This isn’t supposed to be as funny as it is, but I laughed a good long time. It does call into question things about movies we almost never question and only on Tumblr can we find whimsical “What ifs…?” like these:
I want a high fantasy movie where everyone talks with Southern US accents instead of British ones.
The Dwarves though, they can get Minnesotan accents.
ok but picture this: elves with brooklyn accents
“Hey HEY I’m castin’ here, what’d’you – listen, my pop and I serve the Great Tree goin’ back six hundred fuckin’ years so if you got a problem with our fuckin’ magic you don’t fuckin’ come down here into our fuckin’ grove to gimme shit about it.
“Right? You don’t see me fuckin’ goin’ into your shitty man-stables and tellin’ you how to milk horses, do ya? So instead you come down here, disrespect me, disrespect my pa, and how ‘bout you stop fuckin’ disrespectin’ the Great Fuckin’ Tree that grew whens’t the world was young and carries all our fates ‘n its boughs, okay?
“I said, ‘okay?’
“Okay, now fuck off.”
I just came up from Orzammar, dontcha know, and brought that there jello salad and hotdish. Can you believe the snow we are having this time of year in Ferelden? I hear the roads are just terrible, uff da.
“You fools! This isn’t even my final form!”
“Aw, honey, bless yer heart. Yer tellin’ me that little thing there is yer final form? Why, it ain’t no bigger than that dragon we fought that time in Abracamden! You remember that, Harlan?”
“Mmhmm, I remember.”
I hate hate HATE all those 2edgy 4me theories about kids shows. Like Angelica dreaming up the rugrats, or the ed, edd, and eddy children being ghosts, or literally anything that takes a lighthearted and fun kids show and has to turn it into some tragic take of rape or murder or misinformed mental illness.
So you know what? From now on I’m gonna do the exact opposite. Every cool grim-dark show is now because of a bunch of children. To get us started:
Game of Thrones: A middle-school DnD campaign with the most angry, vindictive DM who has promised to kill everyone’s player characters (and their family) by the end.
The Walking Dead: Some 13 year olds playing with nerf guns, but trying to be really serious about it because they’re all self conscious about playing with toys.
Breaking Bad: a teacher gave a kid some confiscated rock candy and now they’re fantasizing about his personal life.
*blesses you all for this*
Supernatural: a couple tween goth girls RPing with their OCs
Orphan Black: A girl has way too many identical barbie dolls, and makes them over instead.
Firefly: group of white suburbia kids can’t agree whether they want to play cowboys, Star Trek, pirates, or ninjas.
Blade: revenge fantasy of a tiny angry black girl shunned by a group of Twilight fangirls.
IT GOT BETTER.
warehouse 13: two kids dream up stories behind weird stuff in an antique shop
American Horror Story: a group of kids make up their own horror stories after their parents decide they’re too young to watch scary movies on TV.
NBC’s Hannibal: A snarky vegan teenager writes a series of short stories for her creative writing class about the evils of eating meat (Freddie Lounds is her self-insert, which is why she avoids eating human flesh by being a vegetarian.)
Harrisverse: children living in a small conservative American town pass rumors and stories among each other about the ‘creepy’ older foreign man who recently moved in, and who always serves weird dishes at neighborhood barques and has the best decorations on Halloween.
This too can be filed under things I had no clue about, with the addendum, that I probably should have: