Classic Folklore SCPs

There are some genuinely terrifying SCPs that match closely to the folklore of this universe. Just be glad that for those of us who exist in this world these are just stories. Or are they? I cannot imagine what it’s like to live in a world where all these things actually exist for real. Since most of these are considered t obe myths and stories, perhaps we do live in a universe full of anomalous entities and monsters, and the SCP Foundation, much like the Men in Black, exists to ensure that we either don’t believe in it or don’t know about it!

SCP 993: Bobble the Clown

Clowns are a classic phobia and the SCP has several from which you can choose to be terrified. Bobble is one of the worst ones. Coulrophobia is the intense fear of clowns which can seriously impact one’s behavior and lifestyle. In this case, Bobble (SCP 993-1) affects the lives of children in an entirely different way, providing a very good reason why clowns are not to be trusted. He was the host of a short-lived children’s television show which aired in the late 80s, called Bobble the Clown, which is referred to as SCP 993. The show is classified as Safe because it is well-contained. All airings of the show are blocked from public viewing and any children tasked with watching it (for experimental purposes) are given amnestic drugs.

The show pretends to be an educational cartoon, in which Bobble has adventures alone, as there seem to be no other cast members. Anyone over the age of ten loses consciousness at the start of the program and any children watching it will receive sinister lessons from Bobble about cannibalism, torture, kidnapping, and murder. These lessons get locked into the minds of these children, and repeated viewings can result in madness. Bobble is essentially creating a generation of psychopaths. He is also preternaturally aware of the SCP and what it has done to his show.

In the very first episode, titled Bobble’s Kitchen Surprise, Bobble kidnaps a man, takes him to his home, and proceeds to instruct children in skinning, gutting, and cooking him. In other episodes, children are instructed on how to commit acts of undetectable arson, how to stalk someone without detection, how to inflict pain without causing death, and there’s even an episode set in the containment facility in which the episodes are archived, detailing the daily routines of the researchers and instructing viewers on how to breach containment and murder those workers.

Creepy.

SCP 3456:The Nuckelavee

This SCP is called the Orcadian Horseman, but as soon as I read about it, some long-stored information bubbled up in my brain about this terrifying creature from Scottish folklore. The Nuckelavee is a horselike creature that bears a minor resemblance to a centaur and could be mistaken for such at first glance. Of course, once you get a good look at it, you won’t live to tell anyone about it.

The most gruesome part of the entire thing is that this creature has no skin, and a long list of superpowers that involve toxic breath, the ability to influence events to the negative, make crops wither, and cause drought, and disease in people and animals. In folklore, you can cross running water to avoid being caught and dismembered by one of these creatures but in the SCP version that will not help you. The Orcadian Horseman is part of the deep mythology of the creation of the SCP, created and used as a creature of war by a group of proto-humans called The Daevites.

SCP 4153: Classic Wax Monsters

The Mummy, Frankenstein’s Monster, and Count Dracula are some of the Classic monsters you will encounter in any reputable Wax Museum and in the SCP.

SCP 4153 is an acting troupe of wax figures that resemble the classic Horror monsters of early cinema which believe they are the actors who starred as those monsters: Lon Chaney, Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, and Bela Lugosi. They like to frequent carnivals, haunted houses, corn mazes, and other public venues and set up a theater to perform, using wax for their props and gore, and for changing their appearances. They can also control and create wax effigies from a distance. The SCP has a standing order to apprehend them whenever they’re reported and simply detain them.

For a really good laugh, you should read the Interview Logs between the SCP agents and the monsters! They are hilarious! Except of course for that time when there was a massive containment breach and it was found that all of the personnel at the facility had had their inner organs replaced by wax replicas weeks in advance of the group’s capture.

The troupe remains “uncontained”.

SCP 023: Black Shuck

In Irish Folklore, there is the legendary Black Dog, a forerunner of death. This creature has multiple names and is referred to as Black Shuck, Old Shuck, or Old Shock. It’s a spectral black dog that people believe roams the British countryside. A lot of people think it’s an omen of death, but for some people, the Shuck is a friendly and protective figure. In British folklore, the size and shape of the dog can vary from simply large to the size of a horse, which sounds terrifying enough if you’ve ever seen an Irish Wolfhound, but it is also said to have a single large red eye in the middle of its forehead. Okay, that doesn’t sound in the least friendly to me. Some say you have to see it to be cursed by it, but some others you only have to hear it howling for your family to be cursed.

This SCP is definitely in the dangerous category. It’s a large black shaggy dog that if one makes eye contact with it, you or a member of your family will die exactly one year after eye contact is broken. As a result, the SCP Foundation has taken certain steps to minimize this occurrence by covering the dog’s eyes with rubber stops, confining it to a single corridor within the facility that includes multiple false doors and resembles a crossroads, and banning all reflective surfaces within its enclosure. The bodies of its victims will appear untouched but when autopsied they are discovered to be filled with ashes and the inner organs cremated.

SCP 1000: Bigfoot

Bigfoot is very probably one of the most famous cryptids in America, so I’m not going to go into the folklore here, but according to the SCP Foundation, they’re very real and based on SCP 1000, a near-extinct species of primate that used to rule North America. The race once had a superior intellect and even technology to humans and were the masters of genetic manipulation. They’re nearly extinct because of a kind of magical disease they manufactured to eradicate humanity during some long-forgotten war, that rebounded onto their species. Seeking to keep human beings out of their territories they crafted a disease that kills human beings that spend too much time in proximity to them or views them for too long. Unfortunately, the disease also worked on them and it wiped out almost 99% of their race.

So yeah, the glimpses and rumors are apparently true but these beings are protected by the SCP Foundation who make it their job to police any and all reports of their sightings and work hard to make sure they stay rumors.

SCP 2191-1: The Vampire Factory

We all know about the classic vampires of folklore seen in hundreds of movies and TV shows, that are allergic to garlic, can’t be seen in mirrors, and shapeshift into bats and wolves, well the SCP Foundation has proof that such creatures actually exist. But you can forget about your dandy-ish, effete, European gentlemen vampires though, these are more like the 30 Days of Night vampires.

