Ten Deeply Funny, Weird, (And Sometimes Dangerous) SCPs

These are the types of SCPs that, while they are not joke SCPs, they are still deeply funny, while at the same time, being sometimes dangerous, and still need to be contained. A couple of them are actually capable of ending the world, and while there are a lot of horrible ways for the world to end, a stupid SCP, that could have very easily been contained, is just not the way to go about that.

SCP 2941: Fruit Hate

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This is a collection of semi-sentient fruit, that could potentially destroy the world, if the SCP doesn’t keep the fruit emotionally abused, and demoralized. They really are a cute and likable bunch of fruits and vegetables consisting of mushrooms, pears, a banana, a green pepper, and a lime, all of whom have high morale, and self esteem. They are capable of locomotion, love to be complimented, like to greet new people, tell jokes, laugh, and play games.

Unfortunately, when they do things that make them happy, they grow bigger and bigger, with no limit as to size. For example, a couple of button mushrooms, who enjoy each other’s company, are required to be kept permanently separated, lest they doom the world to being crushed by two happy mushrooms, the red delicious apple, who likes to roll around in his containment cell, has been convinced that if he moves, he will awaken the parasitic worm that lives inside him, and the honeydew melon, who loves to be complimented on the roundness of his shell, must be told repeatedly, that he is a hideous cube. Once, an employee accidentally complimented the melon, while it was being carried by a female researcher, and 8 people died, when the melon grew to enormous size, and crushed all who were present.

SCP 1689: Bag of Holding Potatoes

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Really, this is it. It’s just a large bag of golden potatoes. An exploration of the realm within the bag, shows there’s nothing else in the bag, but potatoes, possibly leading to a universe full of potatoes. I’m not sure how dangerous this is, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to overturn the bag, to find out how many potatoes could potentially be in it. It is possible to have too much of a good thing.

SCP 1247 ; The Shia Lebeouf Viewer

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This is a human male whose brain has been invaded, by some form of fungus, that only allows him to see the face of Shia Lebeouf, no matter the size or shape, of the living, or even dead being that he is looking at. No, this isn’t particularly dangerous to anyone, and he’s not contagious, as far as it’s known, but nevertheless, the ability to see nothing but the face and form of Shia Lebeouf, is quite disturbing, and this poor man should be viewed with a certain amount of compassion.

SCP 1370: Pesterbot

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Is the tiniest, cutest, little fan-made robot to ever exist. He is capable of moving about, and speaking, without a power source, which is what makes him anomalous. He is completely harmless to anything and everyone, and can barely stand upright, or balance himself, yet he believes himself to be one of the most dangerous beings in the universe, and is always challenging people, plants, animals, his own reflection, or whatever wanders into his orbit, to battle with him. He likes to brag about how he will destroy whoever or whatever he challenges, how they deserve death at his pincers, and give himself names that are in no way a reflection of who he actually is, his size, or even what he looks like, like: Doombot, Shivatron, and The Despoiler of Mirth! He is so cute that the researchers have to refrain from laughing at him during testing lest they demoralize the little fellow. Pesterbot, as he is popularly known, is very probably, one of the least dangerous creatures in the entirety of the SCP!

018: Super Ball

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Remember that scene in Men in Black, when will Smith accidentally released a floating ball from its containment device, and it neatly destroyed MIB headquarters? Yeah. Why is something that looks like the rubber ball from Whammo dangerous? Here:

There’s a reason this is classified as Euclid.

SCP 261: Anomalous Japanese Vending Machine

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This machine isn’t actually dangerous, most of the time. It’s mostly just bizarre. It’s a large black machine, with no front glass panel, and can work without a power source. It appears to give people whatever it thinks they want at its whim. When it was opened, it turned out that the machine didn’t actually seem to have any food in it. A person drops in some yen, presses a random number, and the machine will give out a random snack.

