Here, have some light reading this week, (because I know things are feeling rather tense), as I type up some SCP posts, while I work on a few long form articles for y’all to read, later. I don’t know if these are the funniest, they’re just the ones I thought of as the silliest, outside of the Dial A Llama one. Joke SCPs are often designated by a dash J after its number, and generally designed to lighten up some of the doom, and gloom, and global destruction proceedings, on the SCP website.
SCP 007 Unidentified Muffin Creature
This is not a description of the blueberry muffin itself, but a description of the anomalous events surrounding its vanishing, as some unseen being ate a researcher’s muffin, after he set it on his desk, when he went to answer a call. All that was left behind was some muffin residue on the desk, and around his office partner’s lips, yet no one witnessed the mysterious disappearance of the actual muffin. To date the case has not been solved, or contained.
SCP 810 A Dog In Need Of Funds
This is a male German Shepherd dog that speaks English, but only does so when it is alone with its mark, and only to beg for money, for some unnamed cause. It usually asks for five thousand dollars, although it never explains why it needs the money, in the first place, and is willing to offer as collateral, either a small porcelain toadstool, that it can vomit up at will, or the affirmation that his dad, Mick Jagger, is good for the money. The dog is not allowed near any banks, and is mostly contained.
SCP 666 1/2 The Roaring Flames of Hell
Okay, for this one I had to go directly to the SCP Wiki to describe it, but its best if you go to the audio version on Youtube. It is very probably the funniest video I have ever heard.
SCP-666½-J is a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée produced by the internal Foundation catering service Containment Cuisine for the 45th annual Site-19 Foundation Formal. Roughly 42% of the 1,500 attendees consumed SCP-666½-J and were subsequently affected by its anomalous properties. SCP-666½-J’s effects started to become apparent approximately one hour after the conclusion of the main course, at which time event goers began to complain of slight abdominal pain. By the second hour, many attendees were complaining of significant digestive distress and all restrooms in the immediate vicinity were filled to capacity with extended queues. By the third hour, medical, investigative, and plumbing personnel were being flown in from surrounding sites to aid in relief efforts.
The bottom line is that if you eat this stuffed mushroom entree, you will pay horribly for having done so, by experiencing extreme full body distress, and ot only will you wish to die, you will probably regret ever having lived.
SCP Procastinating Rock
Its basically a small rock, that makes whoever is holding it, put off doing any work, about having it in their possession. To be honest, I don’t need any accessories to make me put off doing the things I’m supposed to be doing.
SCP 729 Pillow Peep
SCP 079 is a large stuffy, in the form of a yellow marshmallow peep. For some reason, this object is the most terrifying SCP in containment, frightening even the most dangerous and horrific of SCPs. When not terrified of it ,some of them have nothing but abject hatred for it. Every SCP from the Hard to Destroy Reptile, to The Gate Guardian, to Cain and Abel, retreats in terror from its presence, or bows to it in worship.
I want one.
SCP 885 Researcher J’s Inability To Clean Up After Himself
This is fairly self explanatory. This Researcher’s complete inability to clean up after himself has been a source of great puzzlement, anger, and discussion, for some time. He has destroyed the breakroom of Site 13 multiple times, while fixing various meals, leaving piles of dishes, after fixing even the simplest meals, for his co-workers to wash up, after two to three days of willful neglect. Please do yourself a favor and don’t examine this picture too closely.
I know this probably sounds like an old roommates, but its probably not, as many people are afflicted with this disease, including one of my sisters.
SCP 2600 Bicycle Mafia
This SCP consists, so far, of a single bicycle that continues to try to escape, unsuccessfully, by attacking and running down, or attempting to abduct, SCP personnel. However, it does have outside cohorts, who keep sending threatening ransom style letters to the SCP facility, photographs of bikes that have been roughly deconstructed, or videos of bikes spinning their wheels in a threatening manner. When these other bikes encounter SCP personnel outside the facilities, they also attempt to run them down, or abduct them, which sometimes requires personnel to go to and from work in disguise.
SCP WTF Try Not to Laugh
This is another one that’s better off being listened to, as it is very possibly, one of the most lengthy and ridiculous SCPs ever written, consisting almost entirely of a series of a couple dozen procedures to save the world, involving dildos, tacos, saltwater crocodiles, a group of 49 year old Italian men, cheeseburgers, pig intestines, a 19 year old woman of Chinese descent, a 42 year old woman of German descent, a freshly cloned dodo, an aborted fetus, an octopus, and this is very specific, a 29 year old man, whose middle name rhymes with “Rank”, who must first slather his ankles in unsalted butter, before amputating the ankles, and roasting them over the carcass of a stillborn calf, after which, he must eat his own roasted ankles, using only a spoon. Somehow, the Pope gets involved, there are cake baking skills, and at some point, Italy must revert to fascism, for exactly 23 nanoseconds….
Pretty sure that by the time its all done, you’ll have completely forgotten why…
SCP 666 Dr. Gerald’s Driving Skills
Dr. Gerald is never to be allowed to drive any vehicle, any time, anywhere.
To date, not a single human being has ever survived a Dr. Gerald driving experience. Should any passengers, or pedestrians, manage somehow to survive any accident he just caused, they will be sure to be run down by a passing motorist. When Dr. Gerald is behind the wheel of any vehicle the world becomes much more dangerous than it normally would be. Tankers, no matter what they’re carrying, essentially become mobile bombs, and cars will explode at the slightest tap. Not only is he not allowed to drive, he is not allowed to get close to, or travel in, dangerous environments, like for example, near a nuclear reactor, or chemical refinery. Anything that has even the potential to become explosive will do so if Dr. Gerald is driving a vehicle, in its vicinity.
Dr. Gerald, however, always manages to survive whatever destruction he causes.
Things Dr. Bright Are Not Allowed To Do
Before you watch the video, you first need some background on who is Dr. Jack Bright, because he’s …complicated!
Dr. Jack Bright,1 a Junior Staff researcher of good standing, was assigned the responsibility of researching SCP-963-1’s (a small ornate piece of jewelry thought to have anomalous properties),capabilities, and granted access. He subsequently died, but his consciousness was trapped in SCP-963-1.
After much experimentation, it has been discovered that when any living anthropoid comes into direct skin contact with SCP-963-1, the mind of the subject is wiped, and that of Dr. Bright is projected from 963-1 onto the subject. It is known that memories native to Dr. Bright transfer from host to host.
If a subject maintains contact for thirty (30) days, their brain functions become a duplicate of the late Dr. Bright’s. If 963-1 is removed after this time period, the subject retains an independent copy of the consciousness of Jack Bright. Sanctions were put in place to prevent multiple instances of Dr. Bright from being created to prevent Dr. Bright from collaborating with himself, however it was found this was not necessary, as Doctor Bright has proven thoroughly dedicated to the Foundation and its cause.