The containment procedures for this are special which makes this a Keter class anomaly because the Vampire Factory isn’t a person, it’s a geographical area that produces vampire-like creatures. The location is a temple-like structure built over a group of caverns in Romania. The caverns and structures are inhabited by a group of severely mutated humans which sound a lot like the vampires from Blade 2, or The Strain. From time to time the creatures will enter an active hunting phase where they leave the caverns and temple to hunt down any nearby human beings, and feed on them by means of a lamprey-like tongue that paralyzes and then liquefies its victims.

These creatures aren’t the least bit romantic so you will not be swapping spit with them under the moonlight, and pray you don’t become one of them.

SCP 872 : The Scarecrow

The living scarecrow is a real folkloric trope, but the SCP Foundation has a little bit of a twist on it. Here, we have a typical scarecrow effigy with tattered clothes, made out of wood scraps, which imparts its ability to frighten away animals to any animals that wander too close to it so they can frighten humans away. I admit I wasn’t expecting this when I heard about this trope. I was expecting the typical living scarecrow thing where it appears to be a non-living entity that moves but this is a novel use of folklore.

Any animal that wanders into a certain radius of the scarecrow will become extremely protective of that area, attacking any humans that get close to its radius. If there is a flock of animals they will behave as if they are being cultivated by people. For example, sheep will attempt to remove each other’s wool with their mouths, chickens will lay their eggs in an easy-to-access area for humans to collect, and cows will kill and dismember one member of the group each month and deposit their remains at the edge of the territory for humans to pick up. If an animal is removed from the scarecrow’s influence it will go into a catatonic state until it is put within range of the scarecrow’s influence again.

Yeah, this is terrifying in a Gary Larson cartoon kind of way.

SCP 352 : Baba Yaga

Baba Yaga is one of my all-time favorite Russian folktales. I first encountered it in elementary school and found the whole idea of a witch that lives in a house that moves around on chicken feet deliciously scary! For some reason, my childhood mind attached this entity to the story of Hansel and Gretel and the witch who lived in a candy house used to lure children probably because the version of this entity that I read about ate kids too.

The Baba Yaga does exist as a Keter Class entity in the SCP but this version is especially creepy. She still looks like an emaciated elderly Russian woman with super strength, healing abilities, and speed, but she can also grow long, nearly invisible tendrils of hair that are coated in saliva that she uses like tentacles/webs to grab prey (people). The saliva coating on the hair paralyzes her victims and induces euphoria and hallucinations so that they are docile while she eats them, one limb at a time, which can take several days.

As far as I know, this entity doesn’t fly around in a mortar and pestle or live in a house with chicken feet, but she is unremittingly hostile, using any and every opportunity to grab a meal. And yes, she does prefer to eat children.

SCP 3000: The World Serpent – Yormungunder/Jormungandr

The Jormungandr (meaning “huge monster”) is a creature from Norse mythology called The World/Midgard Serpent, and is said to be one of Loki’s children. It is said that it is so huge that it can circle the earth and grasp its own tail, which gave rise to the myth of the Ouroboros.

It’s currently located in the Bay of Bengal and is so large that it is impossible for this entity to be contained, so the SCP Foundation has decided on containment procedures that involve quarantining the area, disinformation, and erasing the memories of any who happen to encounter it, although the creature is capable of doing that on its own. It’s considered a Cognitoazard – a fancy way of saying it affects people’s mental capabilities. Direct sightings of the creature can result in head pain, loss of memory, severe paranoia, and panic which makes it easier to catch and eat prey, although it doesn’t actually seem to need sustenance. It’s largely sedentary but can move very fast when it has to. It excretes a dark grey substance from its skin which the SCP foundation collects to create its memory-erasing drugs.

SCP 1826: The Wild Hunt

In Celtic mythology, The Wild Hunt has a variety of different incarnations. It’s a large cavalcade of men and horses seen riding through the sky at certain times of the year and said to presage catastrophic events. The leader of the hunt could be any number of mythological figures from Cernnunos, to King Arthur, to Odin, and any human who saw the Hunt was said to be death-cursed, end up being hunted themselves or whisked away to the fairy underworld. One story has it that you could get out of being hunted by joining it voluntarily, although only as one of the hounds. It is even believed that the Hunt can pull people’s spirits from their bodies while they sleep.

What the SCP has however is an interesting and occasionally funny take on The Wild Hunt in the form of an abandoned office building where the Russian version of this myth has been trapped for several decades! Any female person or creature that wanders into the building at a certain time of year (usually March) will be possessed by one of the spirits of The Wild Hunt and demanifested. Her job will then be to manifest physically and challenge any male person or creature that enters the building to celebrate the return of Spring with a hunt and a duel. If she wins, the victim will be incorporated into the building, and then reproduced the next year in the form of a black wolf! If she loses the challenge then whatever male will simply be allowed to walk free.

Usually, D-Class subjects and random women are introduced to this SCP, but one year the researchers decided to put one of the D-Class up against a small female turtle, that was then sprinkled with iron filings and thus lost the match. One year the researchers thought it would be interesting to put an anteater and an ant in the building, a match that lasted about 3 seconds.

Completely Harmless SCPs

Not everything that is contained by the SCP is dangerous, evil, or inadvertently trying to take over, or destroy the world! Some things are just anomalous, and/or weird, and completely, utterly harmless. And yet, whatever it is cannot be allowed to simply exist in public because, due to its appearance, it would still freak people out, no matter how beneficial the object might be.

SCP 999 The Tickle Monster

Of all the SCPs the Tickle Monster is probably the sweetest and cutest monster in the organization. It’s a small, bright yellow blob of protoplasm that loves to interact with people, and especially likes candy, and being tickled. It’s sort of like a yellow, squishy, puppy. The Tickle Monster doesn’t really need to be contained and has the complete run of the facility. It’s a direct output of the SCP’s efforts to thwart the emergence of the Scarlet King, having been birthed by one of the seven brides who were cursed to give birth to demons as a sign of Scarlet’s return.

The Tickle Monster is a Thaumiel class SCP. It has the special ability to make anyone who interacts with it happier, and the SCP uses it to boost morale among the employees at its containment facility. It is also speculated that there is a special purpose for its existence, as it’s meant to save the world from The Scarlet King himself.

