HOLY CRAP! Was this episode bad!
Now normally, I don’t get negative on this site. We are all about the “squee” here at Chez Geek, hence the name. The closest I get is snarky, but from time to time, giving a bad review is unavoidable, and this week’s episode was awful . I can think of only one moment I truly enjoyed. I think I was cheering at my screen and I’ll get to that point in a moment. But it’s episodes like this one, that make me contemplate, never watching this show again. If there’s another episode like this one, I’m going to give serious thought to pretending it didn’t happen.
So, lets get the least interesting portion of our evening out of the way-Kelly Goodweather’s campaign to turn her son into a vampire, by using some blind child vampires called Feelers. They’re blind, so they could just as easily been called Smellers or Listeners or something, because that’s how it looks like they’re navigating the world. They scuttle around on their hands and knees and they only touch the floor and don’t have whiskers, so I don’t know where the name Feelers comes from. Anyway, Kelly kills one of them and I’m not sure if its because she thought she had one too many, to teach them who is top dog in this pack, or because she thought it was defective. I found their glowing red eyeballs distracting and kept laughing every time they flashed their “disco eyes”.Apart from that, this particular subplot is uninteresting, but I soldiered through it because, according to the books, it will be important later.
Then we get Eichorst, anticipating being the Master’s new vessel, when the old body dies. The Rock musician, from first season, who was among the first of the transformed, puts in an appearance, and it was kind of nice seeing him again. I had wondered what happened to him. He does not appear to be one of the mindless foot soldiers, that’s enslaved to The Master. He seems to have his own thoughts and those thoughts appear to be about taking Eichorst’s place at the Master’s side. I hope he gets to be the new Master. For one thing, he looks way cooler than the current Master as he’s still wearing the black lipstick and manscara, from when he was human. I don’t think that’s what will happen, because of Ms. Ex-Goodweather’s future actions, but I can hope.
Setrakian gets caught in a flashback sequence, involving a younger version of himself, wearing a truly awful fake beard ,that I could not stop staring at (and laughing), meeting Eldridge Palmer for the first time and chasing after Sardu’s cane. No, seriously, he chases the guy who owns the cane through the streets of Prague, Warsaw or wherever and through several hotels.
See, one factor I use, when considering whether or not an episode is any good, is the amount of distracting thoughts I have, while stuff is happening on screen. During the chase, the guy that Setrakian is chasing, knocks over a bellboy who is pushing a huge luggage cart and he falls down and loses the cane, which Setrakian runs over and picks up, while the guy escapes, and all I could think was why doesn’t he help that poor bellboy pick up that massive luggage cart that he helped knock over. I guess this was in lieu of a fruit stand, though, and those fruit stand guys never get help picking up their stuff when it gets knocked over in chase sequences, either.
At one point they run through a grand dining room and I remember yelling encouraging stuff to them like “Okay! Now knock over one of the dining room tables!” And they didn’t do that and I felt deeply disappointed.
I consider that sort of behavior to be positive engagement, but it can also be seen as a sign, that the plot is less than compelling.
A minor or major McGuffin, is the special book that Setrakian is looking for, called The Occido Lumen, that may contain information about how to kill The Master. There are some more flashbacks involving Palmer hiring Setrakian to find the book for him. Later on, in the show, he meets Palmer, who is acting his usual cocky asshole self and Setrakian teases him with the idea that he’s close to finding the book and Palmer looks like he just smelled a fart.
We also get also get some Dutch/ Fet action. Fet has decided to clear the neighborhood of vampires and vamp-proof the buildings, so the two of them break into the local rec center, and take out the vampires there, using silver dust. Being covered in silver dust, obviously demands, that they immediately get naked and go swimming. I lost interest after I got a good, long look at Fet’s naked ass, and wandered away from the TV, so I have no idea if they got it on or not and mostly don’t care. I’m not going to rewatch to find out.
I really like Fet, and his ass muscles were truly impressive, but I really don’t want to watch him make out with mannequin-girl. I keep trying to like Dutch. I want to like her because she’s snarky , and because she broke the internet (HA!) but that’s all she’s got in the personality department. There’s just no there there. At some point, the writers are going to have to kill her, or give her something to do besides being Fet’s lovely assistant. I strongly suspect, though, that Dutch is going to get fridged.
