Tumblr Humor # 378

Here! Have some smiles today!

Real life version of GET OUT! Olivia Cole is always keeping it on the real. Here she chronicles how her husband probably saved her soul!

malfvoys: “ malfvoys: “ hands down the best twitter story ever ” bonus ”

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Here is Will Jay in Leading Man, a tongue in cheek, low-key drag, of Hollywood whitewashing. I have never even heard of this man and I’m already in love with him. He  has a smile like a young Jet Li.

Pointed commentary?Check!

Dancing?Check!

Singing?Check!

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I don’t know why I love these Gothic Threads. so much:

black diaspora gothic

vaantablack

your mother tells you to go find something for her. it’s not there. when she goes looking for it, it reappears, just where she said it was.

this woman is your auntie. that man is your uncle. you have too many aunties and uncles to remember. you haven’t seen them, but they all have seen you. you know, when you were no bigger than THIS?

kdotjay-draws-and-reblogs

as a child, the sizzle of a hot comb or the burn of a relaxer has desensitized yet traumatized you.

you tell yourself there’s food at the house just when you think about heading down to wendy’s.

there’s always food at the house

the-afro-argonaut

You say something to your mom in a too comfortable tone. Your mother says she ain’t one for your little friends. You have so many little friends.

So little.

You can barely see them with the naked eye.

dhaarijmens

you take the chicken out of the freezer.

your mother calls. did you take the chicken out of the freezer? of course you did – but the counter is bare. you take the chicken out of the freezer.

did you take the chicken out of the freezer? of course you did. you do a double-take. there is no chicken. there is no freezer.

did you take the chicken out of the freezer?

And my own contribution to this thread:

There’s always food at the house. And while there’s always plenty of it, its always the same side dishes  all the time. Candied yams, macaroni and cheese, potato salad, green beans, cornbread muffins, cornbread stuffing, okra…

There’s only ever one type of meat, though: Chicken (baked and fried)

The food is always freshly made, hot, and ready on the table, no matter what time of the day or night you show up, even though you’ve never seen anyone cooking it. You know the people in this house have full time jobs.

And my other contribution: 

You go to the family cookout, there’s potato salad sitting on the table, but no one knows who made it. No one saw anyone bring it, either.

If you want to contribute to this thread feel free to do so in the comments.

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LOL!!!

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Yep! This is how I know:

tastefullyoffensive:“Undeniable proof. (via jelenawoehr) ”
tastefullyoffensive
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I wonder what they sound like? I hear the one in the striped tie plays a mean saxophone, and the Black guy is definitely lead vocals.

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If you are a Fantasy novel fan, this will all make perfect sense to you:

invokingbees: “ weeniebagel: “ invokingbees: “ Walk into your kitchen at 3am and this wizard is waiting for you, having drunk your beer and sampled, but disliked, your potato chips, hasn’t done the dishes, and he isn’t happy What do you...

invokingbees

Walk into your kitchen at 3am and this wizard is waiting for you, having drunk your beer and sampled, but disliked, your potato chips, hasn’t done the dishes, and he isn’t happy

What do you do?

weeniebagel

“Really, Carl? Really? Christ, I knew the breakup with Cindy was bad-but not THIS bad! How’d you even get in my house? Why are the Utz all over the floor? Wh- how did you get in my house!?”

“Damn your fool’s mind, Randy, the mists of dream still you know my Amulet of Saros allows me passage through all portals, physical and arcane. I came here as this apartment provides protection from the mental ravaging of that dark sorceress, Cindy, gods blast her name! Your fermented beverages are all that have kept me from darkness this night, Randy, would you turn me away in this hour of terror?”

Source: invokingbees

 

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Yeah, now we’ve just reached a point where we barely refute these asinine statements. Now we just come straight out and mock them:

maatuultulivesi

does no one realize that robin hood was a terrible role model for young kids? i mean you are stealing from people (illegal) and those people (usually) worked hard to get their wealth. it really demotivates people to succeed when they know they can get something someone else worked for.

crotchetybushtit

is this what rich people worry about lmao

sunbeargirl

who knew the sheriff of nottingham had a blog

jas720

How does someone read Robin Hood and miss the part where it’s set in feudal England. He stole from people who got their wealth by exploiting the poor, incidentally that’s all rich people to this very day.

impuretale

Tune in next week when they tell you the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge, a benevolent job creator, harassed during his sleeping hours by the hellish socialist dead.

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My doing nothing needs to be carefully thought out and planned for:

introvertproblems: “JOIN THE INTROVERT NATION MOVEMENT ”

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thefingerfuckingfemalefury:“ peppylilspitfuck: “ cute-pet-animals-aww: “This is how my friend found the cat in the bathroom ” Always hang your cat up to dry after a bath. ” “I AM THE NITE” “stop” “CRIMINALS ARE A MEOWARDLY AND SUPERSTITIOUS...
This photo cries out for a caption:

peppylilspitfuck

Always hang your cat up to dry after a bath.

thefingerfuckingfemalefury

“I AM THE NITE”

“stop”

“CRIMINALS ARE A MEOWARDLY AND SUPERSTITIOUS LOT”

“get down from there”

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Yep! This needs a caption too.

 

This pretty much my whole aesthetic right here:

introvertunites: “ If you’re an introvert, follow @introvertunites​​​. ”

 

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3 thoughts on “Tumblr Humor # 378

  1. Lol @ the porcelain tub story, and those gothic threads freak me out. Funniest I’ve ever read remains the love scene in a slash fic. OMG, it was hilarious, terrifying and disturbing all at once lol. He’s 2 inches taller than you. Your clothes are on the floor but you don’t remember taking them off. Scary stuff!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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