*I often consider Tumblr to be a lot like WordPress, only the websites are impossible to navigate and its waaay funnier!
We’ll start with Corgis. I love them! There’s no caption for this picture but the image seems to say all that needs to be said here:
Things I’ll never tire of:
• pads being called “feminine napkins”
• shaving commercials for women where their legs are completely hairless before the razor even touches them
• paper towel commercials where the father bursts through the door with his son, tracking mud everywhere and breaking something, and the mother smiles fondly and cleans by herself
• kids’ protein shake commercials where the six year old refuses to eat his dinner and the mother smiles fondly and?? replaces his dinner?? with a drink??
• shoe commercials where a bunch of women are screaming hysterically and thus making me associate that company with agonizing shrieks
• cake toppers where the bride is dragging the groom because nothing says love and devotion like hatred and regret. these people are going into marriage expecting and even enjoying the idea that they’re not happy.
• bumper stickers that insult the person behind you because for some reason you really want to file all that paperwork when some inevitable idiot rear ends you out of spite
• when teachers divide girls and boys during class discussion, generalizing their opinions by gender, so that they basically discourage anyone from entering the conversation with the goal of understanding each other. now you have spoken for people you never asked the opinion of, as well as made sure that guys feel it’s okay to dismiss the perspective of women and vice versa. education = ignorance after all
• diet Dr. Pepper for men
*At some point I’m going to have to do a post on the televsion cliches that I hate the most, and just need to die.
*I do love me some irony:
Friendly reminder for all entitled fanboys who hate on female fanfic writers and their Mary Sues, all your faves are Mary Sues and the guys who wrote them are essentially fanfic writers too, since you know, that’s basically what writing in a shared universe is, its paid fanfic lmao.
But I mean, for real guys, let’s stop playing:
Peter Parker: Nerdy high school student who gets superpowers, is smart enough to invent web-shooters with webbing strong enough to hold up cars, his best friend is the son of his arch-nemesis and one of the richest kids in the country, his high school bully grows up to see the light and become one of his other best friends, his wife is literally a supermodel.
Superman: Nerdy high school student who grows up to find out he’s actually the last son of a destroyed planet and dead race, has approximately fifteen million different superpowers and discovers a new one every major storyline, has his own secret ice palace at the North Pole with robot manservants, I mean, I could go on.
Iron Man: self-described as a genius billionaire philanthropist playboy and that’s only after you take away the self-made armor that lets him fly and shoot lasers and take on small armies all by himself, so…..
Green Lantern (Hal Jordan): a test pilot whose fearlessness singles him out to be the bearer of a magic ring that creates anything he can imagine and inducts him into a corps of intergalactic space cops of which he becomes the most famous and respected and generally best of them after less than ten years of flying around with said magic ring, despite the fact that there are 3600 other members of this Corps from thousands of different alien species, many of which have been doing this a lot longer.
Batman: another genius billionaire philanthropist playboy who has a secret cave lair under his mansion and a hidden entrance accessed via the clock in his study. Adopts approximately two dozen orphans and dresses them up in various costumes complementary to the batsuit that proclaims him Gotham’s ‘Dark Knight’, he can (and has) taken on every member of the super-powered Justice League, is actually in canon and unironically called The World’s Greatest Detective, all his super-villains want to be him, no but literally, one got freaking plastic surgery and remade himself as Bruce Wayne so he could steal his life, all his female super-villains want to date him, etc, etc, etc.
Anakin Skywalker: misunderstood Chosen One who fell to the Dark Side but coulda been saved if only people had understood his pain more but also its okay because despite killing literal billions of people he got his redemption arc anyway lmao whew that was a close one amirite? literal immaculate conception, the quasi-mystical ‘Force’ his universe revolves around willed him into being basically, grew up a slave with his mom until he earned his own freedom by winning an unwinnable (for humans) pod race when he was all of nine, which coincidentally is also the age he was when he first saved his future wife’s planet by stowing away in a fighter jet and pushing buttons blindly – I’m sorry, I meant according to the Force’s directions – sent to the Jedi temple where the ancient order of rule-abiders bent approximately three hundred sixty seven of their rules in order to make allowances for him to be trained on account of his super specialness, is still woefully misunderstood by them and everything is so hard because he’s just so different and nobody understands which is basically why he HAS to have a forbidden love affair with the queen-turned-senator of the planet he saved as a precocious nine year old, becomes a renowned warrior by the time he’s like eighteen, is in canon and unironically referred to as The Hero With No Fear, is seduced to the dark side because of his super-specialness but still manages to implement a failsafe protocol for the universe by leaving behind his twin magic babies who are destined to grow up and inherit all his Force powers and super-specialness and save the universe by redeeming him.
James Bond: top secret agent in Her Majesty’s Service, has approximately seven hundred billion different skills, exactly as many as he needs to ace any encounter and save the world before breakfast, is completely irresistible to any female (and many males) yet this only comes into play when said smitten individual is helpful in his quest so save the world because after all, despite his charm, he is a Dangerous and Solitary Individual who doesn’t have the time or the emotional capacity to do relationships yet we love his poor damaged soul anyway. Has all kids of fancy gadgets to play with, drives sports cars, drinks martinis, all of this on the job because apparently its impossible to be the Number One Super Spy and save the world without driving a sports car with a gorgeous woman in the passenger seat having just drank a martini shaken, not stirred, shhh, don’t question it, its his Process. Also did we mention that despite being a British Superspy, he never just saves Britain, its always like, The Whole World. Because he’s just That Good. He does all the other countries’ secret agents’ jobs for them too. See: Jason Bourne for further super-spy Mary Sues.
Gambit: Speaking of irresistible, this Cajun charmer with a roguish accent and a tragic backstory is also irresistible to everyone who crosses his path, no but literally, he’s rumored to have some kind of charm power as a secondary mutation – its never been made canon, and yet amusingly enough no one seems to argue harder in defense of its existence than fanboys, lol wunder wut that’s all about. Best and most special member of a super-special New Orleans Thieve’s Guild which is apparently superior to all other Thieve’s Guilds, had a whole Romeo and Juliet thing with his former fiancee who was a member of the rival Assassin’s Guild, then repeated that all over again with another doomed romance with Rogue, the woman he can never touch except for the time he does it anyway and she absorbs his memories and learns his Deep Dark Secret which alienates all his teammates until they forgive him and end up closer than ever.
Captain Kirk: Speaking of irresistible, this youngest Starfleet captain in history has never met a member of the human race or any other race that he couldn’t seduce only its not really seduction cuz its not like he TRIES or anything, it just sort of happens naturally and he has to endure good-natured ribbing like ‘why does this always happen with you’ from his besties as they all run for cover from the storm of laser-fire following his accidental coitus with an alien priestess. Also did we mention he’s the youngest Starfleet captain in history who already saved the galaxy like twice before most people make lieutenant and this is why he’s forgiven for all the rule-breaking and shenanigans which make him such a roguish but likable individual about which all the Admiralty sigh and shake their heads like ‘why can’t you be more like your super famous hero father who you’ve been unfairly compared to your entire life but are inevitably destined to surpass’. Plus, he’s hyper competent and can basically do all his crew members’ jobs for them but keeps them around because obviously he needs someone around to be cognizant of his greatness, lmfao what’s the point otherwise amirite?
Dick Grayson: Speaking of irresistible, have we mentioned Dick Grayson, Nightwing, the original Robin, in canon and unironically referred to as The Boy Wonder who just so happens to be the original sidekick and youngest hero ever, starting crime-fighting at the ripe old age of nine, but its okay, his adopted dad is the Goddamn Batman who trained him with everything he knew and on top of that his tragic backstory in which he saw his parents die in front of him includes a childhood as a literal circus performer, no but really, he was a child acrobat since he was like four and pretty much the only person in the world who could do a quadruple somersault in the air without a net. Was basically leading the mini-version of the Justice League by the time he was fifteen, the super strategic leader of all the other sidekicks, he later became leader of the actual Justice League, his long list of romances – of which there are many cuz he can’t be pinned down – include an alien princess, he’s mastered like ten different languages and all the martial arts styles, is also a master of espionage which was handy that one time he faked his death and became a super spy playing double agent in a villainous spy organization for a couple years, recently found out he was meant to be recruited as a kid in the circus by a secret society that wanted to train him to be their top assassin like his grandpa and great grandpa before him but its all good, sure he missed out on growing up as the most Notorious Assassin Ever but at least he’s now heir to his dad’s literal billions, seriously, its all good. See: his three adopted brothers for further Robin Mary Sues.
Sherlock Holmes: Look if you can’t piece together why the Mary Sue label might be applicable to the most famous fictional detective of all time, master sleuth, he who never met a case he couldn’t solve unless it involved his special arch-nemesis Moriarty in which case he could solve it, it’d just involve effort this time and also a lot of chess references, look its part of their Process, well then….I just can’t help you. Here’s a general rule of thumb that might be helpful for the future though: If a character is played by Benedict Cumberbatch, odds are that character is a Mary Sue.
Wolverine: He’s the best there is at what he does. No, seriously. That’s the tag line for this short, hairy, and yet somehow accomplished lothario with a century long tragic backstory involving being basically immortal but also a government experiment but also a ronin and soldier for hire thanks to losing his memories, several loves of his life have died tragically in his arms, he’s got about fifteen different kids and/or clones, he’s woefully misunderstood but also somehow best friends with all the major players in the Marvel universe (including Captain America, they were BFFs back in WWII, just FYI), he’s a lone wolf but also this one time he became leader of the X-Men and reopened Xavier’s School for Mutant Kids and was unironically called Headmaster Logan which by the way isn’t his real name, its just he forgot his name was James Howlett for about a hundred years so now he just goes by Logan no last name because why not, you know?
Okay but for real guys, I’m sorry to have to report this, but all your faves are Mary Sues, you now owe $100 to every fanfic writer you’ve bitched at for writing a self-insert Mary Sue lololol like every dude who’s ever written Batman isn’t engaging in wish fulfillment storytelling hahahaha. No but seriously.
*Yeah, file this under NO! and HELL NO!
In fact that first one looks like one of those honeydew plants and if I touched it, I’d get stuck to it and devoured alivewhile having happy dreams. That second one looks like an alien parasite that would eat a person from the inside out, and that third one looks like somebody’s titty broke free, and is now living it’s own separate existence. It’s a stealth titty that probably eats children. That’s why it’s transparent.
Would you eat it? Yes, this is all food and it moves thanks to “synthetic biology.”
who’s fucking idea was this
I used to say every time a white person plays the “I found a POC who says they aren’t offended, so it’s not offensive!” thing, we should pull out the stupidest-ass white guy, and declare whatever falls out of his face, is the official white person opinion. Then they went and brought Donald Trump, because white people even have to ruin ruining white people.
donald trump is so bad that even other white people are like ‘ok look. listen. listen. I don’t know this guy.’
And as I always say, please check out the websites at the links, if you think this is as funny as things get.