Five More Movies Too Scary For Me to Watch Again

(But I Still Like Them)

Here’s a slightly different list from the last one which mostly consisted of movies I didn’t like or didn’t finish, either because they were just bad films, or I had no patience for them. This is a list of movies I actually like. They’re perfectly acceptable and watchable movies where I liked the characters, the plot, and it looks good, but I feel no great urge to watch these again because they were emotionally exhausting, too disturbing, or genuinely too scary, at least they were for me!

Arachnophobia

Stick with me here because there’s a story that goes along with this movie. Yeah, I do have really bad arachnophobia and have had it since I was a little girl. I was the kind of person who used to look for signs of spiders in any new space I walked into. (I have since calmed down about this over the years, though.) The way my memory works I can actually recount the incident that gave me this issue ( but we not gonna talk about that). I can talk about the event that happened to me when I was in college and before this movie was released. I know it happened in that order because after I came home from college was when I saw the trailer, and my Mom would tease me about being scared to watch it. She seemed to enjoy the movie a lot, thought it was pretty funny, and wanted to share this scary movie with me, but I’m one of those (stubborn muth*fck*s is what a friend once called me) who, once she makes it up in her head to NOT do something, I don’t do it!

I was in living in a very nice house one Summer vacation. I was working at the time, but I was also in the house alone because my roommates had all gone home, and I was sitting in my room, lights and TV on, when I saw a tiny little speck near my lamp. It was not a little speck, it was a tiny spider. Yep, I had a spider egg hatch in my bedroom.

To say that I freaked the f*ck out would be an understatement! I was a hot emotional mess for a week! Luckily, I had some of the world’s greatest friends who, once they understood what the hell I was jibbering about, helped me smoke bomb my bedroom (twice) and cleaned and moved all my belongings to another part of the house. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but I was at least able to relax long enough to fall into an exhausted sleep in my own bed after two days of emotional hell. Well, my friends didn’t mock me, kept their smiling to a minimum, and seemed happy to help a damsel in distress.

Mom knew about the spider incident and understood my attitude, but she always encouraged me to move past my fears because if I didn’t at least try they would always control me. (This is from the woman who apparently had some kind of phobia about boats and New York City! What was all that about?!) Eventually, I did agree to sit down and watch it with her, with a bunch of caveats and addendums, like leaving the room if I got too scared, squealing as much as I liked, and covering my eyes if necessary. I got through the first half okay, but covered my eyes and squealed a lot for the last thirty minutes. I didn’t leave the room though, so technically speaking, I did sit through it.

And you know what? It turned out not to be a bad movie although I have not watched it again in the twenty-plus years since then, and I have no plans to watch it again in the future. Personally, I consider sitting through that movie to be one of the bravest moments in all of cinematic history!

The Void

I was not particularly weirded out by the title or the synopsis of this movie. The thumbnail of the movie on Google looked intriguing. So I sat down to watch this with the idea that it would be your typical Lovecraftian pastiche of images culled from his works and got something I wasn’t at all expecting. I more or less understood the film’s plot, and what it was trying to do, but I didn’t expect bizarre nameless cults (although I should have) body horror images (I should have expected that too), and a kind of monster siege, working the night shift sort of film, where everyone dies horribly, except when they don’t stay dead.

It’s easy enough to describe the movie, but any description you give it won’t actually resemble the movie you will be watching, but I’m gonna give it a try. There’s a bunch of people stuck in a hospital on the night shift, only a few of whom are actually medical personnel. The rest are random townsfolk who are trapped in the hospital because some oddly dressed cultists besieged the town and were killing people, so the rest ran to the hospital. There are some weird medical experiments going on in the basement that involve the birth of an infernal creature from a young girl, the opening of Hellish portals, and lots of goo, blood, guts, and some tentacles.

That was as much as I understood, but that doesn’t mean the movie is ineffective. I’ve no great urge to watch it again because it was a genuinely disturbing film whose effect lingers long after it’s over, and I don’t have to watch it again because I clearly remember how uncomfortable I felt while looking at it. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing because there are movies that do this that I have re-watched, and if that is the kind of mood you’re looking for, then by all means, go for it, and tell me how it worked out for you.

Imma wait over here!

Annihilation

I generally like the works of Alex Garland, someone I didn’t pay any special attention to when his career began with The Beach in 2000. I didn’t even watch The Beach. I dismissed it. But then he came out with 28 Days later and I perked up. There was a new cinematic voice in Horror, and I’ve been present for most of his movies since, like Sunshine, Dredd, and Ex Machina. I sat through most of those without issue, and they were all very good, but in 2018 Garland released Annihilation, based on the book by another of my favorite artists, Jeff Vendermeer. When I heard about the movie I decided to read the three-book series, and I enjoyed them, for the most part.

The movie combines all three books of the series into one long story with yet another Lovecraftian theme. A section of the US has been taken over by something called The Shimmer. Elena’s husband went into The Shimmer, which warps biology, and he disappeared. Except he also came back, alone. Intrigued, she and a team of 4 other women go into The Shimmer to explore its purpose, with each woman having her own agenda. Elena wants to find out what happened to her husband. Each of the women find some thing they weren’t expecting which has a profound effect on the rest of their lives.

There are some genuinely panstshittingly frightening moments in this film, like when Elena and her team are attacked by a mutated bear that screams with the voices of the people it’s killed, but beyond that the movie is just weird, and sad, and yeah, there’s that word again, disturbing. It’s not a bad film. I actually like the film. It’s also not particularly hard to watch because it contains some genuine moments of true beauty. But it is another movie where the mood and flavor of it linger long after it’s over, and I have not been in the headspace to be able to watch it.

I will likely watch this again at some point in the future, because it is an effective, thoughtful, and terrifying film, but not yet.

The Revenant

Honestly, this is a great survival horror film, and if you like those types of films you should by all means watch this, but be prepared to feel as if you’ve been emotionally defenestrated in the aftermath. This movie is exhausting on a physical level, too. I just felt wrung out after watching this.

Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy the movie is based on the true story of a man (DiCaprio) who was left for dead in the wilderness by his business partner, (Tom Hardy) who, after killing DiCaprio’s son, went back to the nearest town and made the claim on his half of their business dealings, only to have his partner stumble out of the wilderness several weeks later.

For some reason the most distressing movies for me seem to involve bear attacks, although I do not think I have any kind of bear phobia. DiCaprio’s character braves the worst excesses of trying to survive an environment that is inimical to human life, like snow, freezing water, wild animals, lack of food, and angry Indigenous people, just to enact vengeance on his partner.

This movie just slaps the shit out of you emotionally. Well, it did that for me, but your mileage may vary depending on how much energy reserves you possess. This is another excellent film with great acting, cinematography, and a very compelling story that I will probably never watch again. Or if I do, I’m going to need to rest up, eat my vitamins, and do my breathing first.

The Descent

Oh man was this movie hard to watch, and not because of the monsters. I don’t actually have claustrophobia but this movie might give it to you if you don’t. It’s a harrowing film. I was exhausted and saddened after watching it. The most devastating moment isn’t the deaths at the beginning of the film but something that happens midway through it that completely upends the relationships between the rest of the characters.

A team of women friends decide to go caving in a previously unexplored system after the death of the main character’s husband and child in a driving accident the previous year. The team are attacked by a race of terrifying cannibalistic mutants and taken out one by one until there’s only one of them left. There’s plenty of blood and gore, but that’s not what upset me the most, and no spoilers, but it’s about the characters, comes completely out of left field, changes everyone’s dynamic, and therefore their chances of survival.

It’s a very effective film. I don’t often mind when films do the unexpected or throw something at me out of the blue, especially when it’s as well done as it was here. I didn’t choose these movies because I disliked them. I chose them because I liked them. Some of them are great films, but were so emotionally draining I simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth to put myself through them again anytime soon.

Favorite Campy Horror Films

What I find funny isn’t immediately obvious to a lot of my friends. They don’t know what I might or might not find hilarious, so are hesitant to introduce me to things THEY think are funny.

Plenty of movies make me laugh though, and I’m a huge fan of completely absurdist, campy (and occasionally tasteless) humor. Some of my requirements for making this list is that the plot is ludicrous, but at least one of the actors is taking the plot seriously, and at least one other actor recognizes exactly what type of movie they’re in and is just rolling with it. Sometimes the plot is deeply stupid, trashy (usually because of some implied sexual issue) and/or tastelessly over the top, but everyone in the movie plays it completely straight, or the plot is actually what’s serious and straightforward, but the actor’s reactions are exaggerated.

There is a thin line between Campy, Horror/Comedy, and Parody and not everyone can tell the difference. Sometimes there is a lot of overlap, but most people, even if they can’t describe what it is, know Camp when they see it. For example, Rob Zombie’s Halloween is trashy, but it isn’t Campy. The new Munsters movie however is all Camp. In a Campy film, things tend to be overdone. The color is more saturated, the acting is just a bit long, and the plot is just a bit too of whatever it is. There’s a fine dance of all these elements and too much of one thing, and not enough of another, can put a film in a different subgenre.

Here’s a list of the movies I thought were the most enjoyable and funniest. These are not in any particular order, but there are a number of them from the 80s, since that was the time period in which I first saw them, and quite frankly, I consider the 80’s the great age of Horror movies. As I once said, I think my Mom and I tried to watch every single Horror movie in that ten-year period. The Horror movies of the 90s were a lot less Campy than the ones from the 80s.

Fright Night (1985)

If I were making a numbered list this would definitely be in the top five. This movie was so much fun, and not just because the vampire, Jerry Dandridge, played by Chris Sarandon, was having so much fun in his role, but because of the addition of Roddy McDowell, who is a wonderful actor who has to play a has-been Horror movie actor who is also a failed television movie host, named Peter Vincent. Vincent is the one who thinks the situation is insane, but once he realizes it’s real and incredibly dangerous, wants no part of it. He starts out as an unethical and cowardly man who eventually steps up to the plate to become a brave and surprisingly compassionate hero. The movie is also enlivened by the performance of Stephen Geoffreys as a sympathetic and completely over-the-top villain named, appropriately enough, Evil Ed, which is more of a clue as to what type of movie this is. Actually, the only characters who take the plot at all seriously are the two leads, Amy and Charlie, played by Amanda Bearse and Wm. Ragsdale.

Death Becomes Her (1992)

I absolutely love this movie (despite its problematic depictions of fatness). Madeline (played by Meryl Streep) is a vain, insecure, formerly great actress, who keeps stealing the boyfriends of her childhood friend Helen (Goldie Hawn). Tired of this dynamic after Madeline steals yet another boyfriend, Helen embarks on a revenge scheme that involves taking a potion that makes her beautiful and immortal. She hatches a plan with her ex-boyfriend (an unrecognizable Bruce Willis) to murder Madeline. Unknown to both him and Helen, Madeleine also takes the potion, and hijinks ensue as the women find out the hard way that although they can’t die, they can be killed.

The movie has the feel of a comedy of manners, (because of the various misunderstandings and mix-ups), except no one in this movie has any manners. No one in this movie is at all serious about this utterly ridiculous plot, delivering their lines with a wink and a nod, with the sole exception of Isabella Rossellini as the potion provider, who acts as if she is in some grand gothic Horror cinema, while everyone else is in a torrid soap opera. This was my first exposure to Meryl Streep the comedian, and she is absolutely hilarious, as a character whose body has started to break down after she is murdered, but my all-time-favorite line is Helen telling Madeline (after Madeline breaks her neck in a fall) that she won’t speak to her until she gets her head on straight!