Eph and Nora torture that old couple that they found at the storage lockers and Nora angsts over doing it. At least they did the right thing and informed the couple that they were dying, that they would become vampires and they were going to do experiments on their bodies. Nora was back to her usual whinging behavior and Setrakian had to set her straight about what a good woman she was.
You can tell that Setrakian has no patience with all these young people and their emotional dithering. He is a flatly pragmatic person. Part of it is just being old. I know this because, as I’ve gotten older, I have less and less patience with the emotional wankery of the young , too. Another part of it, is that he’s been through so much pain and grief, that he simply doesn’t understand what Nora is whining about. As he says, he’ss seen people be evil just for fun, so her fibrillations over whether or not she’s evil, don’t register to him as an actual problem.
Really Nora, you’ve got more pressing concerns, like trying to stop a vampire plague from taking over the world.
At the top of the episode, I cheered during a meeting of the mayor and various district heads, who are discussing the ongoing crisis. Once again, no one wants to mention exactly what that crisis is, except for one woman, whose district is being overrun by vampires. She is quick to name what’s happening and asks some serious questions like, “Where are the National Guardsmen everyone keeps saying are out in force, but only really seem to be protecting City Hall? And why are the infected being warehoused, instead of being put-down?” She’s blunt and feisty and can tell that the other officials are trying to bamboozle her. She says if they don’t handle it, the people in her district will. I liked her. I cheered when she walked out, in the middle of the meeting, but I now suspect, she will end up on somebody’s death list.
The most annoying moment in this episode, is when Eph’s son wanders in from wherever he’s been just sitting, sleeping or whatever and, once again, harangues his father about what he’s doing wrong. I guess that’s his purpose now that Nora has given up that game, because really, what does the boy do all day?They’e at Setrakian’s place, so I know hes not playing video games, or talking to his friends on the phone. He wanders in, shits on his Dad, then wanders back out again, after Eph cops an attitude. WTF? I really wanted for Eph to go off on the boy and drop kick his ass into another plot, that only involves him being present on paper.
Here’s me, offering major encouragement to Kelly VampMom, to please hurry up and come eat her child!
The second most annoying moment is when Palmer, still flirting with his real estate agent, whom he has hired to write speeches for him, has decided to create a series of depots, for people having trouble procuring food and other essentials, during the “crisis”. He gives a speech about how NY will come back from “this” and they take care of their own, pablum, which he didn’t write. His actual plan involves taking down the participants personal information in a kind of reverse Vampire Holocaust. I’m pretty sure all these people will be personally visited by the vampires later, in this much more efficient system, which I guess beats running around, breaking into random buildings and eating the inhabitants, which is what they’ve been doing.
I guess Palmer doesn’t feel the Vampocalypse is happening fast enough and needs more assistance.
Palmer is such a smug bastard that he has totally forgotten that he’s actually expendable. He really believes he’s indispensable to The Master and I’ll be glad, when he realizes, just how shafted he’s about to be. Setrakian confronts him after the speech and when Palmer sends his goons after Setrakian to kill him, Fet proves, once again, what a complete and utter badass he is, by blowing up the place, as a distraction for Setrakian’s escape.
Fet really cares about the old man, even though Setrakian tries really hard not to be close to anybody, and its really cute how he worries if Setrakian is eating properly.I have it on good authority that off screen, the two actors are very close friends and you can kind of see that onscreen, even though Setrakian is supposed to be a grump.
So basically, there was no Master. No Special Ops vampires or Gus. All of the elements that make this show worth watching, were missing and I had to spend the evening with the show’s least likable cast members. Most especially Zack, who is almost as horrible an actor, as the little boy who played Baby Vader. We didn’t even get any good vampire action, of random people, being attacked, in their homes and streets. This is one of those insidious apolcaypses, where you see a lot of smoke, and hear sirens everywhere, but there are no people on the streets.. The people from the suburbs are still showing up for class and work, but all the local people are hunkered down in their homes, without any food.
This is one of those episodes that’s basically a bridge to another, better episode. Every series has several per season and I can comfortably erase this one from the DVR. I’m not going t be hankering for a rewatch on this one, unless its to laugh some more at Setrakian’s false beard or hate-watch Zack.