SCP 131 The Eyepods

Totally harmless, these two brave and friendly SCPs are the absolute best things bout working at their facility. The Eyepods are sort of like BB8’s from Star Wars, but with two giant blue eyeballs in their teardrop-shaped bodies, where faces would normally be. SCP 131-A which has an orange body, and 131-B, which has a bright yellow body are allowed to freely roam about Site 19, although too much contact between them and site personnel isn’t encouraged because they have a tendency to form attachments to specific people, which can impede that person’s ability to do their work.

They’re about as smart as housecats, don’t eat, sleep, or poop, and love to get into things because they’re deeply nosy. They are also very protective of people they get attached to, attempting to warn them away from Keter and Euclid class objects in the facility. Since they are incapable of blinking they can be tremendously helpful when it comes to corralling SCP 173. They’re not allowed to leave the facility, or go into classified areas, but their whereabouts are monitored hourly, which is necessary because, due to curiosity, and their ability to roll up sheer surfaces, they have occasionally had to be rescued from the air vents.

SCP 085 2D Cassy

Cassy is a little more melancholy tale, but she really is completely harmless. She is an entirely 2-dimensional being that is sentient and knows that she is two-dimensional. Cassy was created by accident, with the interaction between two different SCPs, but attempts to recreate her effect (sometimes this is done in order to create a companion for her) have been fruitless. As a result, Cassie is very lonely and likes to interact with people whenever she can, but she can never be allowed to leave containment.

Anything that is drawn on Cassie’s paper, or on paper, paintings, illustrations, or watercolors that are placed next to her own, she can animate and use. She can drink beverages you draw for her and wear any illustrated clothing. For example, if you draw a picture of a car, or put her near a drawing of one, she can transfer herself to that piece of paper and use it, but drawing other people doesn’t seem to work. She can also transfer herself to nearby oil paintings and comic books, basically any other hand-drawn piece of paper. She will then take on the appearance of whatever two-dimensional plane she just entered. If it’s an oil painting in a certain style, for example, that’s how she will appear on the page, orienting herself to fit the images on the paper. She cannot, however, transfer herself to photographs, cardboard, or parchment though.

SCP 5031 Alien Cook

Actually, the title of this one was called Just Another Murder Monster, and I found this story to be a lot of fun. This is a creature that was murderous and enraged when he first encountered humans, but over time his handlers taught him to rein in some of his hostility and began to provide less violent outlets for his energy. This resulted in his interest in cooking, where he discovered that he had a real talent, and has since become a top chef in the facility in which he is kept. He loves nothing more than whipping up exotic and complicated, tasty meals, and entertaining the workers at the facility.

This entire affair is complicated by the fact that he cannot be seen. He is completely invisible when you look at him. He is definitely a corporeal being and can manipulate matter around him. He simply can’t be seen by cameras, human eyes, or any other method of perception, so sitting in a room while an invisible monster makes incredibly delicious food for you has gotta be just a little bit weird.

SCP 458 The Pizza Box

It’s really just an anomalous pizza box filled with unending pizza of the opener’s choice. You close the box, say what type of pizza is wanted, and when you open the box, Voila!, you have the pizza that you asked for. The box is currently sitting in the breakroom of its containment facility, being enjoyed by all the employees.

That’s it really. It doesn’t produce horror pizzas or talk or anything, just makes a delicious pizza.

SCP 529 Josie The Half Cat

Yeah, there’s nothing at all horrifying about Josie. She’s basically your standard kitty, but she only has half a body. She runs around, plays, and eats like a normal cat as if her back half were present. No, it’s not invisible. It’s completely intangible. No, she’s not secretly a monster or anything, and just acts like a cat.

SCP 2952 The Long Good Boy

This SCP has to be one of the weirdest, cutest SCP’ in existence! It’s a seemingly small Welsh Pembroke Corgi whose body is actually thousands of miles long, with his head and upper body above ground in one country (the U.S.), his lower body emerging from underground in a different country (Japan), and various parts of the body showing aboveground in both urban and rural areas. Scratch his head and the other end reacts immediately.

The reason why he’s so long…he’s actually an underground fairy transportation system! Along his side are lots of little circular ports which turn out to be windows, and doorways to get on board. A human can enter by simply touching one of the portals which will shrink them to the appropriate size. Inside the little doggie are tiny people commuting to and from gob only knows where and an interior crafted from naturally occurring items like plants and trees! It is recommended that SCP personnel play with and pet the head because that is beneficial for the pupper’s morale.

The SCP made the mistake once of cutting off access to the tiny portals by covering the dog up at various locations and found themselves on the receiving end of some mafia-style tactics from a kind of fairy construction union, involving kidnappings, giant moles, Hawthorne berries, and the creative use of poison ivy.

The story is hilariously wild and everyone should probably go read up on it on the Wiki.

SCP 1230 I Am The Hero

This is probably one of the most wholesome SCPs out there. It’s an Gandalf-looking entity that has taken it upon itself to grant dreams to those who request them. The entity lives inside a special book, which bestows fantasy dreams on anyone who reads it. These dreams are based on a person’s deepest desires, but are not without the occasional issue, because someone with negative desires (like suicide) will find that dream granted to them when they sleep. The entity is an affable caring person who says he enjoys crafting fantasy worlds for dreamers and seems genuinely sad when the dream ends. He just wants people to be happy.

After reading a story in the book, the person goes to bed like normal but will have the most amazing and realistic dream where they are a heroic figure in a drama that is carefully crafted to fit their personality. The dreams seem to be as real as the waking world and the person will wake up feeling happy and refreshed. The book only works on beings with an imagination who are capable of having dreams

SCP 348 Comforting Soup Bowl

This SCP is also pretty wholesome and completely harmless. It’s a small white ceramic bowl, with blue decorations in it, that simply makes soup. Whenever anyone with a minor ailment, injury, or sadness gets near it, it will fill up with their favorite soup. If the person eats the soup (especially children) they will claim that the soup (no matter the flavor) made them feel better, or that it reminded them of the cooking of someone they loved. Sometimes, depending on their circumstances there will be a soothing parental message at the bottom of the bowl like, “Don’t forget to brush.” or, “I’m glad you’re happy.”, or “I love you.”

Next up in SCP posts: Inside the hierarchy of the SCP, and a list of rival organizations of interest!

Ten Deeply Funny, Weird, (And Sometimes Dangerous) SCPs

These are the types of SCPs that, while they are not joke SCPs, they are still deeply funny, while at the same time, being sometimes dangerous, and still need to be contained. A couple of them are actually capable of ending the world, and while there are a lot of horrible ways for the world to end, a stupid SCP, that could have very easily been contained, is just not the way to go about that.

SCP 2941: Fruit Hate

This is a collection of semi-sentient fruit, that could potentially destroy the world, if the SCP doesn’t keep the fruit emotionally abused, and demoralized. They really are a cute and likable bunch of fruits and vegetables consisting of mushrooms, pears, a banana, a green pepper, and a lime, all of whom have high morale, and self esteem. They are capable of locomotion, love to be complimented, like to greet new people, tell jokes, laugh, and play games.

Unfortunately, when they do things that make them happy, they grow bigger and bigger, with no limit as to size. For example, a couple of button mushrooms, who enjoy each other’s company, are required to be kept permanently separated, lest they doom the world to being crushed by two happy mushrooms, the red delicious apple, who likes to roll around in his containment cell, has been convinced that if he moves, he will awaken the parasitic worm that lives inside him, and the honeydew melon, who loves to be complimented on the roundness of his shell, must be told repeatedly, that he is a hideous cube. Once, an employee accidentally complimented the melon, while it was being carried by a female researcher, and 8 people died, when the melon grew to enormous size, and crushed all who were present.

SCP 1689: Bag of Holding Potatoes

Really, this is it. It’s just a large bag of golden potatoes. An exploration of the realm within the bag, shows there’s nothing else in the bag, but potatoes, possibly leading to a universe full of potatoes. I’m not sure how dangerous this is, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to overturn the bag, to find out how many potatoes could potentially be in it. It is possible to have too much of a good thing.

SCP 1247 ; The Shia Lebeouf Viewer

This is a human male whose brain has been invaded, by some form of fungus, that only allows him to see the face of Shia Lebeouf, no matter the size or shape, of the living, or even dead being that he is looking at. No, this isn’t particularly dangerous to anyone, and he’s not contagious, as far as it’s known, but nevertheless, the ability to see nothing but the face and form of Shia Lebeouf, is quite disturbing, and this poor man should be viewed with a certain amount of compassion.

SCP 1370: Pesterbot

Is the tiniest, cutest, little fan-made robot to ever exist. He is capable of moving about, and speaking, without a power source, which is what makes him anomalous. He is completely harmless to anything and everyone, and can barely stand upright, or balance himself, yet he believes himself to be one of the most dangerous beings in the universe, and is always challenging people, plants, animals, his own reflection, or whatever wanders into his orbit, to battle with him. He likes to brag about how he will destroy whoever or whatever he challenges, how they deserve death at his pincers, and give himself names that are in no way a reflection of who he actually is, his size, or even what he looks like, like: Doombot, Shivatron, and The Despoiler of Mirth! He is so cute that the researchers have to refrain from laughing at him during testing lest they demoralize the little fellow. Pesterbot, as he is popularly known, is very probably, one of the least dangerous creatures in the entirety of the SCP!

018: Super Ball

Remember that scene in Men in Black, when will Smith accidentally released a floating ball from its containment device, and it neatly destroyed MIB headquarters? Yeah. Why is something that looks like the rubber ball from Whammo dangerous? Here:

There’s a reason this is classified as Euclid.

SCP 261: Anomalous Japanese Vending Machine

This machine isn’t actually dangerous, most of the time. It’s mostly just bizarre. It’s a large black machine, with no front glass panel, and can work without a power source. It appears to give people whatever it thinks they want at its whim. When it was opened, it turned out that the machine didn’t actually seem to have any food in it. A person drops in some yen, presses a random number, and the machine will give out a random snack.

When the machine is powered on, normal seeming treats come out of it. The treats sometimes look strange, as if they came from alternate universes, but are at least edible. If it gets used too many times in a row, or used without its power on, it will start to dispense objects that look like food, but are actually poisonous, or even explosive. It has dispensed perfectly normal things, like Coke Zero, but also something called Dragon Twist Pepsi, and Darkside Cola ,a cola which comes out clear ,but turns black after opening it. The machine has also produced unrecognizable snack items, such as a small can of live animals that are cooked after pressing a button on the side, and one time, a tall can of something that blew up, injuring several people.

SCP 3740: The Mighty Ashur

This powerful humanoid is what’s known in the SCP as a class 8 reality bender, who is only kept in check by being incredibly gullible. He is every bit as powerful as he believes himself to be, referring to himself as Ashur, “God of the Air”, a member of an old Abyssinian pantheon, who can control the weather and air currents, speak to flying animals, and control tornadoes, and other meteorological phenomena.

What keeps him in check are the acting abilities of SCP personal, who have also styled themselves as various gods, and occasionally party with him, in exchange for stories of his life. In fact, he believes these people to be: Nieems the Champion of the Wastes, Ulmar the Unbroken, Fott the Vicious, and Ninurtha the Forgotten Sword of Night. He will accept anything told to him at face value, as long as he believes the other person is also a god, which can be easily accomplished with things like card tricks, or turning on a light switch.

Right now, Ashur believes himself to be living in a Chateau, that he conquered after a drunken brawl, at a bar. He believes that the D-class personnel are his servants, the the Mobile Task Force which guards him, and who are required to wear period armor, are his royal guardians, and that the research personnel are fellow gods and heroic figures, like Aldous Manhattan, Slayer of his Enemies, and Bliss Delight, a being of pure energy. Why? Because Aldous told him so, and Bliss zapped him with static electricity one time.

SCP 846: Robo-Dude

Robo Dude, as he likes to call himself, is as cute as the Pesterbot, but a lot less angry. He is basically a small toy robot that has been heavily over-accessorized, with over 300 bits, pieces, gears, tools and weapons, that he has stored in a tiny pocket universe, behind a door, in his belly. The problem is that many of his accessories actually work and are kind of dangerous, themselves. For example, when asked to produce a specific accessory he has named, the door in his torso opens, he produces the tool, and it actually works as if it were real, like his ray blaster, a small flamethrower, a rocket launcher, an actual but tiny assault rifle, and a nuclear grenade (which naturally, no one has asked him to produce.)

Robo Dude is a product of Dr. Wondertainment, a company which rivals the SCP, and insists on making life as interesting and difficult as possible, by creating anomalous (and occasionally dangerous) toys.

SCP 423: Fred

Okay, Fred isn’t actually dangerous. He’s just mildly annoying, and if allowed to roam freely, would probably mess up some of your favorite books. Fred is not a corporeal being. He exists entirely in written form, in various books, except none of the books are his own, and he can transfer himself from one book to another. Fred is a self insert character.

When Fred has successfully transitioned himself into a story, he will become a minor character within the narrative, whose name is always Fred or something similar. This is the only way he can exist. He often appears in stories as an average looking, middle aged, white guy, but if there are no adults, he will show up as a kid. In SciFi stories, without any humans, he will show up as an alien. None of the other characters will notice anything out of the ordinary about him. The only people who notice, are those reading the story, and only those who are especially well read, will even notice that an extra character has been added!

SCP 735: The Insult Box

The Insult Box is a small computer sized box, with a small slot in its side. When a person touches it, it will wake up ,and begin insulting the person who touched it. It seems to know far too much about the person, as its responses are deeply personal, and always hostile. The motivation for this appears to be making its subjects fly into a rage and attempt to bash it. Since it’s made from an unknown metal, their activities are unsuccessful. The machine emits a magnetic pulse, of some kind, to drive the person’s emotions to extremes, as their adrenaline revs out of control, and it appears to be mildly telepathic, as well. It can speak in any known language, and will even tailor its voice, and manner of speech, to be the most annoying, upsetting, or rage inducing, to its subject.

Is it trying to get itself destroyed? Is the rage it induces a form of therapy? Is it testing the person’s fitness? No one knows.

The Most Tragic SCPs

One of the great things about the SCP archives, is that its a kind of shared world anthology, and ordinary people people get to practice their writing skills. Not all SCPs are terrifying, hostile, or sneaky (that’s just my personal interest). Some of them are just beautiful, adventurous, thrilling, happy, and yes, sometimes even tragic. Here are nine of the most popular tragic SCPs.

SCP 682 The Inevitable End of All But Me

This one really got to me. I don’t think most people follow the idea of immortality to its inevitable non-end, and dreams of immortality are something indulged in only by the very young, (usually after they have had their first existential crisis), because as a person gets older, their thoughts about being on this planet forever, are definitely going to change. SCP 682, that unkillable Reptile, finds out exactly what it means to live forever.

SCP 1762 Where The Dragons Went

The first time I heard this one, I didn’t fully understand what it meant, but subsequent viewings brought a real sense of pathos. This isn’t just about the destruction of another world, but the part humanity played in that destruction.

SCP 1342 To The Makers Of Music

This one brought tears to my eyes, too, and is a little hard to describe, but its the story of the encounter between Voyager One, and the sentient avatar, of an alien species.

SCP 4999 Someone To Watch Over Me

In the SCP, no one ever dies alone, and one could do worse, than meeting this SCP, at the end of their life…

SCP 1609 The Chair

We’ll talk about the Global Occult Coalition at a later date, but basically, not all SCPs are dangerous, or even hostile, and one of the reasons that the SCP secures, contains, and protects, is so horrible things like this don’t ever happen again…

SCP 451 Mr. Lonely

Its one thing to wish for invisibility, but have you thought through all of the consequences of what happens, when nobody can acknowledge your existence? What happens when that works both ways?

SCP 1337 The Hitchhiker

This is yet another instance of why security and protection are the SCP’s watchwords. The SCP keeps anomalous objects and people close, not because they don’t want to destroy them, but because attempting to destroy something, without fully understanding it first, could trigger something much, much, worse.

SCP 2273 Major Alexei Belitrov

This is a long one, but well worth the listen. At first, you think perhaps, this is an alien invasion story, but its something very different, with a very different ending. I enjoyed this one a lot.

SCP 1192 Timmy

I thought this one was deeply heartbreaking. Its about a bird that believes its a little boy named Timmy.

The Most Terrifying and Sneakiest SCPs

I love covering these SCPs. It satisfies my love for horror stories and movies all year round, and I’m really glad I found it. Why didn’t anybody tell me about the SCP Foundation before two years ago?

Here’s my list of SCPs which are especially creepy, sneaky, and horrifying. These are SCPs that creep up on you, or masquerade as something else, in order to lure you closer before eating you, or maybe just scaring you to death.

SCP 906: Scouring Hive

I found this SCP pretty horrifying, because its just a collection of bugs, that can group together, until they form a humanoid shape, which can mimic the sound of a human voice. If you’ve ever seen the movie Mimic, this is sort of like that, only these bugs are smaller. They produce a clear acid like substance that can burn through everything except titanium, and completely dissolves its prey. When it’s hungry, it swarms its victims, covering them in the acidic liquid, until the person is reduced to a slurry that it can then more easily consume. It can only be destroyed by fire. Not only that, but it seems to enjoy targeting human beings, and has been known to laugh at its victims, after luring them in.

My brain isn’t even trying to picture what this SCP might look like. (Probably disgusting.)

SCP 303: The Doorman

The Doorman is a cognito-hazard that, while it doesn’t do any actual physical harm, is nonetheless terrifying, because that’s the point. It’s a humanoid shaped creature, with a large head that has no eyes, is mostly made up of teeth, and lurks near doors and windows, where it can stare in at its victims. The person’s terror can become so great, they simply freeze, unable to move forward, or go through any doors, after having witnessed it. The Doorman only shows itself to one victim at a time, hiding when any other potential witnesses come near.

Oddly, the creature isn’t doing this on purpose, as the fear it produces, is just a side effect of its presence, and it doesn’t make physical contact with the people it observes, but I imagine that’s of little comfort to people on the receiving end of that eyeless stare.

SCP 525: Spider Eyes

Oooh, this one is particularly disgusting, as it involves both eyeballs, and arachnids. Its also pretty weird since, in its original state, its just a bunch of disjointed legs, until more than six of them get put near each other, then they hook themselves together, and go looking for a host to inhabit. After finding a suitable life form, the legs go directly to a person’s eyeballs, removes one of them, attaches itself to the eyeball just removed, then implants itself back in the eye socket. And then it just lives there, in the person’s eye socket, until the eyeball withers away.

That’s it. It doesn’t take over the body, or make little spiders, or anything, and when its done with that host, it simply goes looking for a new one.

SCP 1471: Mal0 App

Okay, this one is pretty weird, and a little hard to describe, but essentially it’s a stalker/hunter SCP, like a cross between It Follows, and The Ring, except it finds its victims through an app, of the same name. A person receives and invitation to download the app, and once they do, no shortcut will appear on their phone, but they will begin to receive images of the their new stalker, a large humanoid figure with the skull of some kind of dog, usually in background shots of places they like to frequent. They will be sent these images every few hours, starting with places they visited in the past, to places they just visited, and finally in the same place with them, and getting closer with each photo. The victim will also start to see the figure in their peripheral vision, or in reflective surfaces nearby.

Like The Doorman, it is non-hostile, but still terrifying to look at, and be stalked by, so I’m opting out of this one, too.

SCP 198: The Coffee Mug

This pretty little cup is definitely one of the more disgusting ways to die. First of all, it changes its shape to trick people into picking it up, is difficult to contain, and is currently under heavy guard at the SCP Foundation, just in case it disappears at some point. When a person picks it up, it immediately bonds itself to their hands, in what is said to be an incredibly painful process, and cannot be removed, until the person is dead. So picking it up is essentially a death sentence unless someone is there to cut off the limb holding the cup.

After it bonds to its victim’s hand, it begins to automatically fill with different body fluids from the victim, both dehydrating the person really, really, fast, and causing a tremendous thirst. The liquid could be anything from blood to mucus, to urine, to bile, but the only way to slow down the process of dehydration, and eventual death, is to drink what’s in the cup, after which it will immediately fill up with more liquid. Not that that’s going to save them, because throughout the entire process, the victim is still dehydrating. They will mummify much faster if they stop drinking, so pouring it out is not an option, if the victim wants to live a little bit longer, but eventually, they can’t drink anymore, because they are either too full, or too repulsed to keep going.

And that’s enough of that. My brain had no problem imagining this one.

SCP 1128: The Aquatic Horror

SCP 1128, is both a physio- and cognitohazard. Its a meme where, if someone describes this underwater creature to someone in detail, than that person will also be infected by the idea. There aren’t any symptoms, at first, but eventually the person starts to become hydrophobic, and begin trying to avoid being immersed in water. After a few days of this fear/obsession, they can be pulled bodily into any amount of water, no matter its depth, and if fully immersed, they may or may not survive the event. Those that survive the experience, come back very disturbed, and frantic, and will describe being transported to a large body of water, where they are relentlessly chased by a massive predator.

And then there are the ones that don’t make it back…

SCP 1382: Save Our Souls

This for me is one of the saddest and most horrifying SCP’s. Just the entire idea of being trapped in a horrific situation that you can never get out of sounds pretty bleak. This is one of the aquatic SCPs, anchored to a buoy, with an alarm on it. When the alarm goes off, any water-going vessel, that’s close to it, will sink, and its inhabitants will become part of the SCP.

The SCP itself (called 1382-1) is the remains of a downed airplane in Lake Michigan, that contains the skeletal remains of the passengers and crew. When the alarm on the buoy sounds an SOS, in Morse code, the remains will resurrect, and go through the motions of their last 13 seconds aboard the drowned aircraft. Any ship or boat near the buoy, when it sounds the SOS, will disappear, and its crew and passengers will become trapped with the remains on the drowned plane.

This sounds absolutely awful as the resurrected remains keep reliving their deaths over and over.

SCP: Mold Ester Moon

I’m not entirely sure that this is an SCP, because I couldn’t find a number for it. Like The Doorman and Mal0, its essentially harmless, but is nevertheless still pretty damn creepy. There are a lot of rumors about what it will do to a person if it encounters them, but I couldn’t confirm any of these on the SCP website. The Mold Ester is basically a moon shaped orb that just like It Follows, stalks its prey, slowly and relentlessly, until it finally catches up, and does something to them, but what, goes unsaid. According to rumor there is no escaping from it. Once it has targeted its prey, through line of sight, it will follow them without rest, passing through any solid objects, and ignoring all other people, until its prey is caught.

SCP 178: 3D Glasses

At first, these seem like a typical pair of cardboard 3-D glasses. But when a person puts them on, they can see into a kind of spirit world, that can affect this one. Putting on the glasses allows a person to see the vicious, ugly, alien beings that are invisible in everyday life. It is possible to survive having seen them, if a person pretends they haven’t or simply doesn’t react to their presence. Any reaction to seeing them, especially if a person tries to interact, will result in the creatures brutally slashing the person to death, once the glasses come off. What’s more, the creatures often know the person is there, and will try to provoke a reaction by standing as close as possible to the viewer. Also, if one perosn sees them, and any other people are in the vicinity, they’ll be killed too, even though they didn’t see anything.

SCP 017: Shadow Person

This SCP appears to be the smoke-like shadow of a child, but given the opportunity, will devour whole, any human being that stands close enough to it for their own shadow to touch it.To that end, it must be surrounded by bright lights at all times, and any staff that manage its containment must wear reflective gear within the containment unit.

SCP 072: The Foot of the Bed

There’s a reason to be afraid of the monster under the bed. This SCP resembles such a monster in that it attacks and consumes its victims when they go to bed. If a person leaves any limbs hanging off the edge of the bed, within reach of it, it will waken them, by first, tapping on their exposed limb, then paralyzing them, before slowly stripping all the skin and flesh from the dangling appendage, and squirreling that away somewhere. This can last for several hours, as the victim remains unable to move, scream, or call for help, but can feel everything. SCP is also contagious. If one bed in the house becomes infected with this SCP, it will spread to other beds in the room, and eventually the entire house. It manifests only as a hand, and only at certain light levels.