At the time the movie was released in 1992, the special effects were groundbreaking as it was the first time CGI had been applied to living, moving actors. This movie is now a Cult Classic in the LGBTQ community, btw. If you haven’t seen (or even heard about) this, it’s well worth watching.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Anytime I have such fond memories of a movie that I start laughing when I hear the title, it definitely means the movie has made my favorites list! I absolutely love this movie and it’s Elvira who sells it with her patented blend of sexy and snarky, which is never mean-spirited. Most of the humor involves Elvira getting herself into silly situations about which she has to make smart-ass remarks before rescuing herself. In this, her first film, she inherits a small town Gothic home from her Aunt, and is menaced by her Uncle who is hunting for a Witch’s grimoire he thinks is hidden within it. This gives Elvira plenty of opportunity to deploy her snarky little side-quips (the bread and butter of the movie) against the self-righteous townsfolk. The movie is very deliberately Camp, but only Elvira seems to understand that’s the case, and she occasionally breaks the fourth wall with a wink and smile to the audience.

The actress (Cassandra Peterson) is also a true Gay icon as she recently came out in her Memoir, Yours Cruelly, where she confessed that she’d been in a relationship with her friend, Theresa Wierson since 2002.

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

If you enjoyed Multiverse of Madness and the first Spiderman trilogy you have to see where it all began, although technically Evil Dead 2 is a remake of the first movie Evil Dead by the same director, Sam Raimi. Everything that made Spiderman 2 so much fun to watch, and all of the Madness of the latest Doctor Strange movie has its foundation in this one.

I saw this movie when it was released (on a double bill with Robocop), at a ratty little downtown theater and I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard at a movie in my life up to that moment. Picture a 17-year-old girl sitting in a movie theater by herself, laughing uproariously as a man gets attacked by his own hand. Evil Dead 2 is a deeply stupid film, but only maybe two of its characters understand that. Ash, the hero of the movie is an over-the-top clown, but one of the other characters, a female scientist of some kind acts like she’s in a perfectly straight Horror movie. This is one of Sam Raimi’s greatest films. Everything in it is overdone, extremely loud, and unashamedly, unabashedly frantic, from the music to the dialogue, and even the camera work.

The movie is a lot, and despite all the colorful gore, is actually great for teenagers who like Horror movies that aren’t quite that horrible.

Big Trouble In Little China

The best character is the one who has no idea that he is not the hero of this movie, and that is the arrogant, self-referencing, and derpy Jack Burton, played by Kurt Russell. Most of the movie is shown from his point of view, he narrates the movie and thinks of himself as a lovable scamp, but the actual hero of the film is Dennis Dun as Wang Chi, who commits numerous heroic acts, saves the day, and the girl, and plays all of the ridiculous shenanigans in this movie completely straight. Kim Cattrall plays a breathless and overconfident Gracie Law, James Hong (from Everything Everywhere All At Once) is a Fu Manchu parody, and Victor Wong is a Chinese wizard named Egg Shen, which is all you need to know to know what kind of movie we’re dealing with here.

The plot is deeply silly, (and probably exploitative as well since this is the 80s) involving the villain (Lo Pan, aided by his awesome henchmen, The Three Storms) trying to become immortal by sacrificing a girl with blue eyes to his gods, and the only characters who take any of it seriously are the hero (Wang Chi) and the villain (Lo Pan).

Return of the Living Dead

Most of the characters do act like they’re in a serious movie, but this is a movie that knows it isn’t serious at all, as the plot becomes increasingly silly for the audience. We know the movie isn’t to be taken seriously mostly because of the dialogue, and c’mon, the name of the primary company in the movie is called Uneeda which sells cadavers for profit. It’s not the characters that give a sly wink to the audience but the director and writers.

Most of the movie takes place in two small buildings (one a crematorium) with most of the characters being shuttled back and forth between them as the zombies take over the area. The zombies are the fast kind brought about through chemical means, and they also talk. well okay, they only yell for brains, but still. However, the greatest camp moment of the movie is the scene above where the zombies use the ambulance radio to call for more paramedics – so they can eat them.

Return of the Living Dead has its tongue firmly planted in its own cheek.

Vamp

There were quite a number of Camp vampire films made during the 70s, most of them came from the Italian studios, and that put Hollywood off from making vampire movies for a while, but they seemed to rediscover their interest in the 80s, releasing quite a few as Horror comedies. Vamp is one of my top favorites from the era of, what I like to call, the Golden Age of Comedy Horror.

A trio of college boys in an attempt to get into a fraternity, promise to provide strippers for a party. In their search, they stumble across a goofy childhood girlfriend who is working for a millenia-old vampire Queen, and her bug-eating human servants, in the After Dark nightclub, along with a gang of albino bikers (and yeah, the bikers and the vampires get to duke it out!) The movie is a tragedy but what makes it a comedy are the great, blink and you’ll miss them, one-liners by the lead characters, but what makes it Camp is the utterly silent Queen vampire (played by none other than Grace Jones, in what is probably one of her most pants-shittingly frightening roles) giving the audience the middle finger at the end.

And, oh yeah, there’s a little bit of stripping and Grace Jones does something that could loosely be called dancing.

Frankenhooker

There’s a thin line between Horror-Comedy and Camp because the two tend to overlap. I consider a Horror/Comedy to be much more deliberately in-your-face funny. In a campy movie, the humor is just a little bit more subtle or has a sexual element that gives the dialogue, and/or horror scenes, a double meaning. Frankenhooker walks that thin line and works it! On the surface, it appears to be a typical Horror/Comedy, but it’s the sexual component of the plot that makes this movie a little-known Camp Classic.

Everything about this movie is utterly ridiculous, from every element of the plot (supercrack, and exploding hookers) to the acting (wooden), to its dialogue (melodramatic). From its opening scene of death by electric lawnmower to the iconic scene of Frankenhooker walking the streets of, where else but New Jersey, screaming at the top of her stolen lungs: “GOT ANY MONEY?!! WANNA DATE?!!”, this movie doesn’t let up for a single moment.

All of it is incredibly, stupidly, trashy!

The Howling

Some movies don’t seem especially Campy at first, except for a knowing wink and a smile to the audience, which is embodied here in one of the werewolf characters deliberately addressing the audience at the end of the movie. The Howling is one of my favorite werewolf movies and that’s because the Camp is so subtle and well done. Like most Horror movies of the 80s, the scenes are over the top and kind of ridiculous but, if you pay close attention to the dialogue you get that the characters are all smirking at you a little bit. Occasionally, one of the characters will say something as if they know they’re being watched by an outside audience, and the movie is shot in such a way that the creators (namely VFX artist Rob Bottin) want to make the maximum amount of spectacle out of watching someone turn into a werewolf.

For example, this is a process that starts about three times during the film. The first time we don’t get to see it in its entirety because the scene is set in a dark room and interrupted by gunfire, but the second scene, (and we’ve waited for half the movie to see this) is completed in all its closeup, gory, lumpy, squishy detail. The third time, we are all set for a repeat of the second transformation, but we don’t. We get interrupted again.

There’s nothing elevated about the plot, the characters, or the scenery. The characters are rural lower-class peasants, contrasted against sophisticated metropolitan outsiders. The 3 outsiders play everything completely straight as if they don’t know they are in a werewolf movie, but all the rural characters seem in on the secret and are laughing at them and us, and that’s a large part of why this movie is so much fun!

Runners Up

Studio 666

Slaxx

Hell Baby

Good Hair

Zombeavers

The Newest Addition:

Rob Zombie’s Netflix adaptation of The Munsters, which makes no secret of its Campiness, just putting it all out there as brazen as you please! This was released last week, and I really enjoyed it. It was as much fun as I thought it would be although looking at it can be a bit exhausting. It is extremely colorful. He seemed to very much capture the mood and aesthetic of the original. I could have done with more of the Herman and Lilly falling in love plot, rather than the no-count werewolf brother side plot getting so much airtime, but it turned out the plot is a prequel, so we understand why the family moved from Transylvania to Los Angeles.

Odd Things YouTube Recommended To Me

(Why???)

I have no idea why Youtube recommends certain types of videos to me. Sometimes it will recommend things to me from over ten years ago that are not based on anything I’ve been watching recently. I normally don’t search for music videos on Youtube, but I guess this was rec’d to me because of the music post I made before, with none of those videos having anything to do with this type of music, so there’s that…

Not that I don’t like this video. I just think it’s weird that it would recommend Indigenous Rock music, seemingly out of nowhere. I love the clothing (those coats are awesome!) and attitude though, although I’m not too impressed by the actual music. At least it’s upbeat. If this is your bag though, then go for it.

Okay, I was trying to find movies directed by George Plympton and I got nothing until several weeks later and this was Youtube’s answer. I liked this a lot (it’s deeply funny) but I wonder why it couldn’t have given me this video at the time I asked for it.

Plympton’s videos are always very silly and I enjoyed this one.

Just note, I think this video is incredibly funny, but I’m not sure why this was recommended to me at the time it was (a few weeks ago). Okay, I do search for animated shorts like this every year in October, but Halloween was months ago and I don’t recall asking for anything like this recently. There seems to be a significant lag time between what I ask for and what gets recommended. Or maybe the video simply didn’t exist back when I asked for something like it.

This one really resonated with me because there have been times when highly extroverted people latched onto me and determined that we were going to be friends regardless of what I wanted. Not that I didn’t appreciate their friendship but I do understand this lady’s predicament.

This is one of Denis Villeneuve’s weirdest films. I still don’t completely understand what’s going on here, but I enjoyed it, and it probably needs to be made into a movie. I do know why this was recommended to me though. It’s the interaction between requesting short horror films, watching all of the Bladerunner short films, and Villeneuve’s interviews.

I will unashamedly admit to watching cat videos, I generally enjoy most of them, and recently searched for some. So why Youtube decided to offer me tiny goat videos is a mystery. Not that these weren’t fun to watch (and now I want a dwarf goat). I don’t know how or why Youtube makes some choices, although I suspect a bunch of other people also watched cat videos and then searched for tiny goat videos and Youtube thought I might like some too.

For the record, I have never requested tiny goat videos.

Ten Deeply Funny, Weird, (And Sometimes Dangerous) SCPs

These are the types of SCPs that, while they are not joke SCPs, they are still deeply funny, while at the same time, being sometimes dangerous, and still need to be contained. A couple of them are actually capable of ending the world, and while there are a lot of horrible ways for the world to end, a stupid SCP, that could have very easily been contained, is just not the way to go about that.

SCP 2941: Fruit Hate

This is a collection of semi-sentient fruit, that could potentially destroy the world, if the SCP doesn’t keep the fruit emotionally abused, and demoralized. They really are a cute and likable bunch of fruits and vegetables consisting of mushrooms, pears, a banana, a green pepper, and a lime, all of whom have high morale, and self esteem. They are capable of locomotion, love to be complimented, like to greet new people, tell jokes, laugh, and play games.

Unfortunately, when they do things that make them happy, they grow bigger and bigger, with no limit as to size. For example, a couple of button mushrooms, who enjoy each other’s company, are required to be kept permanently separated, lest they doom the world to being crushed by two happy mushrooms, the red delicious apple, who likes to roll around in his containment cell, has been convinced that if he moves, he will awaken the parasitic worm that lives inside him, and the honeydew melon, who loves to be complimented on the roundness of his shell, must be told repeatedly, that he is a hideous cube. Once, an employee accidentally complimented the melon, while it was being carried by a female researcher, and 8 people died, when the melon grew to enormous size, and crushed all who were present.

SCP 1689: Bag of Holding Potatoes

Really, this is it. It’s just a large bag of golden potatoes. An exploration of the realm within the bag, shows there’s nothing else in the bag, but potatoes, possibly leading to a universe full of potatoes. I’m not sure how dangerous this is, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to overturn the bag, to find out how many potatoes could potentially be in it. It is possible to have too much of a good thing.

SCP 1247 ; The Shia Lebeouf Viewer

This is a human male whose brain has been invaded, by some form of fungus, that only allows him to see the face of Shia Lebeouf, no matter the size or shape, of the living, or even dead being that he is looking at. No, this isn’t particularly dangerous to anyone, and he’s not contagious, as far as it’s known, but nevertheless, the ability to see nothing but the face and form of Shia Lebeouf, is quite disturbing, and this poor man should be viewed with a certain amount of compassion.

