane hits. The countryside around them gets pretty trashed, and there’s no communication with the outside world, making it impossible for the authorities to rescue them, and over the course of several weeks the survivors descend into warring tribes and cannibalism, after one of the male survivors sexually assaults one of the women. It’s like a men vs. women Lord of the Flies at Disneyland, and a somewhat harrowing book to read, even though it’s written as a series of interviews, letters and various lawsuits from the investigators and survivors. I had just come off of reading World War Z, so that kind of book was right up my alley.
You should only read this one if you like gore and can stomach a great deal of recounted violence.
Honorable Mention:
Motherfucking Sharks by Brian Allen Carr – I have not yet read this book, but I had the impression it was like a prose version of Sharknado. I don’t particularly care for those movies, but I would be willing to read about that kind of plot, so go figure! 👀
House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski – This book was mostly frustrating to me, although I can see its appeal for some people. I definitely learned about the types of Horror I find horrific while reading this book, and this isnt it. While scary for some people, (in an existential kind of way), this book was not particularly scary for me, and I also do not like to constantly juggle a book around in my hands in an attempt to read the chapters.
Doctor Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke – At the time this was released, I was not used to reading books where the footnotes were so long and numerous that made it seem like I was reading another book alongside the primary book, and its impossible to skip the footnotes because they provide a deeper understanding and backstory of the characters and plot as you go along, and for a nerd like me, they’re just as fascinating as the story.
Okay, maybe I knew a little bit about them…mostly from looking at the trailers. I’m not saying I plan to watch these movies because at least a couple of them have already established themselves as annoying. I’m only truly enthusiastic about one of them, and the creator is being kinda secretive about it.
Fortunately, most of these are on Netflix, I guess? Either way, the announcement and dropping of these trailers were a surprise to me.
The Last Airbender
I know people are deeply excited for this live action remake. I know as much about it as other people told me. I haven’t read the books, or watched the animated show except in little snippets on YouTube. I refused to watch the live-action movie that came out a few years ago, for reasons. I have a general idea of character names and faces. Is that knowing a lot? I don’t know. Its knowing enough to be able to find my way around while watching it.
One Piece
Okay, for real, I don’t actually know anything about this other than it’s another live action version of a Manga I never read. It looks funny and weird, so I might watch it. I have no intention of reading the books before I watch this because I haven’t read any of the other books of the live action Mangas Netflix is forever making. Why start now?
This movie, and The Last Airbender, are both airing on Netflix.
Kraven: The Hunter
This is the movie trailer I’m finding the most annoying because it just looks annoying, and its also giving me some Morbius vibes. I don’t know anything about this character outside of his appearances in some of the Spiderman comic books, like The Sinister Six, and his new updated appearance in The Ultimate Avengers books. I wasn’t looking for this, or asking for this, but I guess since they made the Venom movies Sony is just gonna keep making these villain origin films.
I think I’m going to wait until this is on some streaming service next year because it’s getting released in October when I’m sure I’ll be watching something else. I still may not watch it then because some things I just skip.
Rebel Moon
This is one of the few Netflix movies or series or something, that I’m looking forward too, mostly on the strength of the actors, who I really like, and the visuals, which look geeky and awesome. It’s got a Halo/Firefly vibe to it. I’m one of the few women who doesn’t seem to hate Zack Snyder, so I’m looking forward to his latest work.
Bird Box: Barcelona
I didn’t watch the first Bird Box movie, or read the book. I know about this because I watched a review of the first movie , and the book kept being shoved in my face, at the time it was released, whenever I got online. It was something a lot of people were into, but I didn’t watch the movie, and have no particular feelings, good or bad about it. I will probably watch this though.
Cobweb
This is another trailer that surprised me. I didn’t know anything about this movie being released and it’s from the creator of the movie Barbarian, a movie I really enjoyed (it’s deep y’all!), so I might check this out when it finally streams.
Foundation
This is a series which airs on AppleTV, a network, I don’t have on my list of streaming services. I understand that this series is based on the books of Isaac Asimov, and while I have read some of his books, I skipped the Foundation series which, from what I understand, is critically acclaimed in Sci-fi fandom. This makes the list because I know absolutely nothing about this series other than what I just told you. I deliberately skipped the books, and I have not watched the first season, but this season looks intriguing enough for me to check it out.
Or maybe I’m just in the type of mindset where I’m in the mood for this type of show which heavily reminds me of Dune!
Poor Things
Okay, I am looking forward to this one since it just looks f*cking weird, and its from the creators of The Lobster and The Favorite, two movies I greatly enjoyed (although saying “I enjoyed” The Lobster is a stretch, it was still a good movie). This also stars some of my favorite actors, Mark Ruffalo, Willem Defoe, and Emma Stone, someone who has really grown on me in the last few years.
Is it just me or are most of today’s actresses just far more interesting and talented than in the past? There have always been talented actresses but there were usually only two or three per decade. Or is it that actresses are really getting a lot better opportunities to show their skills and therefore I end up liking them more?
I’ve loved monster movies ever since I was a kid and even today, Creature Features are always my favorite type of Horror. I used to watch monster movies every Saturday afternoon on a TV show called Super Host, a daytime movie show with a host who had a superhero gimmick, who would talk about or mock the movie being presented, kinda like Elvira. The very first monsters I was introduced to though were Ray Harryhausen’s stop motion creatures.
For a lot of people my age, their first stop motion film was the 1933 King Kong, but I was disinterested in watching that and I wasn’t allowed to watch the 70s version of King Kong, since my mother objected to it for some reason. Consequently, I didn’t see either movie until I was almost an adult, and I preferred the 1933 version. My first monster movies were Harryhausen films though.
Ray Harryhausen was a British American special effects animator during the 50s and 60s. His first movie was Mighty Joe Young in 1949, and he retired after making Clash of the Titans in the 80s. He has had a profound affect on the use of stop motion in film. I would in fact call him the father of the technique. If you’ve ever watched any kind of stop motion animation, in children’s films like The Nightmare Before Xmas, Action movies like The Terminator, and Horror movies like The Thing, then chances are he had some influence on the creator. He is also probably the reason so much stop motion involves monsters and horror.
Now, not all of these were Horror movies. Some of them were Fantasy and Adventure films, but Harryhausen still managed to create some outstandingly terrifying (at least to a little ten year old girl) monsters. Here in exact order this time (rather than just throwing them up randomly as I usually do) are the ten creatures that most delighted and terrified me as a child.
10. Rhedosaurus – The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms
This was maybe the very first Harryhausen monster I ever watched. I was reminded of having seen this movie while watching Jurassic Park The Lost World. This movie, Godzilla, and other kaiju films set up my lifelong fascination with movies about giant (sometimes previously extinct) creatures visiting the modern world and tearing up cities. When I was a kid I used to imagine how incredible and horrible that would be, and this was one of the first movies I ever saw that seemed to capture that feeling of awe and terror.
9. Gwanji – The Valley of the Gwanji
This was the second movie to create that same feeling of awe and dread. I remember the first time I sat down to watch this movie as a child. I’d seen the trailer for it on that same afternoon movie show and I remember talking to my Mom about it, and I remember her saying I would enjoy it because cowboys and dinosaurs was a pretty novel concept. This movie was a lot more fun than frightening though.
I think you’re beginning to notice a bit more of a pattern in the types of creatures (and plots) that I found enjoyable, yes?
8. The Kraken – Clash of the Titans
I remember when this aired on TV for the first time because it was a really big deal. I kept seeing trailers for it for weeks and I remember being really excited to watch it because I was huge fan of Greek mythology (What? 👀What teen does not read Greek mythology?)
Anyway, I loved the movie, but the Kraken wasn’t the most frightening thing in it. I think by the time this monster showed up I was too exhausted to be scared and was just glad the hero accomplished his goal because I remember cheering at that moment.
7. The Cyclops – The 7th Voyage of Sinbad
I was inspired to write this post because for reasons known only to god, the devil, and Bob, YouTube recommended this particular movie to me. Of all the creatures featured in this movie, I think the Cyclops was the least frightening, nevertheless, he made quite an impression on me. He had feelings, and he reacted to things, and there was a lot of attitude.
I loved all of the various Sinbad movies and would watch any of them whenever they aired.
6. Ymir – 20 Million Miles to Earth
When I was really little I thought this monster was as scary as it was gonna get, and Ymir was pretty frightening. One of the reasons it works as scary is you’re following the monster from its birth, when it’s really tiny, until it grows too big for humans to manage, and it’s beating up other monsters in the town square. Again, Harryhausen managed to animate a lot of personality into this creature, which makes it fun to watch its little gestures and movements.
Okay, all these other monsters (6 -10) are all pretty scary, but these next top five are my absolute favorites, that still today, give me a delicious chill. I will watch these old movies just to revisit these delightfully terrifying fiends, and then go to bed with my lights on!
5. Talos – Jason and the Argonauts
These first five movie might have something to do with my long fascination and terror of inanimate objects that have a life of their own, and for reasons, don’t like people. For that reason, I’ve never liked (but have loved) a lot of killer doll films. I blame movies and monsters like this one.
I remember the first time I watched this movie too, and although I was expecting it, I still wasn’t expecting it, if you know what I mean. Talos turning his head that first time, scared the living bejeebus out of me!
4. Ship Figurehead – The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (1973)
Okay, this one was a monster that genuinely scared me spitless , and I think it was because the set up was so well done. Up to this point, we (and the crew) had been seeing this masthead of and on since the beginning of the film, so when it finally comes to life, it’s completely unexpected and utterly terrifying.
I also wondered what it would be like to have something you thought was familiar, and had pretty much disregarded as not being that important, turn out to be not just something different than you first thought, but actively malevolent.
3. Skeletons – Jason and the Argonauts
These guys are hands down some the scariest but most fun monstrosities that Harryhausen ever made. I used to imagine myself in this situation as a kid. I think I’d probably just run away, because really, how do you fight just bones?
The scary part is yeah, they’re just dead bodies, but the fun part is watching them act so human. They still manage to look mean spirited even though they don’t have facial expressions. Their body language is superbly animated because the way they react during the fight is deeply funny to me and it’s just a fun fight to watch!
2. Kali Statue – 7th Voyage of Sinbad
The Kali is one of my all-time favorite Harryhausen creatures and has been since I first saw her as a child some idle Saturday afternoon. I’d been reading about Indian gods and goddesses off and on for several years before I saw this movie (I was in my World mythology phase), so even though I didn’t care for the green worshippers (wtf?!!) when she started to dance! Wow! Once again this was both expected to happen but unexpected in its execution and I absolutely loved it!
One of the most frightening things about Harryhausen’s creatures is the lack of facial expressions. The attitude of most of them is very Terminator-like, implacable and relentless. I know most of them are activated by magic but that feeling of hostility in the body language is still overwhelming. These creatures do not care about what they’re doing. They are there to do one thing, and one thing only. Kill people!
1. Medusa – Clash of the Titans
There is absolutely no one who could’ve come in at number one on this list other than my girl The Medusa. Harryhausen had a knack for animating female monsters. They were monsters but he never forgot some essential femininity about them that came through in the animating style. There was a kind of grace and poise that his male characters lacked.
And it’s not just the monster that fills you with that overwhelming feeling of dread it’s the lighting, camerawork, and the background. You can see all the bodies of the men she’s frozen, all the ones who came before Perseus to try to defeat her and failed littering her home, all of displaying various states of terror. There’s the firelight, her expressive eyes, the way she turns her head as she hunts her prey. It’s impossible not to look at her even though you know it will kill you.
One of the primary reasons Medusa is number one on this list is she is one of the few monsters that has facial expressions. You can see everything she is thinking and feeling on her face. She is hate filled, determined, and relentless, but you still feel something for her when she dies.
Other Favorite Monsters:
These three didn’t end up on the top ten list but are still favorites of mine.
I don’t normally talk about these subjects on this blog, as it’s usually a place to give people a break from heavy topics by talking about the frivolous things that make me happy. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to post this, since its so personal, but here goes.
Every now and then, I’ll mention something about my personal life, but usually only when it intersects with some piece of popular culture which has emotionally affected me, and The Flash was that bitch! And I was neither expecting nor ready for that.
My mother died in hospice in 2021, just a few days before Thanksgiving, and I am still in the mourning stage, and probably always will be. Her death was somewhat prolonged in that she’d been sick off and on for years with various ailments like kidney disease, respiratory illnesses, cancer. But when her death finally did come, it was relatively quick, happening over the course of about two months. In the movie The Flash Barry’s mother dies suddenly and unexpectedly, his father is blamed and jailed for it, and Barry’s decisions are affected by these two events for the rest of the movie.
Barry finds out he can turn back time, and thinks if he goes back far enough he can save his mother from this sudden and unexplainable death which is the traumatic event that shaped the man he became. At the beginning of the movie, Barry has a conversation with Bruce Wayne about going back in time to save his own parents, and Bruce tells him that traumatic events can make us the person we become, but we can’t let those events define who we are. This distinction is very fine, but there are multiple examples of it in the movie.
One of Barry’s early memories of his mother is her telling him that not every problem has a solution, and this is said later in the film by an alternate version of Bruce Wayne, who also tells Barry he can’t always save everyone. This is illustrated multiple times in the movie with Barry not being able to save an endangered child’s father or not being able to save any of the people he has come to care for by the end of the film, but at the beginning of the movie, Barry is put into a nearly impossible situation in which he successfully saves a roomful of infants, a therapy dog, and a nurse from a falling building, so riding high off that success, he believes that his mother’s death is something he can actually prevent as well, so he travels to the past to do so. He is successful at saving his mother but ends up creating a universe that only ever ends in disaster for everyone because he never existed as The Flash in that place, and this was a universe in which Earth was slated for destruction because the Justice League that existed in the Zack Snyder universe didn’t exist either. Superman never existed in it and General Zod, (the villain from the Man of Steel movie), won.
Because Barry’s alternate self in that universe avoided the trauma of his mother’s death and his father’s imprisonment, and as a result he is a subtly different person than this universe’s Barry, being silly, immature , and irresponsible. The latter part of the film is that universe’s version of Barry destroying his mind and body when he finds out that his Earth, and hence his family and friends, are all slated to die, and he simply refuses to accept that knowledge. He keeps traveling back in time for years in a desperate attempt to save what cannot be saved. At one point, Barry tells his alternate self that he must let it go, and in that moment he truly recognizes himself, and the steps he has to take to fix the situation.
He has to let his mother stay dead. He has to let her go. He has to undo the events he set in motion which means that even though he knows he can save her, he shouldn’t, because all that does is result in the deaths of everyone else he interacted with in the attempt, Batman, Superman’s cousin Kara, his mother and father , and finally, his alternate self.
I recognized myself in Barry’s story. In the last few weeks of my mother’s life I was an emotional wreck who refused to accept that she was dying. I pleaded and bargained with the universe just like Barry did in the movie. Give me just a few more years. Give me five. Give me two more. Hell, just one more year of living with her, and I’ll be ready to let her go (which is a lie, because no matter how much time I was allotted, it would never have been enough). I didn’t want to acknowledge it was happening and kept clinging to the delusional hope that she was going to come home.
Like Barry, I kept making the decisions that I thought could save her.
She was never going to come back home.
You cannot save everybody.
Like Barry, I was riding high off of my success. I’d spent the past twenty years as her primary caregiver, which meant making sure she took her meds, taking her to all her appointments, and towards the end when she couldn’t get out of bed without help, I exhausted myself, used up all my vacation and sick time from work, and took time off from work altogether to feed, bathe, clothe, and care for her full time. I wasn’t alone. I did have help, but it wasn’t until all that was over that I realized how incredibly traumatized I was by what I had put myself through. I’m not gonna lie. I did it to myself because I could have asked for more help sooner, and at least some of that trauma could have been avoided. But I thought, as her eldest child, I was the one who had to do it. I thought it was my responsibility.
When she was finally in the hospital and the doctors were doing everything they could think of to save her, I had to make some seriously difficult decisions (that I’m still not okay with having made) in my attempt to keep her alive. Now, I realize those were the correct decisions to make, but in the weeks and months after her death, I questioned all of that because I tried so hard and in the end I thought I failed.
But here’s the thing – I was supposed to fail.
The message in this movie hit me really hard because I identified with Barry, just like I was supposed to do.
I did eventually make the right decisions because I wasn’t supposed to save her. I was supposed to let her decide.
It was time for her to go, she was ready to leave, and I just didn’t want to accept that. I didn’t want to let her go and kept holding on to her.
Not every problem has a solution, and not everyone can be saved.
Sometimes you have to let go.
I’m not unique. Everyone on Earth who has someone they dearly love has probably gone through this is, or is going to at some point, and this is something each individual person must experience on their own.
Notes:
This is a deeply personal movie for me, as all good stories are personal. Because of the circumstances of my life, being black, a woman, and growing up in poverty, the way I coped with difficulty was by anchoring the events in my life to stories, and those are the surest way to teach me something about myself. If you can craft an effective story, I will probably learn whatever lesson you’re trying to teach me. The use of stories, whether it was horror novels and movies, or soap operas, were my mother’s way of coping with a difficult life, were a comfort to her in her final months, and she passed this coping mechanism (one of several) to me. We all find ways to deal with life’s difficulties and uncertainties. So when I’m going through hard times, sometimes I will view what I’m going through through the lens of storytelling and what are movies but visual stories writ large?
When I was a child, I had a teacher who expressed a concern that I was reading too much in an attempt to escape difficulties. She worried I wasn’t developing proper coping skills. I’ve seen how other people coped with their problems, through drugs, drink, work, denial, and delusion, and quite frankly, reading books is probably one of the better coping mechanisms. Quite frankly, that teacher was wrong. I wasn’t reading just to escape my life. I was reading to have adventures I knew I would never experience, learning how to look at the world and people, critical thinking skills, and how to cope with life’s problems.
One of the reason I don’t engage in ranking movies and stories on this blog from better to worse is not just because my mind doesn’t think that way, (there’s no objective way of saying a story was good or bad). A story can be badly told, or badly executed, or even a premise with which you disagree, but the story itself isn’t better or worse than another story. For me, there’s no such thing as a good or bad story. I need to ask how well was it executed. Was it visualized well? Did it successfully achieve what it was meant to? Did that comedy make me laugh? Did I learn anything important? Do I think about some issue a different way? Did that romance make me feel romantic? Was I horrified? Was I thrilled? Was I not entertained?
The Flash was a great movie for me because it set out to do what I expected it to do and gave me a little something extra on the side. That’s what the best movies do. Give you not just what you expected but surprises you with something you didn’t.
So, I’m sitting in this movie theater, crying over a superhero movie, and trying not to in front of my niece and nephew, because I don’t want to alter their experience of the movie with my tears, and all that because I was finally ready to listen to a message that I’ve heard in countless stories since my mother died, but was unwilling to listen to before that day.
The power of story is such that it cannot be qualified into simply good and bad. There is only what stories personally affect you according to the mindset you brought to it.
The Flash was an excellent movie because of how it felt TO ME!
I know the title says greatest but this is once again, this isn’t actually a “best of” list, but a list of the greatest vampire books I loved and which inspired me…to read more vampire novels! Now once again these are not in order of importance because my brain just doesn’t rank things according to best or worst. There’s just stuff I like and stuff I don’t like. These are straight Horror novels. There are no Paranormal Romance books on this list. Not that I don’t like any of those. I just prefer the monstrous vampires, and there’s more diversity of vampire in those.
As a general rule, I do not read Paranormal Romance because they’re simply not to my tastes, which run pretty dark, and gritty, although that doesn’t mean that at least one or two didn’t make the cut. With any list, there’s always someone who shows up to ask “What about…”, and all I can tell you is if it’s not on my list then I either didn’t read it, or it simply didn’t move me as much as it seemed to move you. I encourage you to make your own list and put it in the comments, but I’m letting you know, if it ain’t dark and ugly I’m probably not gonna read it! Also, as a general rule, I DO NOT accept recommendations from people. I already got more than enough books I’m currently not reading. Do not give me homework! Imma give y’all some instead.
What vampire books would you swap out on this list and have you read any of these? Did you like them or hate them?
Sound off in the comments like you got a pair…of fangs!
Draculaby Bram Stoker
Well, we have to start with the OG, the book that began this entire industry. There were books about vampires that came out before or around the same era as Dracula, like Carmilla (in 1872), and Varney the Vampire (around 1847), but it was Dracula (1897) that created the template we’ve all more or less been following to this day.
Although this isn’t the first vampire novel I read, I have to give props to it because without it I wouldn’t have had so many deliciously terrifying reading experiences throughout my life, and yeah, I definitely prefer the monster vampires to the more romantic ones, (but I’m not gonna completely leave them out).
By combining an actual Eastern European historical figure named Vlad the Impaler (Vlad Tsepesh) to some random vampire mythology (some of which he pulled out of his butt) Stoker set the stage for innumerable tellings and retellings of Dracula and all his derivatives. Movies and series like True Blood, What We Do in the Shadows, that new Renfield movie, Van Helsing, Blade, and Blacula were all directly or indirectly inspired by the existence of the original story, even if only the mythology. For example, it was Stoker who created the idea of the bug-eating day-servant who was promised an eternal life he will never get, a trope that has an entire story industry surrounding it!
The ideas that vampires were animal shapeshifters, controlled certain animals and humans with mental powers, being destroyed by sunlight, or repelled by garlic, crosses, and silver, or the rule that vampires cannot enter a place unless they’ve been specifically invited in, or as in Dracula’s case, you put yourself in danger by accepting an invitation, (a trope that was hilariously spoofed in the movie What We Do In the Shadows), all came out of Bram Stoker’s book. Thanks to this 1897 novel we’ve gotten over 120 years of great vampire content.
Salem’s Lotby Stephen King
Despite my respect for Dracula, that was not the first vampire novel I ever read. Salem’s Lot holds that honor. My Mom was an avid reader, and had a small library of paperbacks in a large cardboard box in her bedroom, which I started riffling through somewhere around the age of nine. In her collection, I discovered 3 Stephen King books, Carrie, The Shining, and Salem’s Lot. The cover for Salem’s Lot was especially mysterious and enticing so that was the one I chose to read. And here it is:
Up to this point, I’d only ever watched old-school movies about Dracula. I’d seen the original 1933 version and watched all the Christopher Lee/Hammer films. I’d even seen Blacula, although I didn’t pay much attention to it because I was very young. I was totally geeking out about this book though, because it was the first time I’d read about vampires and what would happen if they moved into the modern age and it was the one book to which I compared every other vampire novel I’ve read since.
Instead of foggy moors, creepy castles, howling wolves, wild carriage rides, and heaving bosoms in low-cut peasant dresses, in environments where everyone knew of and/or believed in vampires and knew how to fight them, this story took place in the modern era. The victims were modern people, who drove cars, used telephones, and called the police when their neighbors went missing. It still took place in a white, middle-class, small town but the real horror of the story is that the victims were children, grandmothers, and doctors and that these unsuspecting people were being hunted by a creature they not only didn’t know about, but in which they didn’t even believe.
A lot of the first half of the book is set up for the second half and is a bit slow with characters you genuinely start to care about ruminating on the nature of evil. The real horror and tragedy of the novel isn’t really reached until its end, when you realize that an entire town full of people has gone missing and most of the rest of the country, though puzzled, doesn’t bat an eye and that for the foreseeable future, in that particular universe, vampires seem to have a foothold on American soil.
There’s still plenty of atmosphere and most of the gore happens offscreen. In 1979 there was a four-hour made-for-television movie version that my Mom allowed me to stay up late to watch, since it aired past my bedtime, on a school night. There was one other version released in 2004 and starring Rob Lowe, and although it was a satisfactory attempt, it’s just not as good or well remembered as the original. A new 2023 version has been promised from Warner Bros. for the past three years and I don’t know if we will ever get to see it.
The Light at the Endby John Skipp and Craig Spector
This is another book I had to take some time to recover from after I read it. Not because the characters were especially likable (actually, none of the formative vampire books I read as a child were big on characters I really liked or cared about), but the horror of the situation really worked for me and the opening scene of this book definitely caught me up. In it, an Old World vampire (not Dracula but possibly one of his contemporaries) decides to visit the new world, takes a ride on the New York subway, and destroys quite a number of lives just for fun, but marking one life in particular, that of Rudy Pasko.
Rudy is an unemployed, rudderless, disaffected would-be punk, who just broke up with his girlfriend, and who I kept envisioning as Billy Idol. Rudy wreaks havoc throughout the city in occasionally bumbling attempts to figure out what the rules are of his existence and eventually a group of fed-up do-gooders, one of them a disaffected Messenger employee, and another a Van Helsing-type older man who survived the Jewish death camps, team up to bring him to an end. I too imagine that this is much like what would happen if just one inexperienced vampire got set loose in any major American city.
This book isn’t like the Stephen King version where the focus was on mood and was more philosophical, and somewhat melancholy. This isn’t a straight Horror novel but a subtype of horror called Splatterpunk, where the focus is on body horror rather than atmosphere. It was the first such book I’d ever read and I’ve been a huge fan of Jon Skipp and Splatterpunk ever since. This novel is a lot more of an edgy, in-your-face, thrill ride which may not be to everyone’s taste, as it is also a very late 80s/early 90s style of storytelling. Most of the characters have relatively deep thoughts, although everyone in the book speaks in a fast patter of jokes and one-liners that I didn’t find particularly funny.
The difference between this book and Salem’s Lot is like the difference between Salem’s Lot and the Hammer films.
13 Bulletsby David Wellington
13 Bullets is the first in a series of five other books titled, in order: 99 Coffins, Vampire Zero, 23 Coffins, and 32 Fangs. David Wellington, a writer I was already familiar with because he’d tackled zombies before writing this series wrote the initial story and offered it for free at his website which is where I first found it.
This book is a little hard to describe without spoilers because these vampires are different from most of the other books on this list. In this world, everyone is aware that vampires exist and that most of them have been wiped out, except for a single female vampire, Malva, that the government has kept on ice because she is so incredibly hard to kill. She is forever scheming to create lesser versions of herself (these vampires can be killed more easily), so must be kept under constant surveillance, which is where our two cops come in. Laura Caxton must go toe to toe with this vampire if she expects to survive, but her partner, Arkeley, the man who helped destroy most of the vampires, withholds information from her so he can’t be trusted.
Once again, the focus is more on atmosphere rather than thrills, (although there is plenty of that by the end) with a little bit of body horror thrown in just to keep the audience’s attention. This one contains elements of Salem’s Lot and Light at the End in that there is definitely an air of melancholy, but it’s also incredibly dark and gritty, with a little bit of police procedural added. Some of the events are hard to understand because the vampires in this book are a little different than the ones from the previous books, which are more traditionally styled vampires. These are not your grandpa’s vamps, although they can stil lbe killed in the traditional manner.
David Wellington has created a terrifying series for each of the classic monsters of yore, vampires, werewolves, and his first series, zombies.
Already Deadby Charlie Huston
This is part of the Joe Pitt Casebooks series, which makes it sound like its more of a detective novel than it is, and yeah, there is definitely some detecting happening in the book, but for me, the focus was more on environment and character, rather than the mystery being presented. It’s a fascinating world where vampirism is like a regulated disease, and the vampires are fully in power, although still largely hidden from the mainstream public. The lead character, Joe Pitt, is a vampire who is poor and always wondering how to get his next meal, so he works as a kind of cop/enforcer for other vampires. The vampires are set up like gangs or the mafia, with factions that control different territories in New York City. The most interesting faction for me was a religious cult of vampires who have superpowers by living an ascetic lifestyle that requires them to starve themselves. They’re a very tiny group but hold on to their territory bercause they’re so powerful that absolutely nobody fucks with them.
Already Dead was one of the first Private Eye-type vampire novels I ever read, (along with PN Elrod’s series) and the first time I discovered the work of Charlie Huston, who is known for writing gritty, noir mysteries with gangs of competing criminals, with a splash of Maltese Falcon/Dashiell Hammet thrown in. Now take all that and make all the characters modern world vampires who live in an alternate version of New York City, (and no, the writer does not ignore New York’s diversity) and you have the basic structure of the Already Dead series, and I have to admit, this was all kinds of fun, while still being very dark and melancholy.
The Sonja Blue Series– Sunglasses After Dark by Nancy A. Collins
Sonja blue is famously known as the original Punk vampire. Now, to show you how much love I have for this series, and character, I originally listed The Vampire Lestat in this spot. I moved that book to the Honorable Mention category because I had to talk about Sonja, who is the most bad ass vampire slayer to ever slay. She was there before Buffy, is badder than Van helsing, and established her modern street cred long before Blade (although Blade is older than her. )
Sonja Blue was a lot like Blade, in that she was a kind of half vampire, only her status was born out of extreme trauma rahter than birth. She was sexually assaulted and turned (but not killed) by a powerful vampire that she then spends the rest of her life hunting. This trauma also caused a mental break where one of her personalities was more or less human (since she never died), but the vampire side of her nature (which she called The Other) was everything negative in her personality, being greedy, power hungry, ruthless, manipulative, and horrifically violent. Because she was a living vampire, Sonja was also a Day Walker who used her silver switchblade to do a helluva lot of killing of any other vampires she encountered. Not only was her vampire half more violent but had the ability to affect the emotions of any human beings in her radius, overwhelming them with feeligns of dread, terror, and fawning weakness. Humans who had been subjected to too much of that became addicted to the effect and became what Sonja referred to as Renfields, humans who were compelled to serve whatever vampire they had the addiction to.
The first three books are available in an omnibus edition of Sunglasses After Dark, In the Blood, and Paint It Black, and chronicles her hunt for the vampire that turned her, while she having several global adventures involving Old World cults, Evangelical Christians, and a ghost trap house. She saves a human man from a deadly cult, falls in love with him, and they adopt a child. The fourth book, A Dozen Black Roses, is one of my personal favorites, and is a mashup of the Sonja Blue universe with the RPG Vampire the Masquerade Universe, where Sonja stars as The Vampire With No Name who interrupts a war between two factions of vampires in a small town. The fifth book, The Darkest Heart, are about Sonja’s fights with demons, and another vampire hunter, and the last A Dozen Roses for a Blue Lady is a collection of short stories of Sonja’s encounters with other types of monsters, including a run-in with The Crow!
Although the original books are over thirty years old they still manage to stand up well in the horror department and I think its probably time for me to do a re-read!
30 Days of Nightby Steve Niles
Thirty Days of Night is one of those books that every vampire fan wishes they had written. It is the ultimate modern monster vamp book that began an entire franchise of graphic novels, prose novels, and a couple of films because the idea behind it is so much fun. A group of vampires decide to go hunting during the thirty day endless night in Alaska. Their massacre is thwarted by a small-town sheriff named Eben, his wife Stella, and the handful of survivors who have no choice but to fight back. In this particular universe no one knows vampires exist and while there have been disappearances of whole towns before, no one has ever put these two things together, so one of the side-plots is the survivor’s attempts to get the word out to the media what’s happening, and make the existence of vampires public knowledge. (This side plot was eliminated from the film where the focus is on survival horror.)
Thirty Days of Night is such a novel concept that no one has topped it yet, and the most common refrain from other Horror authors is “I wish I’d thought of that because it makes perfect sense!” I have to admit, its a great idea and why no one had come up with the idea of vampires living their best life in geographical areas where the sun never rises. It’s not like they’re gonna get cold or be complaining about their arthritis (although I’d watch a comedy about that.)
Anno Draculaby Kim Newman
I absolutely love this series, which moves through all the events of history to the present day, but is a veritable whose who of vampire lore and personalities across all of literary fiction, and is a near perfect blend of the two. If you are a history buff, and you love vampires than you need to start with the first book, Anno Dracula where every vampire that would have been alive during the Victorian era gets a shout out, including Lestat, Varney, and Carmilla. And Newman, to his credit, doesn’t discount the existence of vampires of color by including a Chinese Jiang-shi, and yeah, Jack the Ripper (or rather Silver Knife) gets a shout out too. Later in the series that same knife gets transferred into the custody of one Sonja Blue!
Kim Newman series asks the question of what would happen, not just if vampires existed in the modern age, but what would’ve happened if Van Helsing had failed and Dracula managed to become the King of England, and how that would affect entire cultures and historical events. In the first book, its up to a disaffected Elder vampire named Genevieve and a Victorian version of James Bond to destroy Dracula and save England before it descends into complete anarchy.
Despite the shout outs and cameos of famous people and vampires, the story does have a plot, and there is a great deal of excellent worldbuilding, with Victorian/Dickensian England over-run with starving vampires as the wealthy all seek to curry favor with the Monarchy by becoming undead, the poor are preyed upon and turned by the unscrupulous, war with the rest of Europe is imminent, and a serial killer is knifing vampires in the East End. All of the cameos are made possible by explaining vampirism through the use of bloodlines. All the vampires have different powers and abilities based on their country of origin, and what vampire made them. For example, Dracula’s bloodline is known for its shapeshifting abilities, while Genevieve, who is from another bloodline, not only doesn’t have such abilities but isnt affected by crucifixes or garlic because she simply doesn’t believe the lore, and ones like the Chinese hopping vampire and Prince Mamuwalde (Blacula) are from entirely different bloodlines that are not even connected to the European ones, so none of those rules apply to them.
This first novel, and most of the subsequent books, are basically Kim Newman’s love letter to vampire literature, and showcases the depth and breadth of his knowledge of folk and film lore. All of the books in the series are Hella fun and full of great little Easter eggs for anyone who loves reading history books, but would also like to know how history would’ve actually been affected if everyone knew about the existence of vampires, and yeah, I need for this to be a movie, or better yet, a TV series, and I really wonder why that hasn’t happened yet.
The Necroscope Series by Brian Lumley
If you like extreme body horror than you cannot get a better example than the Necroscope series, which consists of some 18 inter-related novels and short stories. The writing style took a bit of getting used to because I’m not used to authors who write in such a flowery but somewhat stilted style, so your mileage may vary. The author isnt real great with characters either, most of them are bland, somewhat boilerplate Englishmen. Lumley is very much a product of the 80s, and it would probably be best to stop at the 8th book in the series Blood Wars, since that is the end of the Harry Keogh cycle. You can try the rest and see if you like them, but I didn’t care too much for the books after that.
None of this series is tongue in cheek or jokey. Make no mistake, the vampires in these books are voracious, manipulative, horrifying, highly intelligent, and tenacious monsters, that will take any and every opportunity to survive or infect a human being.
Most of the tropes of the vampire are present in this series. The vampires can be destroyed by sunlight, or staked with silver but their origins are unique. They come from an alternate world that was knocked askew through some ancient event that created small wormholes. That world was heavily infected by vampirism after it stopped revolving properly around its sun, creating a permanent night on one side and permanent day on the other called, rather unoriginally called, Sunside/Starside. Vampires from that world were thrown into the open wormholes, as a form of execution, and some of them made their way into this one. The wormholes are mostly closed but what vampires survived were tenacious enough to establish a foothold on this world. The vampires of that world are infected by spores that grow in the swamps on the Starside part of the planet. Any living creature can be infected by the spores which grow into wormlike creatures, which are somewhat telepathic, will adopt the intelligence level of its Host, and eventually take full control. The ability to infect any living thing also gave rise to other monsters of folklore like werewolves (basically wolves infected with vampirism.)
The Necroscope is a man capable of Deadspeak, talking to the dead. In this universe, there doesn’t seem to exist a Heaven or Hell. The dead lie in the Earth and talk to each other, and are capable of that because the Necroscope, Harry Keogh, befriends them and inspires them to do so. Here, the dead mostly treat Harry as if they were loving aunts and uncles, which is kinda wholesome but still creepy. Later, his ability to speak to the dead imbues him with the ability to teleport to anywhere on Earth, and eventually walk between worlds. He uses his powers on behalf of the British government, to try to destroy the vampire contagion on Earth, and eventually takes the fight back to their homeworld , and you haven’t truly read monster fiction until you’ve visited Sunside/Starside. The sheer level of body horror inventiveness of the author reaches its pinnacle in the third book in the series titled The Source. It’s not easy to both scare the absolute shit out of me and gross me out at the same time, but Lumley manages it.
I read these books nearly two decades ago and I’m still geeking out about them. If you like the body horror of movies like The Thing, Resident Evil, and The Fly, combined with vampirism then you need to check out this series.
Vampires by John Steakley
I had to give a shout out to this novel since it is one of my all-time favorite vampire books. No, I didn’t like the James Carpenter movie which is based on this book because I hate James Woods and that sniveling human sneer was not who I pictured as the lead character from this book. Actually, its better if you simply watch the movie first because the book is better written and a little bit deeper. Or, better yet, skip the movie altogether.
It’s still the same basic plot where a team of vampire hunters work for the Catholic Church but that’s where the resemblance sort of ends. The lead characters, Crowe, Cherry Cat, (and several others not seen in the movie) are so much more than what was depicted in the film. The vampires are mysterious and terrifying (although still traditional), and the book is occasionally funny with some knife-sharp moments of melancholy. I’d really never read anything like it up to or since, and I was not ready. It’s the only book on this list that utterly thrilled me, horrified me, and still made me cry. The movie did none of that, with its bland characters and macho one-liners ,it is a very much a movie made by someone who thought it should be an 80s action flick, and the book is not that thing.
Much of the book is taken up with backstories of the characters, Felix the Gunman, (who I loved and hated equally), who is a highly gifted but reluctant warrior, and his love interest, whose name entirely escapes me since I haven’t re-read this book in a very long time. I would also have to search for the physical copy since this story is only available in Audiobook form! The other characters, Crow, Cherry Cat, Father Adam, Carl and Annabelle are all great, understandable, and sympathetic characters who genuinely care about each other.
There’s not a lot of vampire lore in the book, and humans, although peripherally aware of the existence of vampires, don’t know much about them. A lot of the team’s efforts and weaponry are smart and novel since the vampires are so strong and fast it’s impossible for a human to go toe-to-toe with them, but sometimes it’s trial and error, resulting in a lot of people getting killed, but then so do a lot of vampires, and an air of melancholy hangs over the book from the first chapter onward.
I love this book and not just because of the gore. I liked the writing style, which reads like you’re having a conversation with the author, but I really enjoyed the characters most of all. I generally like James Carpenter, but I hated the movie based on this book and I wish, I hope, there is a remake someday, especially considering the relative success of 30 Days of Night.
Honorable Mentions:
I had to throw these books on this list because I had a lot of fun when I first read them. They didn’t make the cut for the top ten because they’re already too much like the Charlie Huston series involving modern-day vampires and detectives and competing factions of supernatural creatures. Also, as much as I enjoyed these, the Huston books stood out as being better written and a little deeper. These are more fluffy and a bit more on the fun side.
They Thirst by Robert R McCammon – a worthy successor to Salem’s Lot, in which vampires take over the city of LA.
The Vampire Lestatby Anne Rice – the book which laid the template for hundreds of thousands of paranormal romance novels, and still (as far as I’m concerned) has never been bettered by a single one of them.
The Vampire Tapestry by Suzy McKee Charnas – the first time I’ve ever read about a scientific type of vampire. The mood is chilly and sad.
The St. Germain Chroniclesby Chelsea Quinn Yarbro – if you like history novels and Dracula than this is a worthy (and less gory) predecessor to Anno Dracula. This is an entire series of some 20 or 30 quiet but emotionally affecting books spanning most of European history since the Egyptians. This is the gentlest and most romantic series on this list.
Vegas – Doja Cat – No, I didn’t watch the Elvis movie from which this song was released. I’m not a huge Elvis fan even though I know a lot of his songs. On the other hand, the trailer for the movie was compelling, and I may check it out at a later date. This song just sounded like a lot of fun and is currently on my driver playlist.
Pretty Girl Rock – Keri Hilson – This is an older song I hated when it was released, but for some reason, Youtube felt the need to rec the video of this song a few weeks ago and I really enjoyed it so now this song is on rotation. I thought the video was a lot of fun.
Dance And Shout – Shaggy/Michael Jackson Remix – Both versions of this song are pretty old, but I love the mashup.
Nice For What Remix – Drake /Tupac – I feel like Tupac can be successfully remixed with just about any artist, and I think he probably has!
Meth Lab Zoso Sticker – 7Horse – I think I heard this song in an ad for who knows what, and it just got stuck in my head. I love the beat.
Sailor’s Lament – Audionautix – This is a song I heard in a review of the movie The Banshees of Inisherrin. The movie is deeply melancholy but I liked it. This song is, unfortunately, not in the movie but perfectly fits its mood.
Breathe – Feverkin – There’s a CGI channel on Youtube that sends out challenges for digital visual artists about every six months or so. This is the music from their last challenge which involved some martial arts poses. The goal is for the artists to make their 30-second animation as unique as possible within the parameters set out in the challenge, then the best ones get spliced together in a ten-minute montage. This was the music chosen for this montage and is a deeply relaxing song.
Black Sea by Natasha Blume – This is from the documentary Merpeople airing right now on Netflix.
Books To Be Read
I will watch and read Horror all year round, but this Summer I’m catching up on a special genre that will NEVER appear on anybody’s bestseller list: The SplatterPunk Western. I will probably break that up with the occasional non-fiction, or fantasy book. We’ll see how it goes. Here’s my TBR pile:
The Ghost in Bone by Mike Carey
The Dead Man and Other Horror Stories by Gene Wolfe
13th Koyote/Last of the Ravagers – Splatterpunk Westerns
Honey, I’m Homo by Matt Baume
The Thousand Crimes of Ming Tsu by Tom Lin
Six Guns Straight From Hell: Horror Western Anthology Series
Bleeding Shadows Anthology by Joe R. Lansdale
MovieTheater Playlist
Barbie – This one is just for me and my niece.
The Blackening – I’m going to ask my niece if she would like to go see this in the theater. If not then I’ll just wait until it comes to digital.
The Flash – My nephew and I have already made plans to see this, and surprisingly, my niece has asked to come along. My nephew pretty much sticks to action, sci-fi, and superhero movies, with the occasional anime thrown in, but my niece has some wider-ranging tastes, it seems, with a combination of superhero films, fluffy girl-related movies, and Horror.
They Cloned Tyrone – This is airing on Netflix, stars some of my favorite actors, and I love a good Horror Comedy.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Uh, yeah, this movie is just for me. Anyone is welcome to join me but this movie is mostly for me.
Last Voyage of the Demeter – I won’t take my niece and nephew to see this movie unless they specifically ask to go. My niece does love a good Horror movie (she loved M3gan, and is a huge fan of Stranger Things) so she might ask.
Blue Beetle – This movie is also mostly for me, but my nephew will watch pretty much anything with superheroes in it, so he’s welcome to come along!
And then finally, me and my niece and nephew are gonna end this Fun Movie Summer with me probably going to see The Equalizer 3 all by myself.
On Demand
Ultraman Season Three – I watched the first two seasons of this show because I have fond memories of the original airing on TV on Saturday afternoons as a kid. I was curious about this so I decided to check it out and I kinda liked it. So this is season three airing on Netflix and I think it’s worth a watch. I’m not normally into a whole lot of anime but there is a nostalgia factor involved.
Sakra – This movie starring Donnie Yen is now on demand. I rented it on Amazon for like 4 dollars and it was really worth it. I really enjoyed it although the plot is somewhat convoluted. Its kind of a cross between a superhero movie, a wuxia film, and a little bit of John Wick thrown in for good measure. The action scenes are very satisfying.
Black Mirror Season Six – I more or less enjoyed the other seasons of this show so I’m curious to find out what’s going on in this six-season which is once again airing on Netflix.
Star Trek Strange New Worlds – The first season was a bit hit-and-miss for me but I generally enjoyed it. I definitely loved the characters, which seems to be the strong point of all these latest Star Treks we’ve been getting which is fine with me because it’s the characters that ultimately capture me and keep me coming back for more of a series.
Secret Invasion – I’m of mixed feelings about this series. I don’t watch all the MCU series Disney puts out and I’m not a huge fan of the Secret Invasion storyline from the comic books or the Kree- Skrull War either, so I’m not enthused about this. On the other hand, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Samual L. Jackson in a TV series, so that’s a plus.
Ahsoka – This is a Star Wars series I’m very much looking forward to. I’m a middling Star Wars fan. I’m more into Trek than Wars, but I am an Ahsoka fan, but more importantly, I’m a Rosario Dawson fan, and have been following her career since the 90s. I love to see actors I’m a fan of getting to play Jedis.
What We Do In the Shadows Season Five – This show has done some absolutely crazy stuff, and I love the characters here, almost as much as I love the ones from the original movie. It’s really fun and funny, and I’m eager to see what kind of shenanigans these vampires are going to get up to this Summer.
This weekend I took my niece to go see The Little Mermaid. Up to this point, I had avoided seeing any of the live-action versions of the cartoons Disney made in the 90s, and that was fine with me, but I am a doting Auntie who loves her niece (who probably knows kickboxing) and she wanted desperately to go see this movie. I was ambivalent. I am not a fan of Disney’s live-action remakes and this is the only one I’ve ever watched. I have the Disney + app and I still haven’t watched any of them but my attitude towards this one is kind of mixed.
I still do not like any of the live-action versions of Disney’s animated films of the 90s and I wish they would stop doing them, but at the same time, I realize these movies aren’t made with people like me in mind. They’re made for the newest generation of under-ten-year-olds that Disney is hoping to capture well into their adulthood, and I would say they’ve succeeded. The vast majority of people (namely women) aren’t even thinking about the stuff I’m thinking about during this movie. What they care about is that their little girls are mermaid crazy and will raise holy hell if their parents don’t take them to see this movie!
So generally my attitude is: Yay! for the representation of Black girls as princesses, but still Booo! on live-action Disney remakes.
Overall, I enjoyed the experience. There are things to like about this movie, namely Hallie Bailey’s performance because she was killing it, but honestly, it doesn’t rival the original experience I had of seeing the animated version in the theater, where I bawled my eyes out like a child. The only Disney movies that still regularly make me cry are the Pixar films. I came close with this one but then my thoughts kept being interrupted by “the first movie did this better” and that quickly put a halt to any incipient waterworks.
I did enjoy Hallie Bailey’s performance which is light-hearted, beautiful, charming, and ethereal. I sang my way through a couple of songs, although I was surprised to find my favorite song in this version was Kiss the Girl, which is not my favorite song from the animated version. My favorite song from the animated version was Poor Unfortunate Souls by Ursula the Sea Witch. The movie was very pretty and colorful, and my favorite scene was the Under the Sea number, where I found myself naming various sea creatures and smiling like an idiot, but that has more to do with me loving ocean documentaries than anything Disney is doing. That scene was a lot of fun and rivals the Be Our Guest scene from the animated Beauty and the Beast, and I’m pretty sure that was on purpose! Ursula the Sea Witch is nasty enough, although I thought McCarthy was overdoing it a bit, and some parts of her very well-known song (at least well-known by me anyway) were excised, and I wished they’d kept those parts because Ursula is not known for her support of other women.
But most importantly it was just lighthearted fun for me and my niece and didn’t provoke a lot of anxiety, which is a problem for me when seeing movies in the theater. I have yet to have an anxiety attack in the theater but there’s always the fear in the back of my head that it will happen, so I actually try to choose movies that aren’t too suspenseful or ones where I already know the outcome. There’s not a lot of suspense in this movie since it’s a remake. There were a couple of new songs added, and some songs were removed, like Le Poisson by Rene Aberjenois, whose voice I really missed. Prince Eric gets a song of his own but it was instantly forgettable. On the other hand, he at least gets a backstory and a personality.
I did enjoy all the beautiful mermaids that were featured and I loved all the diversity in the cast. Eric’s mother is the Queen who adopted him as a child, and she is played by a black actress. its clearly a Caribbean-style island, and there are a lot of black and brown people living there, but this is not this world.
According to the book about the film, this world full of mermaids doesn’t map onto this world’s versions of the oceans, with different land masses and different ocean names. This is an entirely fictional world where humans sort of know about and believe in various ocean gods and goddesses, and Ariel’s sisters reflect different but parallel human cultures. There is a dark-skinned Black mermaid who is especially striking ( and who I immediately named Mami Wata, although I don’t think that mythology exists in this universe), and my other favorite was the Indian mermaid. The two blonde mermaids come from cold ocean waters, so some thought was put into the different looks and cultures of the mermaids themselves. There are some subtle changes to the plot and the ending doesn’t resemble the animated one very much, with a completely different outcome. Ariel’s father, King Triton as played by Javier Bardem and is a lot less mean than the animated version of him though. It’s very weird watching him play a merman.
After seeing this movie, I was on a mermaid roll, so to speak, and watched the Mermaids documentary on Netflix, which was very timely. No, I do not ever want to work as a mermaid. It looks tiring, and to be frank, kinda terrifying! It was fascinating to watch though. Several years ago, I read an article in some culture magazine about a woman who wanted to be a professional mermaid, and I think she’s featured in this series, which interviews and follows different people in their quest to do this as a career, one of whom is a Black man who talks about how his family rejected him for being gay. Apparently, the idea of being a mermaid has totally blown up in the last ten years, and there’s now a lot of competition. contests, an entire community, and even award shows! There is a whole industry (and a specific companies) dedicated to making mermaid tails, which can cost anywhere from a hundred dollars on the cheapest end, to five thousand dollars for the really convincing-looking ones that people can swim in!
After all that, I felt I had to clear my head of all the mermaid stuff so the next day I did a complete 180 and watched John Wick 4, which I’ll discuss later, because damn! That movie was doing a lot with very little!
I have absolutely no plans to go see any more live-action Disney films, but I am greatly looking forward to watching the Barbie movie in July, because I really like Barbie, and I am a huge fan of Margot Robbie. This week, my nephew and I will be heading to the theater to watch the latest Spiderman films and I’m a lot more enthusiastic about that than I was The Little Mermaid.
Geeking Out about It 