Honorable Mention: Weirdest SCP

SCP 2137: Forensic Ghost of Tupac Shakur

This is a fascinating SCP that, while not dangerous or horrifying, I had to talk about it, because its just sooo weird. Its a CD, of various songs by Tupac Shakur, that when played, solve current crimes. Its based on Tupac Shakur’s Me Against the World CD, which the SCP Foundation uses to tip off the police, to capture murderers, or sometimes capture themselves.

When the Foundation decided it no longer would use the CD, because of the increased interaction with the police that came with doing so, the CD uploaded itself to the internet, where Tupac began a war against the SCP Foundation, by releasing classified SCP files, which threatened to create Keter Class world events. After coercing the Foundation into using it again, the Tupac CD is now considered a Thaumiel class object. Objects that are actually helpful to the Foundation in capturing murderers, or containing other SCPs. Such objects are incredibly rare, so they are well protected.

It also turns out that the CD is NOT actually possessed by the ghost of Tupac, but is in fact some sort of vengeance/justice higher being, that came to Earth, masquerading as Tupac. Once a murder has been solved, the CD seems to know this, and the track changes to provide information lon a new unsolved case. It is theorized that the entity that was Tupac Shakur will join with SCP 999, in its war against The Scarlet King, (a Euclid Class entity which we will discuss later.)

If you have the time, you have to listen to the entire file. The music is both spot on, and hilarious, as the musician who made this file sounds exactly like Tupac, and that 90s style of Rap that we all grew up listening to. This SCP is awesome (I was a huge Tupac fan), and has very quickly become one of my top favorite SCPs, right up there with SCP 1730 – What Happened to Site 13, and SCP 1936 – Daleport!

I have a couple more treats coming up for you guys. We’ll talk more about the makeup SCP Foundation, including the different Mobile Task Forces, and the other major organizations that are a part of that world, as the SCP isn’t the only one. I’ll have a list of my favorite British Urban Fantasy novels, and some movie recommendations for Black History Month, that are more lighthearted than the usual fare we get. (Its not that struggle movies shouldn’t be made, or that I don’t support them, but I’m getting older now, and I’m kinda tired of those. It’s time for Black films and TV series that are a little more fun.)

Top Ten Joke SCPs

Hi,

Here, have some light reading this week, (because I know things are feeling rather tense), as I type up some SCP posts, while I work on a few long form articles for y’all to read, later. I don’t know if these are the funniest, they’re just the ones I thought of as the silliest, outside of the Dial A Llama one. Joke SCPs are often designated by a dash J after its number, and generally designed to lighten up some of the doom, and gloom, and global destruction proceedings, on the SCP website.

SCP 007 Unidentified Muffin Creature

This is not a description of the blueberry muffin itself, but a description of the anomalous events surrounding its vanishing, as some unseen being ate a researcher’s muffin, after he set it on his desk, when he went to answer a call. All that was left behind was some muffin residue on the desk, and around his office partner’s lips, yet no one witnessed the mysterious disappearance of the actual muffin. To date the case has not been solved, or contained.

SCP 810 A Dog In Need Of Funds

This is a male German Shepherd dog that speaks English, but only does so when it is alone with its mark, and only to beg for money, for some unnamed cause. It usually asks for five thousand dollars, although it never explains why it needs the money, in the first place, and is willing to offer as collateral, either a small porcelain toadstool, that it can vomit up at will, or the affirmation that his dad, Mick Jagger, is good for the money. The dog is not allowed near any banks, and is mostly contained.

SCP 666 1/2 The Roaring Flames of Hell

Okay, for this one I had to go directly to the SCP Wiki to describe it, but its best if you go to the audio version on Youtube. It is very probably the funniest video I have ever heard.

SCP-666½-J is a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée produced by the internal Foundation catering service Containment Cuisine for the 45th annual Site-19 Foundation Formal. Roughly 42% of the 1,500 attendees consumed SCP-666½-J and were subsequently affected by its anomalous properties. SCP-666½-J’s effects started to become apparent approximately one hour after the conclusion of the main course, at which time event goers began to complain of slight abdominal pain. By the second hour, many attendees were complaining of significant digestive distress and all restrooms in the immediate vicinity were filled to capacity with extended queues. By the third hour, medical, investigative, and plumbing personnel were being flown in from surrounding sites to aid in relief efforts.

The bottom line is that if you eat this stuffed mushroom entree, you will pay horribly for having done so, by experiencing extreme full body distress, and ot only will you wish to die, you will probably regret ever having lived.

SCP Procastinating Rock

Its basically a small rock, that makes whoever is holding it, put off doing any work, about having it in their possession. To be honest, I don’t need any accessories to make me put off doing the things I’m supposed to be doing.

SCP 729 Pillow Peep

SCP 079 is a large stuffy, in the form of a yellow marshmallow peep. For some reason, this object is the most terrifying SCP in containment, frightening even the most dangerous and horrific of SCPs. When not terrified of it ,some of them have nothing but abject hatred for it. Every SCP from the Hard to Destroy Reptile, to The Gate Guardian, to Cain and Abel, retreats in terror from its presence, or bows to it in worship.

I want one.

SCP 885 Researcher J’s Inability To Clean Up After Himself

This is fairly self explanatory. This Researcher’s complete inability to clean up after himself has been a source of great puzzlement, anger, and discussion, for some time. He has destroyed the breakroom of Site 13 multiple times, while fixing various meals, leaving piles of dishes, after fixing even the simplest meals, for his co-workers to wash up, after two to three days of willful neglect. Please do yourself a favor and don’t examine this picture too closely.

I know this probably sounds like an old roommates, but its probably not, as many people are afflicted with this disease, including one of my sisters.