SCP 1370: Pesterbot

Is the tiniest, cutest, little fan-made robot to ever exist. He is capable of moving about, and speaking, without a power source, which is what makes him anomalous. He is completely harmless to anything and everyone, and can barely stand upright, or balance himself, yet he believes himself to be one of the most dangerous beings in the universe, and is always challenging people, plants, animals, his own reflection, or whatever wanders into his orbit, to battle with him. He likes to brag about how he will destroy whoever or whatever he challenges, how they deserve death at his pincers, and give himself names that are in no way a reflection of who he actually is, his size, or even what he looks like, like: Doombot, Shivatron, and The Despoiler of Mirth! He is so cute that the researchers have to refrain from laughing at him during testing lest they demoralize the little fellow. Pesterbot, as he is popularly known, is very probably, one of the least dangerous creatures in the entirety of the SCP!

018: Super Ball

Remember that scene in Men in Black, when will Smith accidentally released a floating ball from its containment device, and it neatly destroyed MIB headquarters? Yeah. Why is something that looks like the rubber ball from Whammo dangerous? Here:

There’s a reason this is classified as Euclid.

SCP 261: Anomalous Japanese Vending Machine

This machine isn’t actually dangerous, most of the time. It’s mostly just bizarre. It’s a large black machine, with no front glass panel, and can work without a power source. It appears to give people whatever it thinks they want at its whim. When it was opened, it turned out that the machine didn’t actually seem to have any food in it. A person drops in some yen, presses a random number, and the machine will give out a random snack.

When the machine is powered on, normal seeming treats come out of it. The treats sometimes look strange, as if they came from alternate universes, but are at least edible. If it gets used too many times in a row, or used without its power on, it will start to dispense objects that look like food, but are actually poisonous, or even explosive. It has dispensed perfectly normal things, like Coke Zero, but also something called Dragon Twist Pepsi, and Darkside Cola ,a cola which comes out clear ,but turns black after opening it. The machine has also produced unrecognizable snack items, such as a small can of live animals that are cooked after pressing a button on the side, and one time, a tall can of something that blew up, injuring several people.

SCP 3740: The Mighty Ashur

This powerful humanoid is what’s known in the SCP as a class 8 reality bender, who is only kept in check by being incredibly gullible. He is every bit as powerful as he believes himself to be, referring to himself as Ashur, “God of the Air”, a member of an old Abyssinian pantheon, who can control the weather and air currents, speak to flying animals, and control tornadoes, and other meteorological phenomena.

What keeps him in check are the acting abilities of SCP personal, who have also styled themselves as various gods, and occasionally party with him, in exchange for stories of his life. In fact, he believes these people to be: Nieems the Champion of the Wastes, Ulmar the Unbroken, Fott the Vicious, and Ninurtha the Forgotten Sword of Night. He will accept anything told to him at face value, as long as he believes the other person is also a god, which can be easily accomplished with things like card tricks, or turning on a light switch.

Right now, Ashur believes himself to be living in a Chateau, that he conquered after a drunken brawl, at a bar. He believes that the D-class personnel are his servants, the the Mobile Task Force which guards him, and who are required to wear period armor, are his royal guardians, and that the research personnel are fellow gods and heroic figures, like Aldous Manhattan, Slayer of his Enemies, and Bliss Delight, a being of pure energy. Why? Because Aldous told him so, and Bliss zapped him with static electricity one time.

SCP 846: Robo-Dude

Robo Dude, as he likes to call himself, is as cute as the Pesterbot, but a lot less angry. He is basically a small toy robot that has been heavily over-accessorized, with over 300 bits, pieces, gears, tools and weapons, that he has stored in a tiny pocket universe, behind a door, in his belly. The problem is that many of his accessories actually work and are kind of dangerous, themselves. For example, when asked to produce a specific accessory he has named, the door in his torso opens, he produces the tool, and it actually works as if it were real, like his ray blaster, a small flamethrower, a rocket launcher, an actual but tiny assault rifle, and a nuclear grenade (which naturally, no one has asked him to produce.)

Robo Dude is a product of Dr. Wondertainment, a company which rivals the SCP, and insists on making life as interesting and difficult as possible, by creating anomalous (and occasionally dangerous) toys.

SCP 423: Fred

Okay, Fred isn’t actually dangerous. He’s just mildly annoying, and if allowed to roam freely, would probably mess up some of your favorite books. Fred is not a corporeal being. He exists entirely in written form, in various books, except none of the books are his own, and he can transfer himself from one book to another. Fred is a self insert character.

When Fred has successfully transitioned himself into a story, he will become a minor character within the narrative, whose name is always Fred or something similar. This is the only way he can exist. He often appears in stories as an average looking, middle aged, white guy, but if there are no adults, he will show up as a kid. In SciFi stories, without any humans, he will show up as an alien. None of the other characters will notice anything out of the ordinary about him. The only people who notice, are those reading the story, and only those who are especially well read, will even notice that an extra character has been added!

SCP 735: The Insult Box

The Insult Box is a small computer sized box, with a small slot in its side. When a person touches it, it will wake up ,and begin insulting the person who touched it. It seems to know far too much about the person, as its responses are deeply personal, and always hostile. The motivation for this appears to be making its subjects fly into a rage and attempt to bash it. Since it’s made from an unknown metal, their activities are unsuccessful. The machine emits a magnetic pulse, of some kind, to drive the person’s emotions to extremes, as their adrenaline revs out of control, and it appears to be mildly telepathic, as well. It can speak in any known language, and will even tailor its voice, and manner of speech, to be the most annoying, upsetting, or rage inducing, to its subject.

Is it trying to get itself destroyed? Is the rage it induces a form of therapy? Is it testing the person’s fitness? No one knows.

Haberdasheries and Hemoglobins On Youtube

Today, I have decided to laugh.

Okay, maybe its not all sweetness and light, but I find Youtube amusing and interesting, as I carefully curate the things on my dashboard, to minimize bullshit. Here’s a list of ridiculousness that I stumbled across, and a short list of Youtubers I subscribe to. This is maybe half of them, but its a pretty good snapshot of the subjects that most interest me.

 

Tony Baker Voiceovers

From now on, I’m going to use the word “The Skibbity Pap”,  every time I love smack one of my nieces or nephews on the back of the head. These Tony Baker videos have been around for years, but they’re new to me, and I just love them. Whenever I need a quick pick me up, I just put on one of these, and I’m soon crying for a completely different reason!

Also “skibbity pap” just sounds like the kind of thing that cats would call those love smacks they enjoy giving to anyone, or anything, that wanders into their orbit.

 

 

Two things that are  deeply funny to me, are how the animals love to sing R&B songs to themselves, when they’re alone, and continuing adventures of Rudy, and his dogs.

 

 

The Patriot Act

ASMR: signifies the subjective experience of “low-grade euphoria” characterized by “a combination of positive feelings and a distinct static-like tingling sensation on the skin”. It is most commonly triggered by specific auditory or visual stimuli, and less commonly by intentional attention control.

This is one of the weirdest/funniest videos on Youtube, as Hasan Minhaj, from Patriot Act, gets in on that whole ASMR experience, by helping you relax while you’re doing your taxes. Watch the whole thing!

 

 

Beau of the Fifth Column

The first time I stumbled across one of Beau’s videos, I did what maybe a lot of people did, and skipped past it, because I really didn’t want to be bothered by yet another opinion video, from a straight white guy, about social issues that didn’t affect him. I’ve had my absolute fill of white men, “objectively” playing devil’s advocate on  social issues.

But his videos kept being recommended to me, so I gave one a try, and was pleasantly surprised by how open and level headed he is. I don’t always agree with the things he says, but he always clearly, and honestly explains what, and why, he believes it, in a way that doesn’t talk down to the viewer, or occlude the issues with erasure and lies.

The titles of the videos are often misleading, but once you start watching, you realize that he is someone who thinks very differently from most people (even me) about a thing.

 

 

 

CinemaWins

I am more than a little tired of this idea, that more than a few people deeply believe, that criticism must be negative. I keep trying to tell people that any opinion, whether its positive or negative, is actually a critique of whatever  you just consumed, because that’s what “criticize” means. Yes, loving something, and stating why, is a perfectly valid critique.

This critic says he originally started this channel as a rebuke to the Cinema Sins Channel, (which I hate). I chose this particular video because I love this movie as much as he does, and for all the same reasons.

 

 

Jesse Dollamore

I knew what I was getting into when I stumbled across Dollamore’s videos, because I started watching him back in the days when he was taking down the low hanging fruit that is Tomimo Laurencias stupid ass. At least part of the reason I like his videos are the incredible insults he levels at trump and his cronies, because they’re almost poetic. Feckless moron, and googly-eyed nitiwt, are what come to mind. I love a good, and well delivered, insult.

 

 

La Guardia Cross

Papa La Guardia says:

New Father Chronicles began in November of 2014 when my daughter Amalah was 1-week-old. I had no idea what I was doing, so I decided to chronicle my journey on YouTube and make fun of myself along the way. Our 2nd daughter, Nayely, was born in April of 2017.

My channel is filled with the silly adventures I have with my girls, infant and toddler interviews, my interpretations of their babble, silly skits, and the things I’ve learned or unlearned as a parent. Sometimes Leah and I mix it up a bit and share some pretty personal moments as well. Why? Well, we’re far from perfect and we’ve learned a lot from our mistakes.

This was one of the first videos I ever saw, and its at least a couple of years old as his baby girls are about three and five now, and I’m not sure where I heard of it, or what I’d watched, that this was recommended to me.

 

 

 

Renegade Cut

Okay, these are just really good reviews, and the critic makes an effort to make his critiques relevant to real world events, like this one about how Black peopel have always been talking about police brutality, which has permeated almost all of our tele-visual arts.

 

 

 

Sir Stevo Timothy

I’m not sure how this video got recommended to me. I thought it was funny, but still  wasn’t quite  sure what to think, when I saw the first one, so I did a little research to figure out who the hell this guy was. it turns out that this character is a parody of a certain type of racist, loud, old, ignorant, Irish uncle. He manages to make the things he says so stupidly ridiculous that you cannot possible take his opinions seriously, and even manages to slip in  some progressive thoughts, if you pay attention.

This video is one of my favorites because no matter how hard he tries, he is simply incapable of ignoring that his passenger is a Black man (from Dublin).

 

I’m probably not supposed to laugh this damn hard at these videos.

 

 

 

The Fish Locker

This video doesn’t seem like it fits anything else on this list, but  its surprisingly soothing to watch this guy combing the rocky beaches of Scotland for seafood, with his wife and son.

This is like ASMR beach combing.

 

 

 

Tkviper

And here are the real ASMR videos of Tkviper just walking the many different streets of Japan, while its raining different types of rain.

 

 

 

Aeon Flux

Does anybody remember these cartons from MTV’s Liquid Television, in the 9os? I remember watching hte hell out of these at the time. I think I still have the full DVD set.

My Favorite Memes of the Past Ten Years

What is a Meme?

A meme is a virally-transmitted photograph that is embellished with text that pokes fun at a cultural symbol or social idea. The majority of modern memes are captioned photos that are intended to be funny, often as a way to publicly ridicule human behavior. Other memes can be videos and verbal expressions.

I spend a lot of time on Tumblr, which, much like Twitter, is meme central. Here’s a list of some of my all time favorite memes from the past ten years. I generally do not have a strong meme game, but I try.

******

I love this one because this perfectly describes me and my mother’s relationship, when it comes to me talking about things like superheroes, and some of the movies I like. Of course, that’s me, on the right, when Mom is enthusiastically describing whatever happened on her soap operas that day…

I’ve seen this meme all over Tumblr, and quite frankly, it describes a lot of people’s relationships with any one of  their enthusiastically geeky family members. You just know that poor woman has no idea what the hell that girl is crying about, just like I have no idea of this meme’s origin story.

 

 

This is one of the many faces you simply cannot get away with making at your White co-workers because you will probably get written up or something. You can only do this face, when you’re discussing whatever nonsense you endured, to your Black friends, at some later date.

Here’s the thing, I have no idea what show this is from. I think it might be Parks & Rec, or The Office, but I’m not sure. I only know this guy’s face from this meme becasue I never watched either show. Its like that sometimes on Tumblr. I only know what has happened on a show I don’t watch through the gifs that appear on my dash.

 

 

Sometimes I do know a memes origins, and that’s why this is one of my favorites.This is from Quinta B’s short lived video series, about being an awkward Black girl, titled “Don’t Tell Me To Relax”. Quinta B is currently starring in The Black Lady Sketch Show on HBO, and she  is one of the funniest Black women in comedy.

I love this image because her facial expression is absolutely perfect. That is the expression you wear when you know you’re right, the other person has acknowledged that you are right, and  you  want to just be a smug asshole…

…or this is twelve year old me winning a game of Uno!

 

 

 

This is Linnethia Monique “NeNe” Leakes from the show, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, which I have never watched. I only know her from her gifs and memes. In fact, I never did find out what she “said” she said, but Nene is the meme of every emphatically correct Black woman on the internet. “Don’t explain back  to me what I just said. I know what I said!”

 

 

 

This one is called calculating woman. I have no idea where this is from, so I probably could use this meme, to explain my confusion, about who the hell this woman is.

I do know why I find this one funny.This is the look Black people wear when seeing White people do something inexplicable, like walking on the sidewalk in their bare feet.

 

 

I know these are two separate memes, but I have only ever seen the two of them paired together. I only like this because my mind is very literal when it comes to this set of images, although its pretty much used everywhere on Tumblr. I would be outraged if a smug little cat sat itself down at my dinner table, too. I also know that any cat would be completely unperturbed by me screaming at them.

 

 

 

The woman in this meme spoke about what it was like to actually become a meme. She says that although how its been used is pretty funny, it wasn’t about her squinting incredulously at anything. She said she made that face because, before this pose, she’d been in a kneeling position, and when she stood up, her knees hurt!

Either way, I can understand both of those moods.

 

 

 

I’ve only ever seen both these  memes used in conjunction with people complaining about  colonizing, or appropriation. They’re both so very different, but are almost always used to mean the same thing, often used in conjunction with the term Wypipo!

 

Bonus!

The “Some of You Have Never …And it Shows” Meme

Some Of You Have Never…

 

 

 

 

More Scary Mini-Movies

Hey, have some more short films involving horror and the supernatural.

 

Looking Glass

This one was a favorite of mine, mostly for its simple black and white style of animation, which is really very effective, and a  mirrorverse story is always gonna be especially creepy.

 

A Scary Short

I didn’t know whether to laugh at this or cry.  It’s not exactly scary, so much as it is the main character being deeply stupid, so  this will have you yelling at your computer screen. So yeah, this  definitely classifies as  a kind of  horror/comedy.

 

 

Mimic

Oh, this one is really creepy. I kept wondering if I’d posted this before though. If so, please forgive me because this is a really effective little movie.

 

 

Umbra

This isn’t scary in the “gotcha” kind of way, but in the slowness and surreality of dreams type of way. I loved this very simplistic animation here, which  worked very well for this odd little story.

 

 

Peripheral

Here’s something suitably bleak for Halloween.

 

 

 

The Passenger

More horror comedy. I can always be caught up by a good laugh, and a good scare, and I simply could not stop laughing at this.

 

 

Hambuster

This one is a repost from last year, because it’s one of my all-time favorites. Its gory,  disgusting, and utterly ridiculous!

Weekend Reading: Random Edition

Scarlett Johansson is at it again, signing up to play a transgender man, Dante Gill, in a movie called Rub and Tug, and directed by the same guy who fucked up the Ghost in the Shell movie. Apparently, these two  have not learned one damn thing about appropriating, and/or whitewashing, the stories of marginalized people. Why is this appropriation? Here, have an essay!

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/07/scarlett-johansson-playing-a-trans-man-makes-no-sense.html

When Hollywood insists on casting across gender, it hurts trans people by reinforcing two ideas: First, that trans men are “really” women (and vice versa); and second, that trans people are always visibly trans. The idea that trans people are pretending to be something we’re not is at the root of most of the hatred we’re subjected to, hatred that sometimes leads to violence—

@@

I stumbled across this little post about the toll, that White people calling the police on random Black people, has on the police dispatch workers, who take these calls. I used to wonder what the hell the dispatchers were thinking when they received such calls, and it did indeed skip my mind, that a great many of them are Black, that they receive calls like this all day ,every day, (we only know about the ones that go viral) and they have no choice but to take the calls. She talks about what an emotionally draining job it is to be Black, and taking these types of calls, where the callers make no secret about WHY they are calling.

The woman who wrote this article clearly states that the reason these people are calling the police is they are racist bigots. The yare calling becasue they want Black people to be removed from spaces they think are theirs, or punished for being in that space. She also talks about how the police are required to answer every single call. They have no choice about it, and many of the cops she knows, are every bit as sick of these non-emergency calls, as the random Black people these calls affect, because they are a complete waste of their time.

https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/5/30/17406092/race-911-white-lady-calls-police-on-black-family-bbq-oakland

You swallow your cold oatmeal, you roll your eyes at your cubicle mate, and you enter the call for eventual dispatch even though you wish you could pretend you never got it. (If you don’t enter the call and something happens, you could lose your job for negligence.) Then you grab the next call.

@@

That said, it is time for ALL OF us to hold a special day for Black people, to  call the police, on any random White person, that wanders into our orbIt. Why? Because we are some petty muthafuckas, who are tired of this bullshit! Karen got on yoga pants in the office? Call ’em! Don  looking at you with pursed lips or a smirk?That’s just suspicious! Call’em! Suzan getting too loud with her mega grande, cafe latte, half mocha decaf order at the Starbucks? Call’em! cuz she can’t possibly drink that much coffee, without passing out!

https://www.theroot.com/10-wypipo-we-need-to-call-the-cops-on-1827294334

8. Lena Dunham and Post Malone

They just make me feel uncomfortable.

 

@@

I cannot stress enough how important it is to watch Nannette, by Hannah Gadsby, available on Netflix now. Its probably one of the finest standups I’ve ever  watched, and I’ve seen some of the great ones. She is up there with Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, when she was at the top of her career, and George Carlin. 

Hannah talks about being  transgender, and non-binary, while living in Tasmania, childhood bullying, the foundations of comedy, and the confluence of sexism and art.  It’s a really incredible piece of work, and although Gadsby  announced their retirement, from comedy, right in the middle of their special, I hope they change their mind, and continue to bring their insights to the rest of us.

https://newrepublic.com/article/149545/nanette-rewrites-history-art

 

@@

There’s a subset of men who hate women who call themselves MGTOWS (Men Going Their Own Way). Except there’s only one little problem. They don’t ever go their own way. What they do is sit on the internet harassing women, and spending endless hours fantasizing about the day women are going to need them.

Here’s an article about Women Going Their Own Way, and how they seem to actually be doing what their name suggests, which is going their own damn way, and not sitting around, obsessing about the men who won’t date them.

https://www.curbed.com/2018/6/20/17479740/living-alone-tips-women-advice

Solitude is often considered a privilege when we can afford to choose it and a punishment when it’s thrust upon us, and the same seems to extend to solo-living situations: Moving out to a place of one’s own for peace, quiet, and privacy is an occasion for congratulations, while living alone as a result of being abandoned or left behind is a much more pitiable affair. In other words, there’s an assertive, active image of living alone and there’s a sad, passive image of living alone.

@@

Just a little post about how the Greats of history became  great in the first place. They had servants to take care of their day to day shit, like washing things, and preparing food.

transcoranic

how the fuck did all of those renaissance dilettantes learn so much crap? Like they spoke 3 languages and were foremost in several branches of science, plus they wrote poetry, played the violin, and were master artists? And they still had time to be gay?

vassraptor

none of them ever did any laundry at all

lettherebedragons

The emotional and physical labor necessary to maintain the lifestyles of Renaissance and Enlightenment polymaths was shunted almost entirely to their uncredited servants, slaves, wives, and daughters.

Whenever we compare ourselves to the ‘genius men’ of the past, and wonder why we fall so short, remember this: their intellectual capacity, energy, and freedom was because there was someone else washing the damn dishes.

Source:transcoranic

 

@@

We’ve all been there:

 

 

 

@@

We still feeling the effects of the Black Panther movie which was released months ago. Here Tiffany Haddish, from Girl’s Trip, spoofed one of the best fight scenes n the movie, when she hosted the BET Awards.

@@

You have to watch this whole video. I guarantee that you will not see where this video is going, and you will laugh your ass off. It’s a journey!

Here’s another of my favorite gang fight videos. If I had to see this then you have to see it!

 

@@

I am totally here for this EPIC Art feud between the artist, Stuart Semple, and his arch-nemesis, Anish Kapoor. Yes, you have to read the entire thing. This is a SAGA!

gay-jesus-probably

Alright sit down for some Art World Drama bcause this is what I live for.

So, sometime last year (?) science invented Vantablack, which is the darkest possible shade of black. Art world got incredibly excited. But as it needs to be very carefully made in a lab, it’s hard to get a hold of, and is extremely expensive. Enter Anish Kapoor, aka FuckFace McGee. Anish Kapoor buys the rights to Vantablack. He is the only human being on the planet that can legally use it, and he’s kind of a prick about it.

Art world is not thrilled with that.

Enter Stuart Semple.

Stuart Semple is an artist, and also makes pigments to sell in his free time. Stuart Semple is astoundingly pissed about this Vantablack nonsense, and Anish Kapoor’s dickery. Stuart Semple makes a new pigment, the brightest shade of pink ever, called Pinkest Pink, and puts it for sale on the internet. To be bought by everybody except Anish Kapoor. Literally, to purchase, you need to confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, do not associate with him, and will not sell or give the pigment to Anish Kapoor or his associates. Art world has a good laugh, everyone buys Pinkest Pink because it’s awesome, and damn it we deserve something.

Anish Kapoor however is a penis, and will not take this lying down, because HOW DARE he not have literally everything.

Anish Kapoor gets his London associates to buy him a thing of Pinkest Pink, and being such a classy human being, posts a picture to instagram of him with his middle finger covered in Pinkest Pink, captioned with “Up yours. #pink”

Everyone flips shit, because. Y’know. Fuck that guy. Especially Stuart Semple. For context here, Anish Kapoor is one of the richest artists on the planet, and has repeatedly been referred to as everything wrong with the art world, and the epitome of the art worlds elitism problem. He’s a giant douchebag. Meanwhile Stuart Semple makes pigments just to get them out there. He turns 0 profit from his now enourmously popular pigments.

Stuart Semple launches an investigation as to who the fuck leaked Pinkest Pink, and plans to strike back. He does so by releasing two new products. First is Diamond Dust, which is a glitter made from glass, so that a painting is still visible after it’s applied, but glitters like a mofo. It’s the most reflective glitter out there, and is available to everyone who isn’t Anish Kapoor. And it being made of glass, if you stick your finger in there, it’s going to hurt quite a bit, so that was Stuart Semple’s way of saying “shove your middle finger in this, asshole, see what happens”. Except without saying that, because he can get an insult across while still being fucking classy.

He also releases Black 2.0, created with the help of over a thousand artists worldwide.

Black 2.0 is the answer to Vantablack. Black 2.0 is a slightly less black black, but looks functionally the same to the human eye. It’s completely safe, smells like cherries, and costs four pounds. Vantablack is highly toxic, potentially explosive, needs to be applied in a special laboratory and sealed properly, can’t be moved across borders, can reach 300 degrees celsius if you’re not extremely careful, and costs thousands of dollars. Anish Kapoor is the only human being who can use Vantablack. He is the only human being who cannot use Black 2.0.

So I think we can guess who got the better deal.

And thus the feud ends, Kapoor defeated.

…But not quite.

Kapoor, in this entire afair, has made exactly two comments to the public. The first being his charming message about aquiring Pinkest Pink, the second being claiming to Buzzfeed that he and his small army of lawyers will be suing Semple, an extremely poor artist who cannot afford a lawyer.

No lawsuit has been made yet, fyi.

The point is, Kapoor is a prick, and doesn’t like talking to the lower classes. So one day in July 2017, he decides he needs another floor on his London studio apartment, and starts making arrangements to have it built. His neighbors are fucking pissed, because this will ruin the light of their apartments. They call to Semple to save them, or at the very least piss Kapoor off some more.

Semple answers to the call, and releases two new paints, Phaze and Shift, as always, banned to Kapoor. They change colours, Phaze with temperature, and Shift is just iridescent. Shift needs to be painted over Black 2.0 to work, and Phaze just works on its own.

So that’s been the art world for the last two years.

Basically, get fucked Anish Kapoor your bean sucks and so does your vantablack.

todayiwrotenothing

Stuart Semple is organising a bean-kissing event for Anish Kapoor’s birthday.

 

@@

We are probably not supposed to be talking about the link between the Dark Monster Below, (Bless His Forthcoming Eternal Reign), and his devoted disciples, the Bi-Sexuals! Question: Does being an LGBTQ ally make you complicit in the Dark Monster’s eventual takeover of Earth?

I’m just asking.

bistuffandthings Deactivated

“Bisexual women get energy from other women and then turn around and put that energy into working out their relationships with men”

Can anyone even explain what this means? What is this “energy”??

bistuffandthings Deactivated

Bi women perform seances to absorb the youth of past wlw which they use to appear more attractive to men

merengae Deactivated

A bi woman once absorbed all my energy and i couldnt help goku form a spirit bomb

jollityfarm

But it’s a huge hassle, handling your Dark Bisexual Powers.  Especially when you’re new to it all.  Like, say you date five girls in a week.  That gets you at least ten (10) POWER ORBS.  You store them in your body and if you’re not careful they’re released whenever you come into contact with any man.

I’m just saying that when I was thirteen, I shook a guy’s hand and he exploded.

winneganfake

We should note- this only applies to bi women. Bisexual men on the other hand, drain the energy from literally everyone around them to feed to the Dark Monster Below, may his day of rising come soon.

nudityandnerdery

I can neither confirm nor deny these facts, in the name of the Dark Monster Below, may His Calamity anoint us all.

adulthoodisokay

I’m just gonna clarify that while bi woman don’t necessarily feed energy to the Dark Monster Below, we still Await Its Coming.

thoseindarkness

Everything you need to know about bisexuals!

@@

I was laughing about these photos for days. And yeah, I’d have a fucking heart attack, at the thought of my nieces and nephews playing on one of these contraptions. I mean, look at these things. They are massive constructs designed for children to play on. Parents really didn’t give a shit whether or not their kids lived or died back then, I guess. Talk about the literal “Survival of the Fittest”!

 

source: https://insh.world/history/playground-equipment-of-yesterday-that-would-give-todays-parents-cold-sweats/

 

Black Panther Humor

I think you heard about those attempts to get White people to NOT go see the Black Panther movie, by posting false images of White people who’d gotten beat-downs for showing up at the theaters. It seems the template  these assholes were working from, came from the 80s, when a couple of movie theaters in California had riots at a showing of Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing. For the past thirty years White bigots (and the news media, but really, what’s the difference) have been desperately hoping that something like would happen again.

Now you know,  once Black Twitter got wind of this, it was all bets are off. They really should’ve known better than to come for BP with that nonsense. 

— All these tweets were instantly and easily debunked; reverse image lookup toolsmake it easy to trace how the pictures of the bleeding “victims” were taken from stock-footage sites, TV shows, or legitimate news stories about domestic assault or other real attacks. Twitter users begin rapidly vetting each new false assault claim, responding to the posters by revealing their image sources. Twitter has suspended some of the accounts posting false assault claims.

https://www.theverge.com/2018/2/19/17029742/black-panther-fake-assault-stories-twitter-response-mockery-humor

But the  tweet to end  all other tweets, was this magnificent response, that for some reason, made me picture John Boyega in one of the lead roles. Brace yourself for  the funniest true life story on the internetz, involving a robot, time travel, babadooks,  and the monster from It Follows. This needs to be a movie now.

 @FearsomeCritter

FollowFollow @FearsomeCritter

More

So I went to see #Blackpanther today, but as I tried to go into the theater I was approached by 4 black youths. They said “Old man, you can’t go into that theater.” “Why not?” I asked. They answered “Because that Theater’s full of Babadooks.” (Thread)

11:18 PM – 17 Feb 2018

1. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

2. Now, I’ve dealt with Babadooks before, and these kids were really young, they all looked like they were 16. So I was like “Ok, you guys stay out here and I’ll go check it out.” They shouted after me, but stupidly I didn’t listen.

3. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

4. So I went into the theater, and sure enough it was a whole nest of Babadooks. I was in over my head! I might have been able to sneak back out when I accidentally stepped on some discarded pop rocks, which started fizzing from the moisture on my shoe.

5. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

6. Now the babadooks were awake and I was cornered. Suddenly the youths ran in, they had rad glowing shoes and they got the babadooks off me by doing kickflips off the wall. They really knew what they were doing.

7. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

8. We were too far away from the exit, but we were able to hole up in the the projection booth. The kids introduced themselves. Two boys: Muhammad and Daniel, and two girls: D.C. and Frankie.

9. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

10. I knew something was up because they had clear babadook fighting skills, so I confronted them! After some hemming and hawing they let me in on the secret. Turns out I was right… they were time travelers!

11. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

12. We hatched up a plan to get out of the booth, Frankie slid my phone past the ‘dooks then used hers to call. My ringtone “Sloop John B.” Confused the critters long enough for us to make our escape.

13. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

14. Unfortunately though, I couldn’t keep up with them, and soon I found myself surrounded by babadooks… Now, I need to make a confession, it’s pretty embarrassing, but it’s vital that you know why things happened the way they did…

15. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

16. When I was younger I wasn’t very smart or careful. So some years ago I picked up an It Follows. I’ve been managing it pretty well, and I think it’s not a particularly bad one, but an It Follows has to do what an It Follows has to do.

17. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

18. So at this point my It Follows shows up, like it usually does. Here’s the thing: As it turns out babadooks and It Followses are natural enemies. So the babadooks go nuts! They swarm my It Follows and forget about me.

19. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

20. Then Frankie comes back into the theater. She dives into the swarm of Babadooks and explodes! She was a robot!

21. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

22. The other kids come in “Hey old man, are you alright?” I look at the pile of ashes that was the Babadooks and my It Follows (here’s hoping anyway) and Frankie’s gone.

23. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

24. I get really sad… even if she was a robot she sacrificed herself so I could get away. Then I see my phone under one of the seats, It says “New Download Frankie.exe”

25. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

26. Turns out she downloaded her consciousness onto my phone when she borrowed it, just in case. I’m ecstatic, the youths do celebratory kickflips everything is alright!

27. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

28. Then a strange magenta portal appears, the kids have to go back to their time. I text Frankie to Daniel and say bye to these excellent young babadook fighters. Then I leave the blown up theater.

29. Rodrigo ☠Lopez‏ @FearsomeCritter Feb 17More

30. So I guess what I’m getting at is I didn’t get a chance to see #BlackPanther SO DON’T SPOIL IT FOR ME! (END)

@@

Black Nerd Problems had to get in on this post by discussing, in humorous detail, how each member of the writing  staff was getting ready for The Ascension:

Passport To Wakanda: How To Get Your Black Ass Ready For An Audience With The King

— To get back to my birthright, I’ve changed my name to something with a Z and an apostrophe in it. I have taken to wearing hoods everywhere I go, so I can look mysterious. When it is cold, I also wear a cape. I open my corporate emails with “To the People,” and close them with “For Wakanda”. My boss is too scared to ask me why. I bought a staff and a spear, which I practice with in the backyard. Well, maybe not “practice”. Ok, I *have* a staff and a spear. Actual practice would tire me out before the movie comes. I thought about using them to go out and solve crimes—I love Black Detective Twitter and NCIS: Los Angeles (the one with LL Cool J) but this ain’t Wakanda yet. This place won’t let me be great, but one day, one day soon… – Leslie

@@

In the new trailer for Infinity War, Okoye got jokes:

@@

People are getting funny on Youtube:

@@

Sometimes y’all just mean:

@@

We got memes:

When life imitates art. #BlackPanther

And there’s even a Black Panther Dance Challenge:

@@

On a more serious note, have more essays:

https://www.peoplesworld.org/article/black-panther-villain-killmonger-is-a-symbol-of-black-pain/

https://rollingout.com/2018/02/22/black-panthers-killmonger-character-offers-painful-reflection-black-america/

https://www.rollingstone.com/movies/features/black-panther-chadwick-boseman-ryan-coogler-cover-story-w516853

Ten Scary Short Horror Movies

Well, it’s almost Halloween and so naturally, as it does every other day of the year, my mind turns toward scary movies. I can’t out a whole movie on here but I can share with you some of my favorite short films. I like monsters, so most of these have monsters. I like comedies, so some of them are funny and there’s a couple of these that scared the living shit outta m
This movie infuriated me, especially after I realized what was actually happening:

Don’t Move

 

 

You guys know I’m not a  fan of spiders, so I was reluctant to watch this one, but it just so happens it has a surprisingly funny ending:

Itsy Bitsy Spiders

 

 

I saw this one last year, and it stuck in my mind for a whole year, but I’d forgotten where I’d seen it, and the title. It took me some time to find it again, and it’s still scary:

Ghost Story

 

 

Yeah, this one is very, very, creepy:

Mimic

 

 

Yeah, this one is creepy but hilarious, and I think I remember this song from my childhood.

The Cat Came Back

 

 

This is a little longer than the others but it’s worth the wait and it’s  funny.

Waiting

 

 

This one isn’t particularly scary but it has zombies in it and I thought it was deeply cute:

Less Than Human

 

 

Here’s a slightly different haunted house story:

Vienna Waits For You

 

 

This isn’t what it seems:

Midnight Snack

 

 

Okay, this is the one that made me actually scream  out loud:

The Thing In The Apartment

 

Hope you enjoyed these. I’ll have some more on Halloween!

 

 

 

 

Discussions and Linkspam (October 2017)

So it is officially October, which means its time for me to start watching and reviewing horror movies. Its also the start of Pilot season, with new and old shows premiering on network TV. I’ve already watched the new season premiere of The Exorcist and I liked that, along with episodes of The Orville. I have not yet watched The Gifted, and I simply skipped The Inhumans. I may check out the second episode of it though. There are also a few movies I’ll be reviewing this month, too.

 

Mad Max: Fury Road and Disability

https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/from-louis-armstrong-to-the-nfl-ungrateful-as-the-new-uppity/amp

View at Medium.com

http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/2015/06/mad-max-fury-road-makes-rape-arguments-invalid/

http://www.popmatters.com/feature/194573-power-and-disability-in-mad-max-fury-road1/

@@

 

Black Issues:

When I was watching American Gods, we got to see penises all over the place. The show did not shy away from depicting them, but one thing that was absent was any sign of Ricky Whittle’s (as he is the only Black man in the show. ) I do recall a full frontal Black male in Westworld, and I was kinda shocked. Not because of what it was, but because it’s so rare.

Don’t laugh! This is important. #Allblackpenisesmatter!