When the machine is powered on, normal seeming treats come out of it. The treats sometimes look strange, as if they came from alternate universes, but are at least edible. If it gets used too many times in a row, or used without its power on, it will start to dispense objects that look like food, but are actually poisonous, or even explosive. It has dispensed perfectly normal things, like Coke Zero, but also something called Dragon Twist Pepsi, and Darkside Cola ,a cola which comes out clear ,but turns black after opening it. The machine has also produced unrecognizable snack items, such as a small can of live animals that are cooked after pressing a button on the side, and one time, a tall can of something that blew up, injuring several people.

SCP 3740: The Mighty Ashur

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This powerful humanoid is what’s known in the SCP as a class 8 reality bender, who is only kept in check by being incredibly gullible. He is every bit as powerful as he believes himself to be, referring to himself as Ashur, “God of the Air”, a member of an old Abyssinian pantheon, who can control the weather and air currents, speak to flying animals, and control tornadoes, and other meteorological phenomena.

What keeps him in check are the acting abilities of SCP personal, who have also styled themselves as various gods, and occasionally party with him, in exchange for stories of his life. In fact, he believes these people to be: Nieems the Champion of the Wastes, Ulmar the Unbroken, Fott the Vicious, and Ninurtha the Forgotten Sword of Night. He will accept anything told to him at face value, as long as he believes the other person is also a god, which can be easily accomplished with things like card tricks, or turning on a light switch.

Right now, Ashur believes himself to be living in a Chateau, that he conquered after a drunken brawl, at a bar. He believes that the D-class personnel are his servants, the the Mobile Task Force which guards him, and who are required to wear period armor, are his royal guardians, and that the research personnel are fellow gods and heroic figures, like Aldous Manhattan, Slayer of his Enemies, and Bliss Delight, a being of pure energy. Why? Because Aldous told him so, and Bliss zapped him with static electricity one time.

SCP 846: Robo-Dude

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Robo Dude, as he likes to call himself, is as cute as the Pesterbot, but a lot less angry. He is basically a small toy robot that has been heavily over-accessorized, with over 300 bits, pieces, gears, tools and weapons, that he has stored in a tiny pocket universe, behind a door, in his belly. The problem is that many of his accessories actually work and are kind of dangerous, themselves. For example, when asked to produce a specific accessory he has named, the door in his torso opens, he produces the tool, and it actually works as if it were real, like his ray blaster, a small flamethrower, a rocket launcher, an actual but tiny assault rifle, and a nuclear grenade (which naturally, no one has asked him to produce.)

Robo Dude is a product of Dr. Wondertainment, a company which rivals the SCP, and insists on making life as interesting and difficult as possible, by creating anomalous (and occasionally dangerous) toys.

SCP 423: Fred

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Okay, Fred isn’t actually dangerous. He’s just mildly annoying, and if allowed to roam freely, would probably mess up some of your favorite books. Fred is not a corporeal being. He exists entirely in written form, in various books, except none of the books are his own, and he can transfer himself from one book to another. Fred is a self insert character.

When Fred has successfully transitioned himself into a story, he will become a minor character within the narrative, whose name is always Fred or something similar. This is the only way he can exist. He often appears in stories as an average looking, middle aged, white guy, but if there are no adults, he will show up as a kid. In SciFi stories, without any humans, he will show up as an alien. None of the other characters will notice anything out of the ordinary about him. The only people who notice, are those reading the story, and only those who are especially well read, will even notice that an extra character has been added!

SCP 735: The Insult Box

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The Insult Box is a small computer sized box, with a small slot in its side. When a person touches it, it will wake up ,and begin insulting the person who touched it. It seems to know far too much about the person, as its responses are deeply personal, and always hostile. The motivation for this appears to be making its subjects fly into a rage and attempt to bash it. Since it’s made from an unknown metal, their activities are unsuccessful. The machine emits a magnetic pulse, of some kind, to drive the person’s emotions to extremes, as their adrenaline revs out of control, and it appears to be mildly telepathic, as well. It can speak in any known language, and will even tailor its voice, and manner of speech, to be the most annoying, upsetting, or rage inducing, to its subject.

Is it trying to get itself destroyed? Is the rage it induces a form of therapy? Is it testing the person’s fitness? No one knows.


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