SCP 2600 Bicycle Mafia

This SCP consists, so far, of a single bicycle that continues to try to escape, unsuccessfully, by attacking and running down, or attempting to abduct, SCP personnel. However, it does have outside cohorts, who keep sending threatening ransom style letters to the SCP facility, photographs of bikes that have been roughly deconstructed, or videos of bikes spinning their wheels in a threatening manner. When these other bikes encounter SCP personnel outside the facilities, they also attempt to run them down, or abduct them, which sometimes requires personnel to go to and from work in disguise.

SCP WTF Try Not to Laugh

This is another one that’s better off being listened to, as it is very possibly, one of the most lengthy and ridiculous SCPs ever written, consisting almost entirely of a series of a couple dozen procedures to save the world, involving dildos, tacos, saltwater crocodiles, a group of 49 year old Italian men, cheeseburgers, pig intestines, a 19 year old woman of Chinese descent, a 42 year old woman of German descent, a freshly cloned dodo, an aborted fetus, an octopus, and this is very specific, a 29 year old man, whose middle name rhymes with “Rank”, who must first slather his ankles in unsalted butter, before amputating the ankles, and roasting them over the carcass of a stillborn calf, after which, he must eat his own roasted ankles, using only a spoon. Somehow, the Pope gets involved, there are cake baking skills, and at some point, Italy must revert to fascism, for exactly 23 nanoseconds….

Pretty sure that by the time its all done, you’ll have completely forgotten why…

SCP 666 Dr. Gerald’s Driving Skills

Dr. Gerald is never to be allowed to drive any vehicle, any time, anywhere.

To date, not a single human being has ever survived a Dr. Gerald driving experience. Should any passengers, or pedestrians, manage somehow to survive any accident he just caused, they will be sure to be run down by a passing motorist. When Dr. Gerald is behind the wheel of any vehicle the world becomes much more dangerous than it normally would be. Tankers, no matter what they’re carrying, essentially become mobile bombs, and cars will explode at the slightest tap. Not only is he not allowed to drive, he is not allowed to get close to, or travel in, dangerous environments, like for example, near a nuclear reactor, or chemical refinery. Anything that has even the potential to become explosive will do so if Dr. Gerald is driving a vehicle, in its vicinity.

Dr. Gerald, however, always manages to survive whatever destruction he causes.

Things Dr. Bright Are Not Allowed To Do

Before you watch the video, you first need some background on who is Dr. Jack Bright, because he’s …complicated!

Dr. Jack Bright,¹ a Junior Staff researcher of good standing, was assigned the responsibility of researching SCP-963-1’s (a small ornate piece of jewelry thought to have anomalous properties),capabilities, and granted access. He subsequently died, but his consciousness was trapped in SCP-963-1.

After much experimentation, it has been discovered that when any living anthropoid comes into direct skin contact with SCP-963-1, the mind of the subject is wiped, and that of Dr. Bright is projected from 963-1 onto the subject. It is known that memories native to Dr. Bright transfer from host to host.

If a subject maintains contact for thirty (30) days, their brain functions become a duplicate of the late Dr. Bright’s. If 963-1 is removed after this time period, the subject retains an independent copy of the consciousness of Jack Bright. Sanctions were put in place to prevent multiple instances of Dr. Bright from being created to prevent Dr. Bright from collaborating with himself, however it was found this was not necessary, as Doctor Bright has proven thoroughly dedicated to the Foundation and its cause.

Ten Weirdest SCPs

Yeah, I’m still on this thing where I look through files about the SCP organization. That place is really a lot weirder than I ever thought it might be. Although there are at least a couple of these that are just joke SCPs, some of these I’m not too sure about.

Enjoy!!

 

SCP 8003 – Talking Penny

This one you’ll have to read for yourself as it defies description, and may not, in fact, exist at all.

http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-8003-j

 

SCP 512 – Umbrella

This umbrella attracts lightning, when held directly above the head of its holder. It only attracts lightning when held directly overhead, and only during inclement weather, otherwise its just a regular umbrella.

 

SCP 799 – Carnivorous Blanket

This object appears to be a typical woolen blanket, that occasionally transforms into a large predator, that lies in wait for someone to wrap themselves in it, and then consumes them.

 

SCP 789 – Haunted Toilet

This is a butt ghost, which only consists of a face, that talks to people while they poop into the toilet. It will stop talking if you poop on it, and can only be gotten rid of by wiping your behind!

 

SCP 1057 – Invisible Shark 

I think the above photo is a little misleading, since this is just a tank that holds a shark shaped space in it. The shark cannot be seen by the human eye, or measured by most instrumentation, but is capable of killing and eating anyone who gets inside the tank. As long as you don’t get int the tank with it, then you’re fine.

 

SCP 2852 – Cousin Johnny

This is definitely one of the creepiest of the  cognito-hazards. Cousin Johnny is an alien entity that induces psychotic and cannibalistic behavior in the humans it comes into contact with at parties and weddings. The people it infects have no memory of interaction with the entity, which shows up at their special events masquerading as a previously unknown cousin named John, but after the event is over, the people are induced to brutalize one another in violent rituals.

 

SCP 1728 – Butter Man

Sadly, there are currently no photographs of Butter Man!

A man without a head, whose body exudes a buttery substance from his skin, making him exceptionally slippery, and difficult to contain in the facility.

 

SCP 2662 – Worship Him/F*ck Cthulhu!

A man, voluntarily residing in a containment facility, who has strange tentacles growing from his back. People are compelled to form cults and worship him. Sometimes people from outside the containment facility attempt to break in and hold violent, or sexually ritualistic services in his name, which cause the anomaly a great deal of emotional distress.

 

SCP 123 – I Can’t Believe Its Not Butter

A tub of what appears to be butter, that apparently tastes like butter, but when consumers are informed that it is not, in fact, butter, they react in an incredulous or sometimes disgusted manner.

 

SCP 919 – Needy Mirror

A mirror that compels a person to keep looking into it, making eye contact with their reflection. Should they break eye contact, their reflection will scream, and then burst into flames, until eye contact is returned.

 

SCP 1048 – Builder Bear

This seems ot be a harmless sentient bear, that is friendly and affectionate, except it likes to dismember human bodies, craft them together into a replica of itself, that will  resurrect, and attempt to kill any humans nearby.