Yeah, this is a pretty good reason why I don’t, and have never watched almost anything on CBS. (I used to watch the Big Bang Theory until I began to really, really, hate every single one of the main characters on that show.) Nevertheless CBS is very possibly one of the Whitest networks.

https://www.salon.com/2016/05/22/cbs_is_the_gop_of_tv_the_networks_year_of_white_men_coincides_all_too_well_with_the_rise_of_donald_trump/

 

“Ungrateful” is the new Uppity: I don’t think there are enough words to unpack all of the meaning in the word ungrateful. It says far too much about the person using it.

https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/from-louis-armstrong-to-the-nfl-ungrateful-as-the-new-uppity/amp

@@

 

From VerySmartBrothers/The Root

These are some of the funniest articles I read last week:

This is an all important discussion on grits. I guess I must be pretty boujie because I will eat grits with sugar and lot and lots of butter, but  I don’t actually care all that much because I will eat grits with anything in them really. Bacon, sugar, cheese, butter, I don’t really care. For me, grits is the main meal.

http://verysmartbrothas.theroot.com/sugar-on-grits-are-the-white-people-of-breakfast-grains-1818998656

 

I think the author of this piece left out the all-important body language portion of this discussion, because “clapping” is key here. If any portion of these phrases is accompanied by measured clapping, especially during the phrasing, then you best just start planning your funeral,  cuz its already too late.

http://verysmartbrothas.theroot.com/threatening-black-phrases-ranked-1818770473

 

It turns out I have quite a bit of Black Privilege, especially #s 18, 16, and 15. Hell, I can’t fight worth a darn, but apparently I look like I can, and have two sisters (and a brother) who love to throw down.

http://verysmartbrothas.theroot.com/types-of-black-privilege-ranked-1818633495

@@

Everything Wrong with The Big Bang Theory

 

I started watching this show as a favor to a friend who was really into it, and I enjoyed it for a while. When it first aired, I avoided it because I did not like Penny, and after I started watching it regularly, there were a whole host of things I began to actively hate about the show. One of the first things that worked my last nerve was my ideas about  Penny were correct. Penny is a dumb, incurious, basic Becky, with a certain amount of snark, a that snark is only used in service of making fun of the male nerds of the show. 

But my greatest issues were the show’s depiction of  women, and its treatment of  Raj. To a one, every single woman on the show has nothing but disdain, and contempt, for the nerdy pursuits of the primary characters, and I found it very telling that the show’s writers could not imagine any women who were nerds in the same way the male characters were nerds.

That most of these women are in STEM (Science Technology, Engineering, and Math) fields is not a good substitute for their complete lack of appreciation (and even hatred) for nerd culture. Outside of wanting to be princesses at Disney world, the women are shown as humorless, cultureless, unimaginative nags, who only seem to want sex and marriage. This is a white male nerd’s idea of what women are like and it is wholly inaccurate. Also there are absolutely no women of color on the show (beyond Raj’s sister in the earlier seasons, who seemed to be the template for this.) The showrunners simply could not envision a world where women could be, pretty,  involved in STEM, and actually like and appreciate Star Trek, and Disney princesses too (which is impossible, because every woman I’ve ever known in, also STEM loves Star Trek.)

As for the main characters though:

 

*Here are essays on how the masculinity in Fight Club has a direct bearing on the philosophies of the Alt-Right and Charlottesville. This also ties into my theories of how pop cultural depictions of anti-heroes are often adopted by fringe elements, of White male society, to represent their ideas. Characters like Tyler Durden, and The Joker, get to be the public icons of their philosophies, in the same way that Black gangsta rap culture adopted the mafia figures from movies like The Godfather, and 1980s Scarface.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2016/dec/13/fight-clubs-dark-fantasies-reality-chuck-palahniuk

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/fight-club-2-chuck-palahniuk_us_5845c35ae4b028b32338a632

http://thefederalist.com/2017/03/30/why-fight-club-still-matters/

View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com

@@

 

 

*Recently on Tumblr there was a discussion of the difference in reception of the movies Rough Night, about a group of White women who get into a night of adventures while partying in the city, and Girl’s Trip, which is about a group of Black women doing the same thing while on a trip to New Orleans. Rough Night was a complete flop, while Girl’s Trip went on to make millions and was a huge hit. Both films have nearly identical premises. Leaving aside the racial aspects, the discussion evolved into the depiction of sex workers in both movie’s narratives, and how sex workers are often mistreated in film and TV. Real world sex workers are often subjects of disdain, contempt, abuse and murder, and it was considered irresponsible for Rough Night to show the death, and humiliation of a male sex worker, as a source of comedy.

“First thing’s first: Strippers are people, and sex workers unfortunately have to tirelessly remind people of this over and over. ‘Sex workers are very marginalized groups of people who don’t have the same workplace safety and rights as other workers—and we get murdered a lot,’” says Arabelle Raphael, a porn performer and sex worker in Los Angeles. ‘Our lives are seen as disposable.’ A long-term mortality study on sex workers found that active sex workers have a mortality rate of 459 per 100,000 people—to put that in perspective, the general public mortality rate is around 1.9 per every 100,000 people.”

http://www.vocativ.com/409744/rough-night-film-trailer-draws-ire-of-sex-workers-and-allies/

https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/06/20/does-rough-nights-box-office-flop-indicate-a-cultural-shift-in-how-we-see-sex-workers/

http://affinitymagazine.us/2017/03/09/rough-night-a-comedy-about-murder-and-abuse-of-male-sex-workers/

Laughs For Your Weekend

 

Well, this was a nice photo to greet me on my Tumblr dash. The first shot of Misty Knight with her new Prosthetic arm. Now its not the golden one from the comic books (maybe we’ll see that one later?), but I can see these shows leading to another teamup called Daughters of the Dragon, which stars Misty and Colleen Wing, or even a version of Heroes for Hire.

I still don’t like the idea of a relationship between Danny Rand and Misty, which is what happened in the comic books, but these shows have been changed enough from canon, that that may never come to pass onscreen (and the two of them are no longer together in the comic books, as of a couple years ago.)

This is a scene from season two of Luke Cage, which I’m really looking forward to. It’s unclear if Misty is still a detective, but she’s still hanging with the heroes. I do still  prefer her bouffant from The Defenders, though.

@@

*Like we need drugged up dolphins. They’re bad enough sober…

nyilams

did u kno dolphins puff puff pass:

 

@@

You have to read the entire thread this came from. I can guarantee, after you read it, you will never again watch this video without thinking about it. NSFW!!! This whole damn thread, including the comments will have you crying at your job.

The Brrrrddott part had me in tears!

 

@@

*Welp!

slimetony

Hey people who know astrology shit. I’ve been having a lot of feelings lately. Any planets I can blame that on.

 

chandra-nalaar

Earth

 

@@

 

*I think this pretty much sums up the entirety of this blog!

andieblogs reblogged from

saltmaven

me: man i love this series

me: here’s a 40-page annotated essay on everything i hate about it. every misstep i believe the creators have ever made, complete with citations and a signed drawing of me punching the installment i hate the most in the face

me: still love it tho

@@

 

*This squirrel discourse is truly what Tumblr is all about!

 

teamnowalls

like u ever seen some squirrels fightin in a tree and then one of them will chase the other out of it and keep the fight going in another tree like damn b you won YOU WON MY NIGGA CHILL

 

@@

*Shit, I would smack Taylor Swift, Kim Kardashian, and Kendall Jenner,  for just 8 dollars, 35 cents, and the entertainment factor…

Plenty of others seem to agree.

rihsusvevo

I would do it for free tbh

doomfistsbabymama

*I would pay $5 to slap the shit out of her

 

africanaquarian

I’d smack her for a hershey cookies n cream bar

 

onlyblackgirl

I’d do it for free

Originally posted by ihiphop

 

untilstarsfall

I’d slap her for free and collect the money regardless tbh

 

@@

 

*This man is speaking my life…

@@

 

*I love Black people…!

dynastylnoire

@@

 

*This post would not be complete without some Iron Fist/Danny Rand shade…

allmisfittoyswelcomehere asked:

Danny rand is a Chihuahua: 50% unnecessary anger and 50% shaking

😂😂😂 although honestly I should be offended on behalf of Chihuahuas.

 

 

@@

*I miss SNL, sometimes. This had me laughing so hard, I needed some aspirin…

 

“Do I get stress headaches at work? Yes, definitely. From the moment I get in, it’s “Denise we need this! Denise we need that!” Which is stressful… ‘cause my name is Linda. Denise is the other black woman that works here.

By 10am, someone in the copy room makes a joke about Kobe Bryant, and everyone looks at me to make sure it’s ok. And I smile like it’s ok. But really, my head and neck are starting to throb.

Then I spend the rest of my afternoon training my interns, and answering their questions, like, “Yes, black people use shampoo”, and, “No, I don’t know any good reggae clubs around here”, and, “Yes, Condoleezza Rice is very articulate, why do you sound so surprised?” And, “No, I can’t tell you where to buy weed!” And that’s when I reach for Excedrin.”

@@

 

*Okay, I also propose we just start doing this to every White person that does this thing…

@@

*Yeah, I asked myself these questions, too. Who gon’ turn down Malala, The Nobel Peace Prize winning teenager?

foreverravenclaw

Okay of course I’m happy that Malala got accepted to Oxford, but I really want to know more!

What did she write for her personal essay- “Just google me bitches”?

Did she have to do an interview and if so did she just plonk her nobel peace prize down on the table?

Did her student counselor advise her to apply to other crappier places just in case she wasn’t accepted?

Was there anyone who actually turned down freaking Malala Yousafzai, I need to know!!

 

@@

*Here, have some funny photos. Feel free to caption any or all of them

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiderman Homecoming

 

 

Just in case you hadn’t guessed, there are going to be lots of spoilers. I’m basically gonna be talking about the plot, in detail. So if you haven’t seen this movie, its time to check out of this post, right now.

I’ll wait for you to come back!

 

 

So yeah! I went to see Spiderman Homecoming this weekend, along with about a million other people, because Spiderman totally blew the fuck up this weekend. There are some movies that I get a good feel for their success, and others not so much, but this one I felt good about.  This is an instinct  that’s based entirely on my own own enthusiasm for a movie, so it’s not some infallible thing, where I’m always right.

And yeah, the movie is every bit as entertaining as everyone says it is. I took The Potato with me, and she seemed to really enjoy herself. It isn’t a very deep movie, but I wasn’t expecting depth from a Spiderman movie, so that’s okay. I don’t require every movie be an intellectual exercise, (just Christopher Nolan’s.) Sometimes you just want a movie to be a lot of fun, or bring the feels, and Spiderman does both of those. I found myself more interested in the relationships and dialogue, than the action scenes, although those were good too. I’m also glad to see that they didn’t do an origin story. We’ve had a bunch of those already.

I don’t normally see movies with teenagers in them, as most of the time they aren’t written very realistically as teens, and they always look like people with mortgages. I’ll tolerate a high school setting for the sake of a good story, but I generally don’t seek out material with that setting, on purpose.That said, I really enjoyed this because these are some of the most realistically written teens I’ve seen in a movie. I especially enjoyed these kid’s relationships with their parents, and the parents relationships to their kids, which is often written as being fraught with emotional drama, with sullen and unlikable teens. I even liked most of the kids. I liked that they looked, dressed, and acted like kids, instead of runway models, or future serial killers.

Most of the drama remains between Peter and  Michael Keaton, as The Vulture, or Peter messing up a situation that was already under control, because he wants so badly to be a superhero. Tony tells him he’s not ready for the big leagues, even though he was the one who picked Peter to go fight Captain America, in Civil War. So Peter gets a taste of the big time, and because he doesn’t believe Tony believes in him, ends up proving Tony’s point, that he’s not ready. When he almost gets all the people on the Staten Island Ferry killed through his interference, Tony takes away the suit he gave him at the end of Civil War, and  Peter spends the rest of the movie trying to prove he’s worthy. There’s a not insignificant portion of the movie spent with Peter trying to figure out how to work the suit. His origin story is glossed over in a few lines. We don’t even get a flashback, for which I remain grateful.

The Vulture is not one of my favorite villains from the comic books. (That would be Dr. Octopus) but I liked him okay, mostly due to Keaton’s ability to sell being warm and friendly, while also being  pantshittingly scary. There’s a scene, just before the Homecoming Dance, when he figures out that Peter is Spiderman, and confronts Peter about his secret identity, that scared the bejeebus out of me. You expect the typical events to occur, where he threatens Pete’s friends and family, or holds Aunt May hostage during the Homecoming Dance, and then Peter spends the rest of the movie trying to rescue somebody. Thankfully the writers skip over all that, and the fight remains between The Vulture and Spiderman to the end.

This  is indeed one of the most diverse MCU movies, I’ve ever seen, though I’m still mad about Miles Morales not being Spiderman. It’s like the MCU is punking us, or something. But there’s hope for a future teamup between the two Spider-men, because Miles’ uncle gets a funny cameo and mentions his nephew. The central characters are still white guys, but the PoC are not ill treated,  and get lots of screen time. None of them are developed characters, because it’s a pretty huge cast, and the movie is already two and a half hours, and the focus is all on Peter’s character. Peter’s teen crush, Liz, gets almost no character beyond being pleasant and pretty, for example. She is bi-racial, and I think it’s intriguing that   this movie shows two white men being  romantically interested in Black women. Peter’s best friend is Ned, who gets a little bit more character work, and is played by Jacob Batalon. He was a lot of fun and gets almost as much screen time as Tom Holland.

There are a number of characters I really enjoyed and I’m going to go through this by the  character names:

Aunt May – Marisa Tomei

I really liked Marisa Tomei’s version of Aunt May, who is supportive and funny. I still have no idea what she does for a living but she is apparently well known in the neighborhood as a hottie. It’s referred to a couple of times but not to the level where it becomes creepy. Also, she’s not prone to the speechifying of the Aunt May from the first  Spiderman movies with Tobey McGuire. I sometimes got tired of hearing her talk, even if what she said was supposed to be inspiring.

At no point, in this narrative, do they  damsel Aunt May, for which I am eternally grateful. At one point Peter,who has been invited to the Homecoming Dance by the girl of his dreams, Liz, enlists Aunt May’s help in getting him ready. She gets him a suit, teaches him to tie his tie,  and even teaches him how to boogie. That poor boy can’t dance a lick, though. aunt May can at least keep a beat.

 

Ned – Jacob Batalon

Ned gets almost as much screen time, as he’s Peter’s best friend, and is the first person to find out he’s Spiderman. Jacob is just as charming as Tom Holland and I totally fell in love with his cute, little nerdy self, with his Legos, and his big mouth, although my niece wasn’t too impressed with him, though. He manages to get Peter into trouble with his peers,  because he’s so excited that he’s friends with Spiderman. Earlier in the movie, he asks Peter if he can be Spiderman’s “Man in the Chair”, who gives the hero instructions while in the field, and during the Homecoming scene, he, very happily, gets  his big chance.

Jennifer Connolly is the voice of Karen, The Spidey Suit

She talks to Peter through his Spiderman suit, and even she gets a couple of great lines. The suit’s voice is something that was added just for the film. In most of the comic books, Peter’s suit isn’t made by Tony Stark and doesn’t talk much. (There is an alternate version of Spiderman, in a gold and red suit, that was created by Stark, but he’s not Spiderman Prime, as it were.)

 Adrian Toomes – Michael Keaton

Keaton plays the movie’s least funny character. But he’s also a sympathetic character, having lost his salvage and demolition business to Stark’s politicking. In the aftermath of The Avengers movie, there’s a lot of cleaning up to do, and Toomes set himself, and his crew, to be a salvage team. Unfortunately, a lot of the salvage is alien technology, that really shouldn’t be in the hands of civilians, and during the course of the movie you can see why, as the civilians use this technology to act a fool, lose control of the technology, and occasionally even lose track of it.

Adrian is also Liz’ Dad, which Peter doesn’t find out until half the movie is over, and he’s already asked her to the Homecoming. All three are sitting in the car, on the way to the dance, when it slowly begins to dawn on Adrian that Peter is Spiderman. Talk about tense and Awkward!!!

Toomes is married to Garcelle Beauvais, and he’s a great father, he loves his family, and is dedicated to taking care of them. His argument that he is only making money by selling weapons, the same way Tony’s family made theirs, is justifiable, and I didn’t have a problem with his reasoning, up to a point. My problem is that he and his garage buddies are stealing the technology,  and they aren’t qualified to handle alien tech. At one point he accidentally kills one of his people (Shocker #1) because he grabs the wrong weapon. Can you imagine your dumb-assed  neighbor cobbling together some alien tech in his garage? I think not!

 

Shocker #2 – Bokeem Woodbine

When Shocker #1 gets killed, Bokeem’s character inherits his weapon. I really like this actor, and I’m semi-interested in seeing him become one of Peter’s Rogues Gallery, which is what they call Spiderman’s regular coterie of bad guys, in the comic books. Most of Spiderman’s villains, who insist on jumping in and out of prison, have animal names, but the Shocker is something of a change from Dr. Octopus, The Scorpion, The Vulture, Chameleon, Black Cat, The Goblin, Rhino. That said, I would love it if Kraven the Hunter showed up in one of Spidey’s movies, or the life-eating Morlun, who is a kind of ageless, spiritual vampire. But so far, all we got is  Shocker.

Coach Wilson – Hannibal Buress

Hannibal Buress gets a funny turn as Peter’s gym coach, who is also the head of detention. What few scenes he gets are hilarious like when he’s required to show Captain America’s stupid PSAs in his class, while he briefly wonders; isn’t the Captain a Federal criminal, now?

 

Michelle – MJ – Zendaya

I’m surprised to say that this is one of my favorite characters in the entire movie and I wasn’t expecting that. She is funny as hell, and although she’s not in a lot of scenes, she steals almost every one of them, due mostly to Zendaya’s comedic timing and delivery. The Potato loves her Disney show, KC Undercover, and was delighted to see her.

She’s just a  funny weirdo in the movie and I loved her. She shows up to detention, and when Coach Wilson asks why she’s there because she doesn’t even  have detention, she says she likes to come there because she likes drawing people in crisis. She then shows him a picture she drew of him. That just tickles the hell outta me, and makes me wish I had thought of doing that when I was in art school. Later, when Peter is looking depressed in class, she flips over her paper to show him  the drawing she did of him. I think this tickled the rest of the audience.

Oh ,and it actually turns out that the filmmakers lied about Zendaya being Mary Jane. She’s basically a future Mary Jane with a new name, Michelle. I guess they did that to throw off the scent of the idiot fan-guys who protested making Mary Jane a Black girl. Yes, her hair is annoying for the entire movie.

She claims to be unaffected by her high school life but you get the impression she really does have a low-key crush on Peter. She pays a lot of attention to him, even though she claims she doesn’t care,  telling the class she doesn’t have a crush on him, and is just highly observant. What a strange girl.

Flash Thompson is played by Tony Revolori, and he’s every bit as annoying as you’d expect a bully to be, but is also deeply funny, often referring to Peter as Penis Parker, and gleefully wondering when Peter will be expelled. You get the impression that he’s not bullying Peter because he has some deep dark secret in his home life, because its not really that kind of bullying. This version of Flash isn’t a jock, because its not that type of school, so his teasing of Peter is mostly due to academic rivalry, more than anything else.

Compared to the comic books this is the one most like the 90s comic books, and the Mark Millar version. This is one of the funniest Spiderman movies, too. The MCU understands this character the best, and how they’d like to depict him, and it shows. The original movie, starring Tobey MacGuire, had its moments, and I particularly enjoyed the second movie with Dr. Octopus, but Peter wasn’t funny in any of them. He was hapless, and a loser, but he didn’t make me laugh, even if the supporting cast was hugely funny. This Peter is a loser, but not in a depressing sort of way, like the Raimi version. The movie manages to remain lighthearted, even when Peter is being put into embarrassing ethical positions by his friends. This version of Peter is hapless because of his intensity, not because life seems to have it in for him.

The second iteration of Spiderman, with Andrew Garfield, brought a lot of feels, and I really liked those movies but, once again, they were not very funny, although funnier than McGuire’s version. The humor level drops  a notch  when this Peter  is in costume, but that’s okay, because its hard to  drop quips, when you’re getting your ass kicked. I’m glad the humor isn’t limited to the rest of the cast, though, and that Peter  remembers to be funny when he’s in costume.

But the most charming moments  occur at the beginning of the movie, when we pick up the story, with Tony recruiting him to go fight the other Avengers in Civil War. Normally, I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to large battle scenes in movies, but that scene in Civil War is, hands down,  one of the funniest fights I’ve ever seen in an American action movie.  Peter’s narration of it just gives it a new dimension of silliness. Peter is such a goofy mess, a hyperactive 10 year-old, as he personally films the event, which he’s not supposed to be doing. Incidentally, Tony’s presence in this movie goes a long way towards making up for recruiting a 14 year-old boy into his Avengers war, but yeah, I’m still mad at Tony for lying to Peter about why. Just add that to the list of things that make you wish Tony would catch these hands.

Oh, and you should stick around long enough to get trolled by, of all people, Captain America, who made me roll my eyes twice while he lectured the audience on the virtues of patience. That’s totally NOT funny guys!😜

So yeah, I really, really liked this movie. It’s better than The Amazing Spiderman 2, and that Raimi production, Spiderman #3, even though I’m one of the five people who seemingly  liked that one. On the other hand it’s just not as good as the Tobey McGuire’s Spiderman 2, because that one starred Otto Octavius and it’s hard to top a good villain. The creators do need to stop making Spiderman films for a little while, though. I don’t want to see any more Spiderman movies until he’s in college. If you haven’t seen Spiderman Homecoming yet, I’d definitely recommend it.

The next movie I’d like to see is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. I may not get the chance to see that, however, for budgetary reasons, but Me, Mom, and The Potato, will definitely be sitting in the theater for The Dark Tower on August 4th.

Tumblr Funnies

*Tumblr is great for story prompts about alien contact, and hair dye:

lady-of-greenwood:

patternofdefiance:

just-a-kind-of-magic:

Imagine being a human in an alien crew in space and leaving with bright blue or pink hair and the color fades and everybody on board wonders WHY you are losing your colors??? Is it the lack of greens? Are you sad? Angry? They just don’t know??

“Human-Kelly may we have a moment of your time?”

Kelly pauses in her inventorying of the photo-synth plates she’ll be installing after today’s cycle ends. “It’s just Kelly, hellot-Halzar, you don’t have to acknowledge my species every time we talk.” She smiles. “That’s not considered rude for us.”

“Very well hu—Kelly. Erm. May we have a moment of your time?” Many eyes blink earnestly at her.

“Sure. What’s up?”

hellot-Halzar considers. “May we discuss the structural nature of the ship interior and gravity-derived reference values at a later date? At this moment we would like to inquire as to the nature of your corporeal change.”

“Yeah sure—wait my what?”

“There is a mess hall wager.”

“About my –?”

“Concerning your strands,” hellot-Halzar says, gesturing.

“My….hair.” Kelly runs a hand through it. It’s purple as of two ship days ago. “Ok?”

“We wish to know whether the colour change signifies mood, nutritional intake variance, or ….erm….whether your mating season status has changed.”

“My mating season status, huh?” Kelly lifts an eyebrow.

“Yes.”

“Did Jerry put you up to this?”

“Human-Jerry refused to answer our questions about your strands, citing some phenomenon known to your homeworld as ‘famine in missed eek’.”

Kelly snorted. “Tell Jerry he can shove his archaic ideas about ‘feminine mystique’ where M-series stars don’t shine. As for your bet: sorry, it’s none of the above. I changed my hair because my last box of dye was about to expire and because I felt like it.”

hellot-Halzar considers. “chinret-Zer wins then, by technicality: that reason falls within acceptable parameters for ‘mood’.”

“I suppose it does.” Kelly pauses. “Who bet on the ‘mating season’ one?”

“Hmm?” hellot-Halzar had already turned to go and deliver the verdict. They turn one set of eyes back. “Oh that would be Drannuc. He said he smelled a difference in you.”

“Delightful,” Kelly says, instead of explaining menstruation and how that can affect mood, diet, and that technically it correlates to what most of the species on the ship would consider a mating season.
“Next time, instead of betting, maybe just ask questions? And not Jerry. He’s a jerk.”

“Reclassifying human-Jerry as jerk-Jerry. We will approach you with all human queries from now on,” hellot-Halzar says and then continues on their way.

Probably for the best, she thinks with a lopsided grin, and then continues sorting the photo-synth plates to install on her space walk tomorrow.

“Reclassifying human-Jerry as jerk-Jerry”

Pure. There is no other word.

Source: just-a-kind-of-magic

@
@

*Tumblr is great for story prompts about ghostly roommates:

tygermama:

agwitow:

just-shower-thoughts:

If a ghost can open cupboards and break things, why not just take a pencil, find paper, write exactly why it’s unhappy, and tape the message on the fridge.

It just became second nature to close all the cupboards first thing in the morning (even though they’d been closed the night before). Which was when things escalated from banging cupboard doors to actually breaking things.

Faucets, door handles, curtain rods ripped from the wall… all the repairs started to add up.

“Look, I didn’t mind having an ethereal roommate, but I can’t afford to keep fixing all this shit. Here’s a pencil and some paper. Just write what’s bothering you–I doubt you could put anything that would be more expensive than having a plumber come out to replace all the faucets again.”

The next morning there’s a scrawl line at the top of the page that devolved into an angry scribbling mess that tore through the page. Two cupboard doors were entirely ripped off.

“I don’t want to get someone in to banish you, but this is ridiculous. Just tell me what you want.”

The second piece of paper is ripped into shreds and several knives are embedded in the wall.

A careful examination of the paper scraps show that it had the same scribbles as the first piece.

A quick trip to the library and a stop at a store later, there are kindergarten workbooks on learning to write spread across the counter.

“Look, I don’t know if you’re just being difficult, but I hope not. So I got an audiobook on learning to read and write, and here are some workbooks for kids–don’t get mad–to teach them their letters. Just press play on the stereo, and work through the books at your own pace. I’ll get more when you finish.”

The first workbook is half-completed before being ripped to pieces, but at least there was no other damage. Replacing it is significantly cheaper than replacing cupboard doors.

It takes awhile, but eventually the workbooks progress to a fifth grade level. These ones are starting to be more costly (they’re bigger, for one thing), but it’s not even the money anymore. Little notes scrawled in a shaky hand appear on the steamy bathroom mirror

Have A gooD dy

Or written in ketchup on the counter (that was a frightening sight the first time)

You R out of MLK

And then one day there’s a message taped to the fridge. The spelling and penmanship isn’t the best, but it’s legible and even signed.

Dear Occupente,

I have haunted this spot for ovr three huner hudre 300 years. My bones are dust and I am fergotN. I do not have wants to trap me. I am here 4 ever.

I am bord. Lonly.

I am sorrY 4 breaking things.

We be frends?

Syncerly Eloise

I love you, Eloise

@
@

*I feel like this may be  Paul Ryan’s life goal:

@
@

*Dog refuses to stay on pillow, is about how I’d describe the people in my life right now. Annoying but lovable inconveniences:

IF YOUR DOG SLEEPS WITH YOU THEN YOU UNDERSTAND THE STRUGGLE

@
@

*Someone needs to invent this:

@
@

*This pretty much sums up America’s politics at this time, yeah:

@
@

*Other than just a general reason to be happy, I’m posting this here, because some troll in the comments, got his ass handed to him, when he stated that these weren’t the best actors.

wisdomandlogicareking:

Angela Basset: Academy Award nominee and Golden Globe winner, with enough award nominations/wins to necessitate her own wikipedia page for awards alone.
Lupita Nyong’o: Academy Award winner.
Chadwick Boseman: Joseph Jefferson Award nominee; already showed his stripes as Black Panther in Captain America: Civil War.
Sterling K. Brown: Emmy Award Winner for The People Vs. OJ Simpson and actor in the Golden Globe nominated television show This Is Us
Florence Kasumba: Already had a bit part in Captain America: Civil War; was praised by many critics for her one scene being a scene-stealer
Forest Whitaker:  Academy Award for Best Actor
African-American Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor
BAFTA Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role
BET Award for Best Actor
Black Reel Award for Best Actor
Boston Society of Film Critics Award for Best Actor
Broadcast Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor
Chicago Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor
Dallas–Fort Worth Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor
Florida Film Critics Circle Award for Best Actor
Golden Globe Award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
Hollywood Film Award for Actor of the Year
Kansas City Film Critics Circle Award for Best Actor
Las Vegas Film Critics Society Award for Best Actor
London Film Critics’ Circle Award for Actor of the Year
Los Angeles Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor
NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Actor in a Motion Picture
National Board of Review Award for Best Actor
National Society of Film Critics Award for Best Actor
New York Film Critics Circle Award for Best Actor
Online Film Critics Society Award for Best Actor
Phoenix Film Critics Society Award for Best Actor
Satellite Award for Best Actor – Motion Picture
Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Southeastern Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor
Vancouver Film Critics Circle Award for Best Actor
Washington D.C. Area Film Critics Association for Best Actor
Nominated – BIFA Award for Best Performance by an Actor in a British Independent Film
Nominated – Toronto Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor
2nd Place – Awards Circuit Community Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role

^ that’s all from a single movie.
Danai Gurira: Tony-award winning writer, plays Michonne on The Walking Dead, one of the most popular series out there today
Michael J. Jordan: Featured actor in popular shows like Friday Night Lights, The Wire, and Parenthood in addition to frequent appearances on film.
Daniel Kaluuya: The star of Get Out, which currently boasts a 99% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and has been in the press pretty much constantly upon release.  He was also featured in an episode of the acclaimed series Black Mirror.
John Kani: An actor, playwright and director; while he hasn’t had as much work in America, he’s prolific enough to have a theatre in Newtown Johannesberg named after him.

Winston Duke and Letitia Wright have fewer credits to their names (the former has a consistent role in the well-received Person of Interest; the latter has been cast in Black Panther and Ready Player One in what is hopefully the beginnings of a bright career), but I don’t mean to belittle their successes by leaving them out, and those who aren’t as well known SHOULD be given a chance by big franchises.  Lesser known names tend to get big after starring in Marvel movies.  I sure as hell didn’t know who Chris Evans or Chris Hemsworth were prior to their flagship titles.

But even putting aside how important it is that this film is led by black creators, just because you don’t know these people doesn’t mean that they’re not critically acclaimed in their field, who haven’t put in the work.  They have, and they’ve been recognized for it.  Consider checking out some of their work before you decide whether or not only two of them are great actors.

@

blckrapunzel

I sure your feelings are hurt and you’re a little confused by a movie that’s not made with several boxes of assorted crackers and a token black guy 😂😂😂😂😂

@

cloama

1. I love this post and seeing this person get flamed and have their activity page all fucked up because of it makes me so happy. 2. This is where non-black people misunderstand anti-black microagression. This person was willing to trade their sense of logic just to shit on Black people because to them, it’s worth it. That’s a big part of how y’all talk about us. Watch yourself.3. That person forgot that every black actor in Hollywood has to have twice as much classical training and work…

@

problematticusfinch

Hm, gee, I wonder which 2 are meant as the great actors. Which two…. which two stand out for the person hung up on the small number of white people… hmmm…..

@

geekyhobbies

Imagine being that racist that you think only white actors can be awesome…Imagine being that racist that you look at the black ones and just go “who?” despite their loooooong list of accomplishments and popularity…

Imagine being so racist, that people are excited for a cast of actors, and you are just itching to tell them not to be excited because the cast happens to be black (and you dont like that)….but a white cast, sure you can be excited.

@

@wisdomandlogicareking

I never heard of Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, Mark Ruffalo, or Chris Evans before their debut in a Marvel film…But unlike some cocks on here, I am not so self centered as to believe that MY personal history of viewing an actor dictates whom is good or not….I also bet similar racists (ppl like wisdomandlogicareking) never said shit about the announced cast of relatively unknown actors of Thor or Cap America, or future films like wtf is the new guy playing young Han Solo?…but just gotta put their two cents in on Black Panther…..because “reason

@
@

*Oh, and introducing the Land of Introverts!

 

Tumblr Humor # 247

*Why does no one think it at all strange to be gluing appliques on their baby? And what about gluing shit on boys? How about little bow-ties, since we’re going for that whole gender essentialism thing?

brainstatic:

Tired of your baby girl being seen as a genderless imp? Afraid strangers might not recognize your sexless proto-human as the soft femme heartbreaker she is? Well now you can glue some shit on her head! That’s right, just glue some gender conformity right onto her unclosed fontanelle! Say goodbye to awkwardly explaining that no, despite her bald head, your androgynous poop machine is actually a demure coquette! Glue your fucking baby today!

@
@

*Once I sit down in my house, that’s it! I’m not having any more interactions with ppl for the rest of the evening. And no, don’t  even be in my neighborhood.

@
@

*I think it might have been a mistake for NASA to ask for suggestions on this. I mean they’re talking to Americans and I think we invented snark.

@
@

*This is the most plausible explanation, I’ve ever seen, for why people don’t recognize Clark Kent as Superman, and its not the eyeglasses:

raptorific:

I still think it’s hilarious that the reason nobody ever figures out Superman’s secret identity or where he lives or what he does when he’s not saving the planet, is because he already told them all the Kryptonian stuff that can’t be tied to any of his human friends or family. I guarantee you the in-universe wikipedia article on Superman lists his name as Kal-El and the “personal life” section says that he lives full-time at his private fortress of solitude at the north pole. Nobody in the world looks at Clark Kent and thinks “oh my god, maybe he’s superman!” for the same reason nobody ever starts to suspect that their coworker who looks KINDA like Barack Obama is actually secretly Barack Obama – They know who Barack Obama is and know what he does and they know their coworker Greg is Greg and not Barack Obama. They have no reason to assume Barack Obama secretly moonlights as Greg The IT Guy at their workplace even though they’ve never seen Greg and Obama in the same place. At best, “Greg is secretly Obama” would be a running joke at the office, and the same is true at the Daily Planet. “Kal-El of Krypton, who lives in a CRYSTAL PALACE at the NORTH POLE and whose dayjob is SUPERMAN, sometimes puts on a suit and pretends to be a clumsy reporter and lives in a one-bedroom walkup in Metropolis” is a ridiculous concept to anyone who doesn’t already know it’s true

@unpretty

“Hey, that— that guy, in the corner, is that— is that Superman?” 

Clark looks up from his computer at the new intern. “Oh, no,” he says. “You caught me.”

“Clark, you pull this shit every time, man,” his desk neighbor Steve says. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No, the kid’s right, I’m Superman,” Clark says. He gets out of his seat and cracks his back out. “I guess we’re gonna have a superhero fight.”

“Clark, sit back down.”

“Nope. Superhero fight.”

“Clark if you don’t sit the hell back down and finish your article by lunch I am going to tell Perry on you.”

Clark points at the intern. “You get off easy this time, buddy,” he says, and sits back down.

“So…” the intern says, very lost. “Uh…”

“That’s Clark,” a slightly older and more experienced intern says. “He’s Superman’s asshole twin.”

@

@

*This is, very possibly, one of the best reviews of Fences.  Ever! Or, as clueless White people at awards shows like to call it, Hidden Fences!

Art Art by John Ueland

 

Source:wreckamic

@
@

And you know Black Twitter couldnt let that Hidden Fences comment pass:

@
@

*And finally , I laughed too long and hard at this discussion, with Black people refusing to tell White people what “Take the L”, actually meant, and basically trolling  them.

poonpie:

dope-lore:

poonpie:

For those who don’t know, ‘take this L’ refers to the Longitude and Latitude of a map. When you have to take an L, you need to locate your Longitude and Latitude. By doing so you will discover how far out of your lane you fucking traveled.

I thought the L stood for log like logarithim cuz u gotta do a complicated problem to figure out who the fuck u think ur talkin too

You’re actually not wrong. Originally it referred to the Latin word ‘lūcidus’ which means ‘radiating light’. Therefore, when you need to take an L, you must enlighten yourself on where you got me fucked up.